I never could have imagined that I’d achieve all the things I have in the last few years, and yet why do I feel it’s not enough? What is this about? Five years ago I said I didn’t think I’d be in a relationship, have art in an art gallery, publish my books, perform my music in front of audiences, sell art, be getting good reviews, making new, healthier friendships, etc. I was still quite sick five years ago, unable to care for myself at all. I was making progress though. I was definitely ahead of where I was five years before that when I was completely broken for the second time. It wasn’t easy getting up again after that, and my third breakdown just a couple years ago wasn’t easy to get back up from either. In some ways, the third and most recent breakdown was the most heartbreaking, because it was caused by me getting a taste of all the things I wanted. It was too much too fast and it broke me, and I wasn’t sure I was gonna come back from it, especially because it was the third one. I thought, “three times is the charm. I’ll be crazy forever now…” and on some level, that is true. I AM a bit crazier now, but I embrace it and work with it. It’s part of my power as an artist to be a little crazy and different. If I fit in, I’d just be one of those people repeating ideas, but I have my own ideas.
I was thinking about things I’d still like to do with my life that I haven’t yet. Some of it would be easier with money, but I do have some dreams… I’d like to write and direct a movie, make a professional sounding album, really learn to play bass, even if just a few songs. I’d most like to learn “Cannonball” by The Breeders, “Money” by Pink Floyd, and a bunch of Pixies songs. I’d like to get a certificate to work as a peer counselor, and if I’m able to do that and like it, maybe go back to school for an Art/Expressive Therapy degree. I’d also like to learn to surf! I’d love to live on a body of water of some sort with my own private access to the beach, or at least vacation near the beach or uptown in P-Town some time in my life. I’d like to get a book published by a professional publishing company, organize a non-commercialized art and music festival, go to Australia to meet some of my friends there, as well as the San Francisco/Oakland area, do a graffiti mural or legally paid wall art (or both), DJ an event, make a line of skateboards and fashion (which I sort of have on my t-shirt store, but I’d like to have my own label). I dunno if there is anything else. Maybe go to a water park again if I stay this weight or lose more…maybe a bottom surgery or two if they create something that seems worth doing… go on a boat trip of some sort again, at least a whale watch, and maybe go camping or to a cabin in the woods. But I will start with getting hugged again. I actually had a friend try to hug me the other day, but with Covid going on and the stress I was under that day, it wasn’t exactly the kind of hug I need. My friend recently bought me a weighted blanket though and it kicks ass!
I am grateful I got my first vaccine the other day and am looking forward to getting back to life if and when possible so that I can do all the things I want to do.
It won’t be easy, but I will try…I’m 42 now and I don’t want to die.
This is a new 3 foot long painting I did based on an old art therapy drawing of what makes me happy. It’s kind of based on a vision I have about a big party at the end of the world that gets the world started over from the beginning. The party is in a heavenly type dimension where people just dance and sing and eat and drink and play music while enjoying the nature around them. A robot child plays DJ and the stars in the sky spin into a giant yin yang of darkness and light. The yin yang spins in orgasmic peace and unity while the music plays until it starts to spin out of control and spits the stars back out as spirits and souls.
Anyway, and here is a video of me performing 5 of my original songs on Facebook Live…
A couple other things… I got this new review on The Godchild. I don’t even know who wrote it.
I also got this awesome art in the mail from my friend EJ Greaves
And I wanted to say congratulations to Nas on his first Grammy ever for his 2020 album “King’s Disease” which I got myself for my birthday back in September. Nas is one of the best out there. About time he was recognized and it IS a great album.
Here’s my cat chillin’ with my shit. I recently found an affordable copy of that Dead Prez album you can see in the photo which I’ve been looking for for years without any luck. I was so excited to find it. Dead Prez are to hip hop what the Dead Kennedy’s are to punk, and not just because of the similar names.
Here is my recently re-done bedroom and my new weighed blanket my friend sent me.
And here is me. I am glad to say I am back into a size 42 pants, down from a 46 around this time last year.
And to leave you with some music, how about “I Am the Spring” by Morcheeba because it’s Spring today!!! YAY! Happy FUCKING Spring!
and here’s another one I love because I just got this Mad Season record too. Mad Season was a super group of Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, and Screaming Trees members…
Peace
