It’s that time of year again when I make goals with my mental health center. I don’t like the way they go about it because for years I would come in with a list of solid goals, talk for hours, then have to somehow turn it into one random general goal that had nothing to do with my actual goals, and we never speak of them again until 6 months later to decide whether I achieved the goal…and then usually if I feel like I achieved it they say I didn’t, or if I feel like I didn’t, they say I did, so to me, it’s a bunch of BS. I was reminded that my last goal was to get out more, and I’ve hardly gotten out at all this year, but she says I reached the goal, in her opinion. So now, my new goal is to work on reducing my anger, which, according to Facebook, was my goal 2 years ago at this time, and that makes sense, because I was feeling similar. I’d just spent 7 months inside, fighting my psychosis, and I was full of rage from March through May, but eventually got better, and that’s my hope this year as well. It IS an important goal, and right now it’s sort of number one on my list, because my fear, as a mentally ill trans man who’s hated by the police, is that if I were to get angry and look out of control, someone might call the cops on me. I feel like they’ve been waiting to get their hands on me for a long time, and more so since I published books and performed songs about how they abused me, so an excuse to get their hands on me and have me sent away is just too risky a situation. I don’t feel safe going out when my anger is so easily triggered. It should get better though. I have a lot to look forward to, including my art show in May-June at the Armory, and my boyfriend is flying out to visit in July, like he did two years ago. He officially bought the tickets today, so I’m very excited.
I’ve achieved a few things since 2021 started….I’ve had 2 successful open mic/art show parties on zoom, illustrated a children’s book, and done dozens of other drawings/paintings, prepared for the upcoming art show by framing art, getting prints made, writing artist statements, and making a web page for it…I’ve sold some shirts and books, cleaned the heck out of my apartment and put together furniture, wrote a few songs, and performed at several open mics with both Soulkore and Jamn Java. I cooked a lot, lost some weight, took a few walks and some photos, and worked on self help through meditation & DBT. I’ve been consistent with therapy, got my 2 vaccines, and have been querying agents and publishers about my memoir and my children’s book; plus I’m learning keyboard! I’ve done other stuff too, all while fighting difficult feelings. The triggers are intense and there’s often no way to avoid them, but I’m still alive, and that’s an achievement and something to be grateful for as well!
Here is the link to my upcoming art show.
My goals for the next few months are to manage my anger first, then have a successful art show and get my books published by a publisher if possible. I want to have a great visit with my boyfriend in July with a trip to the pond AND the ocean included, visit with my parents when I can, get outside as much as possible, visit with a few friends, swim, watch the Red Sox win, get to a couple in-person open mics if I can, visit with family, help organize a Beacon reunion, see my therapist in person a couple times, take lots of photo walks, cover any racist graffiti stickers I see with my stickers of love, do some new paintings, get together with some new friends, lose some more weight, get some medical stuff checked out, see some live music, etc. I really want and need a summer this year.
I made a few new t-shirts. You can get them here. They’re on sale for $17 right now
https://wickedcliche.threadless.com/
And for music? Music, sweet music…
