Jymi Cliche' is a queer, trans, intersex, artist and writer from the Boston area. He is Bipolar and has Complex PTSD . He writes from his experiences with that. His art is the raw emotion that comes out of him, often telling prophetic visions of the future or at least uncovering what's in his soul. He raps and writes spoken word poetry, has art hanging all around the world, and takes photos of his own personal universe.
It’s that time of year again when I make goals with my mental health center. I don’t like the way they go about it because for years I would come in with a list of solid goals, talk for hours, then have to somehow turn it into one random general goal that had nothing to do with my actual goals, and we never speak of them again until 6 months later to decide whether I achieved the goal…and then usually if I feel like I achieved it they say I didn’t, or if I feel like I didn’t, they say I did, so to me, it’s a bunch of BS. I was reminded that my last goal was to get out more, and I’ve hardly gotten out at all this year, but she says I reached the goal, in her opinion. So now, my new goal is to work on reducing my anger, which, according to Facebook, was my goal 2 years ago at this time, and that makes sense, because I was feeling similar. I’d just spent 7 months inside, fighting my psychosis, and I was full of rage from March through May, but eventually got better, and that’s my hope this year as well. It IS an important goal, and right now it’s sort of number one on my list, because my fear, as a mentally ill trans man who’s hated by the police, is that if I were to get angry and look out of control, someone might call the cops on me. I feel like they’ve been waiting to get their hands on me for a long time, and more so since I published books and performed songs about how they abused me, so an excuse to get their hands on me and have me sent away is just too risky a situation. I don’t feel safe going out when my anger is so easily triggered. It should get better though. I have a lot to look forward to, including my art show in May-June at the Armory, and my boyfriend is flying out to visit in July, like he did two years ago. He officially bought the tickets today, so I’m very excited.
I’ve achieved a few things since 2021 started….I’ve had 2 successful open mic/art show parties on zoom, illustrated a children’s book, and done dozens of other drawings/paintings, prepared for the upcoming art show by framing art, getting prints made, writing artist statements, and making a web page for it…I’ve sold some shirts and books, cleaned the heck out of my apartment and put together furniture, wrote a few songs, and performed at several open mics with both Soulkore and Jamn Java. I cooked a lot, lost some weight, took a few walks and some photos, and worked on self help through meditation & DBT. I’ve been consistent with therapy, got my 2 vaccines, and have been querying agents and publishers about my memoir and my children’s book; plus I’m learning keyboard! I’ve done other stuff too, all while fighting difficult feelings. The triggers are intense and there’s often no way to avoid them, but I’m still alive, and that’s an achievement and something to be grateful for as well!
My goals for the next few months are to manage my anger first, then have a successful art show and get my books published by a publisher if possible. I want to have a great visit with my boyfriend in July with a trip to the pond AND the ocean included, visit with my parents when I can, get outside as much as possible, visit with a few friends, swim, watch the Red Sox win, get to a couple in-person open mics if I can, visit with family, help organize a Beacon reunion, see my therapist in person a couple times, take lots of photo walks, cover any racist graffiti stickers I see with my stickers of love, do some new paintings, get together with some new friends, lose some more weight, get some medical stuff checked out, see some live music, etc. I really want and need a summer this year.
I made a few new t-shirts. You can get them here. They’re on sale for $17 right now
It’s been exactly a week since my open mic/art show party on Zoom and it feels like much longer. I know I blogged a little about my trip to the gallery on Monday, and I spent 4/20 listening to records, but it is Friday night/Saturday morning now and the last few days have been busy too.
To start, I took a short photography walk the other night…
I also found this sticker that my friend told me was a white supremacist group.
So I made this sticker
and stuck it over the hate symbol…
I started doing a Facebook Live the other night after a stressful day but stopped towards the end of my song because I was fighting a demon in my mind. Sometimes that means I think of the most fucked up or offensive things I could possibly do or say in that moment, and it takes everything I have and more not to do or say it… kind of like Tourettes except that I’ve always been able to control myself to not say or do it, but this was the first time it happened when I was rapping and I had to stop in the middle of my performance so it didn’t just spill out. I’m glad my boyfriend was the only one watching. It was scary, because of course I don’t wanna say some super offensive thing that I don’t even believe, but I can’t help what pops into my brain and it sucks that I have to fight it like that sometimes. My struggles with this kind of thing started when I was fifteen, right after I got out of my first hospitalization at McLean. I remember going to a school play and leaving early because I had such a strong urge to bop the people in front of me over the head throughout the whole first half of the play! I was sitting on my hands until intermission and then left. I didn’t know them or have any problem with them, and I didn’t wanna hurt them, but was overwhelmed with an urge to bop them on the head; which would have been a problem if I did it, and I knew that but my brain does annoying shit to me. It’s like a pinched nerve in the brain or something. It’s similar to my Exploding Head Syndrome, where I have auditory hallucinations of horrible sounds as I fall asleep when I’m overtired. I’ve heard machine guns, drums, cymbals banging in my ears, explosions, feeling like my head is being zapped, and even hearing people calling out for me by my old name. I don’t understand why my brain does it, but my brain was thinking the exact opposite of what I was feeling when I was trying to rap the other night, and because I was rapping so fast, I was petrified it was gonna just spill out, so I turned it off, but I made a video of one of the songs after, without the pressure of the live audience. Here that is.
I forgot to mention that I was given this cool easel from The Armory the other day, hat may go back as far as the Armory itself. It’s definitely kind of old, but it seems to be more sturdy that the one I had and it adds a little character to the room, which will be spotless in a few days after the cleaners come for the first time in 3 years.
I also made this awesome pizza this week. I’m about to heat up a leftover piece in a few minutes
Other than that, I’ve been hard at work cleaning, putting things together, taking out trash, walking, taking baths, playing the keyboard, querying a few more agents/publishers, playing with my cat, listening to records, re-watching Game Of Thrones, talking to my boyfriend, and whatever else I do. Unfortunately I only made 13 days in a row of my daily meditation before I ended up skipping a day, but I’ve done short meditations every day and am using the meditation music to fall asleep, plus playing the keyboard is good for my soul. Unfortunately I didn’t get to that 56 days in a row higher place that I was reaching for, but that’s okay. All things considered, I’m doing good.
Last but not least, I will leave you with a song by Shock G of Digital Underground who sadly died the other day. He was one of my first hip hop influences, early on, the first time I got into hip hop. He was such a unique character with radio hits that we heard at dances and roller skating rinks. Not long after him, NWA and gangsta rap took over and I stopped listening to hip hop for most of the 90’s, but when I got back into it in the early 2000’s, I actually used to rap The Humpty Hump at karaoke, and that was part of what lead me to start writing and rapping my own stuff. People used to go wild when I did The Humpty Hump, and I was even joined on the mic by the rapper Katastrophe once to perform that song together at an event with Michelle Tea and the Cliks. So, RIP Shock G, and here is the song that you will always be remembered for…but I also know Tupac got his start as one of your dancers….
I spent all of my 4/20/21 listening to 4/20 themed records, smoking weed, and just taking it easy. It was a fun day, good for the soul.
Here are the albums I enjoyed, a little about them, and some samples from the albums…
We gotta start with “A Question Of Balance” by the Moody Blues. It’s the record I listened to the first time I ever smoked weed in the early 90’s. Also, there are pictures of Bob Marley (drawn by Carl Ristaino) and a press photo of Ani Difranco, both artists who have songs about weed and have used their music to help pave the way for legalization… The Moody Blues album though is sort of psychedelic folk-rock from the 60’s and 70’s. They were very trippy and had some awesome album covers.
That’s the first song on the Moody Blues album, and I dig it. Maybe not the best on the album, but still love it.
Here’s a weed themed song by Ani since I mentioned her
Next up…
Spicing it up with “Connected” by Stereo MC’s from 1992. The title song was on the “Hackers” soundtrack and while I loved that one song and the Hackers Soundtrack albums, I didn’t try anything else by Stereo MCs until just a few years ago. I really missed out, but at least I have it now. It’s such a fun album… kind of a trip-hop/alternative hip hop sound. Awesome cover too, for an awesome album all the way through…
next
“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd from 1975. Anything by Pink Floyd is appropriate, though “Dark Side Of the Moon” is probably the most obvious pick for 4/20, but I’m doing a cover album of that later. I picked “Wish You Were Here”from 1975 out of my 4 Floyd albums I have on vinyl though, because that’s what’s speaking to me most right now.
Baduizm by Erykah Badu from 1997. I’ve loved this album since it came out. I first heard about it on the Ani Difranco mailing list and I ordered it from Columbia House with a bunch of other CDs that were recommended to me. I probably still owe them some money. That was how I discovered Bjork and other favorites. This is such a chill album though. It’s R&B/soul as good as it gets.
RIP Guru of Gangstarr, one of my biggest influences. Guru died 11 years ago 4/19 which was a significant time for me and I remember it well. Guru was from Boston and his influence on the Boston hip hop scene was huge. This is his first Jazzmatazz album, which he rapped over live jazz. Jazzmatazz 2 is probably the album I’d play for 4/20 if I had it on vinyl but I don’t. This one is still totally appropriate too though, and brilliant. I highly recommend it…
that’s a good one from that album, and here is a 4/20 one from Jazzmatazz 2
Okay, so this one isn’t exactly weed themed although it’s probably mentioned somewhere on the album, but it just came today cuz I finally found a copy for a decent price and this is a brilliant album… and it was kind of hated at first. It is called “808’s and Heartbreak” and it was Kanye West’s first non-rap album. He just put out a gospell album about a year ago too, making his second non-rap album. This is kind of a pop album with a lot of autotune, which at first turned people away until they took it all in and realized that he was a true artist to be able to take something as taboo in the music world as autotune and make a brilliant album from start to finish with it. A few of the songs on here have by widely covered by rock, pop, punk, and other types of musicians and many now say this is his best, although I dunno about that. He has at least five other albums I think are just as good if not better, but this is a uniquely amazing piece of work, and Kanye really is a true artist and has some of the best album packages that always come with posters and lots of art, and this came with a CD tucked inside the middle between the 2 records. I don’t agree with his politics and opinions anymore, but when I got into him he was left-wing and kinda opposite of what he’s about now, which has only been for a few years since he married a Kardashian. Anyway, whether you like it or not, agree or not, Kanye is gonna go down in history as one of the most significant artists of our time.
This is the soundtrack to the classic Jamaican film “The Harder They Come” from the early 70’s. It is definitely a 4/20 album. The movie was about a weed dealing reggae singer played by Jimmy Cliff, whose songs are featured in the movie and soundtrack, although the soundtrack includes a variety of reggae from that era. It is the type of album that can change you because you feel it so deeply and intensely. If you like any reggae but don’t know this album, please do yourself a favor and listen. I’d also recommend the movie. I personally love it.
Are You Experienced (US Version) by The Jimi Hendrix Experience. The first song on the album is called “Purple Haze” which is a weed strain that goes back at least as far as this late 60’s album. I’ve been into Jimi Hendrix since I was about 13, and I was named after him at age 14 by close friends I still have to this day. They named me Jimi because of the line from “Fire”, “move over Rover, let Jimi take over.” because I am a strong leader and can take over. I changed the spelling to Jymi when I was 15 and started signing it mirror image on my art and poetry as my signature. When I got my first personal email at age 15 or 16 I was Jymi at aol dot com…..no numbers or anything. So naturally when I transitioned in my early/mid 20’s, Jymi was the name that made the most sense to go by even though no one really actually CALLED me Jymi until I transitioned, it was still my name long before that. Anyway, gotta love Jimi Hendrix. Still one of the best guitarists to ever live.
This is the soundtrack to the 1998 film Slam, about a rapper/poet/weed dealer who gets caught dealing and is sent to jail, where he discovers slam poetry and uses it in the most powerful way words and art can be used. This is a movie that changed my life. For one, it opened my eyes to how fucked up and racist the system is. It gave me empathy for “criminals” and gangsters and where they are coming from and how they get caught up in that world. It also showed me how powerful hip hop could be and that a lot of it is meant to educate and open people’s eyes to reality, unlike what I thought hip hop was about for most of the 90’s and the gangsta rap that got radio and MTV play that encouraged negative, reckless behavior, but that was all the doings of the record companies who were only signing gangster artists and claiming that’s what sells, and there IS a place for gangsta rap. I do like some, but it’s not all hip hop is. There was always political and artistic hip hop selling in the underground world. I love so many things about Slam. It is one of my top 5 movies and top 5 soundtracks. The famous slam poet/actor/musician Saul Williams stars in it and the main female character Sonja Sohn who is a love interest of the main character, as well as a poet and teacher in the film, is probably best known for her role on The Wire. It’s an important movie that everyone should see. I immediately learned how privileged I was to be white by watching it (and then made sure I learned more over the years and I know I’ll never fully understand, but it was the first to really make me see it). I was already a spoken word poet and lover of weed, so it was a perfect movie for me. It even won the Sundance Film Festival. Anyway, an amazing hip hop soundtrack which includes the song “I Dare You” by Black Rob who just died the other day. RIP. I shared the Black Rob song the other day, so here is another favorite from the soundtrack…
Easy Star All Stars- Dub Side of the Moon. This is a cover album by a reggae band playing reggae versions of all the songs on Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. It’s pretty awesome.
To close 4/20, because it will be midnight soon, I have chosen “Man on the Moon 2” by Kid Cudi which I first got on CD as a gift from my sister Nikki and didn’t know if I’d even like it but I fell in love. He is alternative hip hop made specifically for depressed stoners. Even people who don’t like hip hop often like Kid Cudi. I think the last time I took this album out was 2 years ago this time when my friend died. She was a fan. She wasn’t big into hip hop but one time I made her a playlist to play whenever she came over of stuff I knew she liked, and she DID like it, but asked me to add some hip hop to it because she felt like hearing hip hop when she visited was part of the full “Jymi experience” and she specifically asked for Kid Cudi, Bone Thugs, and Eminem to be added, so I will always think of Kid Cudi because we spent a few 4/20’s together and I think we always celebrated with this album. And for awhile I’d grown sick of him because we listened to him often during those days, but I really do think her death 2 years ago was the last time I listened to it, so it’s actually sounding as good as it used to, and giving me positive memories, which is nice. This is a great, solid album from beginning to end though. Definitely recommend.
I took my 25 photos and a large painting, as well as a couple books over to the gallery today to prepare for the new show I have coming up this May and June. You can see more about that here…
It was nice to visit with Parama, the owner of the gallery, and to see the new performance space she is setting up. I’m excited about it. We’re hoping to have a small gathering for a few of my friends and the main artists sometime in May and/or June too. I don’t know all the details yet, but it should be cool. It was good to get out of the house. It was the first time I’ve gone anywhere besides my parents’ house and my vaccine appointments in seven months. I mostly enjoyed the drive even though I got a little anxious. It was a perfect day for it. I took a few photos on the way…
And now that I’m home, I did a little work on the computer, ate a brownie, and am about to do day 12 of my meditations. Starting at midnight, I plan to spend all of 4/20 listening to 4/20 themed records. These are the ones on the list because they are in my record collection. What would you add?
Cypress Hill, Guru, KRS-One, Kid Cudi, Outkast, People Under the Stairs, Smoke DZA, Bob Marley, Slam Soundtrack, Dub Side Of the Moon, The Harder They Come Soundtrack, Erykah Badu, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Grateful Dead, Moody Blues, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Parliament, Portishead, Pink Floyd, Tom Petty, Amerigo Gazaway, STL GLD, Stereo MC’s
I don’t know if I will get to them all, but that’s the plan. Have a safe 4/20 if you participate. Peace, and here is are a few fun songs for 4/20 that aren’t included in my albums…
I’m feeling grateful for my day. It’s been somewhat relaxing. I got a few chores done, took a walk, played keyboard, finished day 11 of meditation, and got takeout from Comella’s which I haven’t had since there was one down the street years ago with $5 pizzas that my old friend used to get us on his way over. That was one of our better memories which there were many, but overall I don’t miss the stress of our relationship. Meditation is leading to me having a lot of random vivid memories that I forgot about, including stuff about my time with my Nana who died 4 years ago. I had memories of grocery shopping with her and my mom at Demoulas at the Woburn mall, shoe shopping somewhere I couldn’t even tell you where, as well as her pink upstairs bathroom and all of her old house really; plus visions of her watching us play in the driveway from the kitchen window. I also had memories of some AA dances I went to in my early 20’s when I was in AA and was struggling with that. Most of them were gay dances, because I was in Gay AA once I had come out and realized there was such a thing, but it was pre-transition. There were memories of us all at Bickfords too (the gay AA crew) I don’t know what these memories have come up for exactly and I’m curious what else is going to leak out of my brain as I continue to meditate, but so far I’m finding it, along with listing my gratitudes and achievements every day, helpful in taking away the rage, so I’m especially grateful for that.
I just found a seed in my weed. That’s rare these days, but on the off chance that I found them over the last few years, I used to give them to my ex-boyfriend who no longer smokes weed and hasn’t in over a year, and honestly, even though I say I broke up with him because of how he often made me feel shitty about myself, I wasn’t great for him either, and one of those ways in which I was not ideal was because I smoke weed every day and his doing so got too much in the way of his life. For me, it helps me, and I don’t think he realizes how sick I was BEFORE the weed. He thinks I could be doing so much more without it, but I’ve accomplished more on weed than ever in the rest of my life, in part because it keeps me from being suicidal, and personally, I vote for anything that keeps me from being suicidal. I was suicidal for twenty years, every fucking day, and nobody who knew me then wants me to be that person again. But, on the contrary, my ex is better WITHOUT weed, and so a big part of why I didn’t see him for over a year, besides Quarantine was that it’s probably too triggering for him to be around it in a place that was a safe space to smoke. I know I had that issue with a number of my friends…they were unable to stop by here without smoking weed even if I offered to not smoke it when they were here. If they even came here in the first place, it sort of meant some part of them knew they’d smoke, and while weed wasn’t a huge issue for them, it led some back to other drugs or they were on probation and not supposed to smoke, but if they asked me to smoke and I ask them if they are sure that’s what they wanted to do, I was also not one to refuse it to them. They are adults and have their reasons. If they asked me ahead of time to refuse them if they were to ever ask, that would be different, but they did not. Unfortunately this doesn’t make me the most ideal relationship partner for people in addiction recovery. I consider myself to be in recovery, and I AM an addict. I’m addicted to weed at the moment, plus diet coke, electrolytes, vitamin D, and low doses of seroquel for sleep. If I can’t function well without regular use of a medicine or chemical, then I consider myself addicted. I used to be addicted to alcohol but now I drink on rare occasion, most recently was just this past Friday night, which could be why I was thinking of AA. I always have to keep an eye on my alcohol and klonopin use. I’m prescribed klonopin but only a very low dose that I rarely ever take, but since they’re so addictive, I try to keep an eye on it. I don’t consider myself addicted to it, nor alcohol anymore. Ever since 2008 when I lived through the shit I lived through, I haven’t wanted to wreck myself with alcohol or any other drugs besides weed, which I don’t wreck myself with at all, other than my lungs a little, but I quit a two pack a day nicotine habit and I haven’t done hard drugs in over a decade, other than klonopin, which is my medicine. I did actually abuse that twice this past year when I got triggered by writing and then editing my new book and the chapters about how I got into drinking and drugs at such a young age, but I have not continued to take or abuse it so I should be okay. I came quite close to the edge a few years ago when my doctor gave me cough syrup with codeine and I had to dump it after just two days, even though my cough wasn’t better. I really think opiates are the devil in a lot of ways, although I also know friends who truly need them for pain, and with my own arthritis issues that are so bad already at only 42 years old, I worry about if and when they day comes where weed isn’t enough anymore, but for the moment, weed is a miracle to me.
I have very little experience with psychedelics, although it was enough to push me over the edge. I may not have gone crazy without having used them, but since I think going crazy was part of the plan for me and my place in the Universe, I don’t really regret it either, but I also don’t love dealing with psychosis and definitely don’t wanna make it worse, so I steer clear of psychedelics entirely now, and while I think they can be very positive for people, I worry about their abuse because I think a lot of Q Anon people and people who fall for conspiracy theories go hand in hand with people who take a lot of psychedelics. They certainly can be used in a good way but they can be abused like any other drug, and I didn’t even abuse them. I took Salvia twice, and the first time was enough to wreck me for life. I took shrooms once, but I was on an anti-psychotic med at the time called Abilify (you probably saw their crazy ads) and the shrooms had absolutely no effect on me because of the Abilify. My friend who had done shrooms hundreds of times tripped balls on his half, but the only effect on me was my dilated pupils.
This is art I did freshman year of high school, barely 14 in 1992.
And since I mentioned dilated pupils, I will leave you with music by a great hip hop group of a similar name, Dilated Peoples.
It’s been a few days since I last wrote. I’ve been doing more cleaning and keeping busy with all sorts of shit. I think I slept late Thursday and really took advantage of the fact that I was done with everything I needed to do before my party. I may have queried 3 agents that day, and I practiced my songs for the party and got outside to take out the trash, but it was all fairly stress free. The ten days of mediation so far seem to be helping as well.
I got a text from my newly ex-boyfriend telling me that he’s doing a lot of work on himself and that he’s vegan again. His food issues, along with him constantly telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat, plus making other kinds of comments implying that he thought I was too fat, was the main part of what led me to end things between us, so I didn’t really give a shit to hear that he’s vegan again. What I was unable to face, but was in the back of my mind all through our relationship was that he had a lot of issues he was keeping from me and when they would inevitably come up in some form, like when he was drinking and didn’t realize he was oversharing, they were things that scared me off a LOT, but I try not to judge people. We all have our issues and things we do that aren’t so great, but the fact that I let so much scary shit slide out of wanting to be respectful to him, but he still had the balls to tell me he thought I was too fat and that he didn’t like most of my art or music, I should have left a long time ago. I guess it wasn’t as big of a priority since we only saw eachother about once a month before Covid, and not once since, so it wasn’t like it was eating me up all the time, but more often than not, when we were together or had a conversation, it went poorly in some way, and I probably should have seen it, but being poly-amorous now, at least I still had someone else the whole time who was treating me the way I deserved to be treated, and I hope I am giving as much back. I think I am, and I knew I really wasn’t giving much of myself with the recent ex, but he’d earned my lack of enthusiasm… like, he let me down so many times, I wasn’t gonna keep giving so much of myself for someone who had proven their inability to even keep our important plans.
On a similar note, I’m an understanding person, and I have to cancel plans all the time, so I’m never mad at anyone if they have to cancel on me now and then, so I wasn’t mad at anyone who cancelled on me for my Open Mic/Art Show/Spring Zoom Party, but that is one of the hardest things about throwing an event, is having all sorts of people tell you they’ll be there and then at the last minute, eight of the performers cancel ten minutes before the party starts, leaving three performers and maybe an artist or two. I was really struggling as it was. I was afraid I was gonna go on a crazy rant about my friend who was just driven to suicide by the Catholic Church/Mafia/local corrupt politicians because of information he has…and while it may be true, it would only make everyone super uncomfortable and/or paranoid/triggered to hear about it, so I didn’t wanna go there (and thankfully, I didn’t), but I almost burst into tears five minutes before I started the Zoom and had to hold it all together. I ended up having a drink to calm down, which helped, but I was a little hyped up because of it and I got the show started as fast as I could. My two first performers weren’t there, so I had to ask for a volunteer. My friend in Australia went first and did an Australian Country song. I went after him and did an original rap, then a cover of Clint Eastwood by the Gorrillaz, then one of my local friends shared photography, another local friend shared art, my friend in NY did an Amy Winehouse cover and a Patti Smith cover, then a local poet read a poem, and I did one more original rap song. It was only about an hour and a half long, but that’s all I was up for. It was still cool though. There were friends from about 7 different states, plus Australia and lots of awesome people I love, so it was fun.
That was my photo from tonight. I also too a couple pictures of the cat, of course, my best buddy…
With 4/20 coming up, I have plans to eat a brownie, smoke some good strains, and listen to weed related records.
This is what I just got tonight. It’s called Grape Soda
It’s definitely a dark purple bud. I really like it. It has a good taste and smoke, it’s cool looking, and soft, has a calming effect, and not too strong of a medicated feeling.
This is the other one I have… it’s called Alien Bubba. It’s great, but very strong.
That’s about it. I have my mental health worker coming in the afternoon and she’s gonna help me bring my photos out to the car to bring to the gallery on Monday. I’m hoping someone can help me bring them into the gallery from my car because it’s a bit too much for me to do on my own. I don’t wanna ask for too much, but seeing as I have such severe pain issues. I’ve been getting a lot stronger too though. Part of me is always in soldier mode, and especially right now, after my friend’s death, I can’t help but wanna make sure I’m able to defend myself… no with guns, because I hope to never resort to those, but I wanna be able to fight back if someone is trying to hurt me. I’ve been doing my hand weights again and I’m doing great with my diet as well. I’ve lost a lot of weight this year, like 50 pounds out of the 60 it took 2 years to gain, and it’s only been the last 6 months or so that I’ve been dieting, so my goal is to end up even thinner than my lowest weight a couple years ago, which was he lowest in over a decade. I am only about 8-10 pounds above it now, so it’s a reasonable goal.
I will leave you with a song… RIP Black Rob. He died today and I love this song. I know it from the Slam Soundtrack, which saved my life
and here is an old video by Jim Henson that helped me understand music…
It’s been four or five days since I last wrote. I’m still enjoying my new keyboard and play it about 20 minutes every other day or so, which isn’t a ton, but it’s still enough that I can see myself making minor improvements.
Me (Jymi Cliche’) playing keyboard in a Wicked Cliche t shirt
Tonight will be eight days of doing the 23 minute body-scan guided meditation I’m hoping to do for 56 days straight. I’m already starting to feel better. I haven’t been in a rage since I last wrote, and I’m handling stress with a little more ease. I’ve also tried to set a goal or intention and plant it in my heart… something I want more than anything, or things I wanna see unfold. I place those ideas in my mind and try to give them some light and yesterday I received a couple of truly kind and encouraging rejection letters. While rejection is not the goal, it’s hard to read something like this and not see the good in it… at least for me, as I try to see as many sides to everything as I can…
There was more to the letter in the beginning about how they were sorry to say that the market is more selective as ever and they have to keep a modest list, which is what a lot of them say. They went on to say my stories were “heartfelt, engaging, and need to be told” and gave me some advice on picking an overarching takeaway based on the 50 pages they read. It was actually too long to screenshot the whole thing, but this was the best part, so I thought I’d share.
I’ve just been doing what I can to get through shit. I’m cleaning the apartment more, cooking, writing queries, doing art, getting artist statements ready for the upcoming show, getting outside here and there, and reading “On Writing” by Stephen King. I haven’t watched any TV or movies lately, although I bought a fan edition of Empire Records the other day because it was “Rex Manning Day” (a holiday for nerdy Empire Records fans) and I was telling Koda about it. He has never seen it but said it sounded good, and from what I know of his taste in movies, he is actually quite picky, but Empire Records seems like it would be perfect for him, so for five bucks I had to grab it for when he comes this summer.
I did a new drawing called “Brick Tales”… it’s million dollars or best offer. (;
I made collages with some of the art I’ve done in the last few months… mostly all in 2021…
My top 5 artists, my cat, and an old friend…from my children’s book “Be the Best You”photosfrom my new painting going in the performance space at The Armory in Somerville, MAartall art by Jymi Cliche;
I have my big Open Mic/Art Show Zoom Party this Friday night and it’s looking like it will be a success and get as many people as the other two I did this past year, which were an average of 30 people.
I have to practice my songs in a minute.
Speaking of music, I’ve been listening to lots as usual. I’m getting a playlist ready for 4/20. I’m gonna eat a brownie, smoke, and listen to weed related albums all day. Nothing like high standards. No pun intended, yet there it is.
One of the records I got recently was the new Common album, “A Beautiful Revolution, Part 1” with Black Thought of The Roots, Chuck D of Public Enemy, Lenny Kravitz, and Stevie Wonder. Common was one of the most important hip hop artist for me early on who showed me hip hop could be truly beautiful, like any other great music genre, but this is his best in a while. I highly recommend it.
Here it is.. the whole thing as a performance video. Damn. I’m gonna have to watch this too…
And that is where I leave you for now. I am extremely grateful for getting through these hard times and I’m still thinking of my friend Randy and missing him. I’m also trying not to think about it too much because I get worked up talking and writing about it, so I’m mostly not doing too much of that either.
Last time I wrote, I was having a difficult weekend. I’ve been dealing with severe PTSD triggers and a lot of anger, stress, and extreme anxiety. I was beginning to take control by making gratitude lists every day, and I continue to do so. It definitely helps.
Unfortunately, about an hour after I posted my last blog, I learned that my good friend took his life in February. We didn’t have many friends in common and nothing was ever announced through his page, but when I went to his page, wondering why I hadn’t seen anything from him in a while, I saw that he’d died of suicide, and even more than that, he was driven to it by someone who was trying to get him to kill himself because of information he had that they didn’t want coming out… and there’s more to it than that. The back story is in my trilogy. I can’t help but feel I’m in danger as well, and this week has been rough. The truth is, I never feel truly safe. I’ve never known what it feels like to feel safe… and that in itself explains a lot about me, but more so about my complex situation, and my friend who just killed himself was going through something quite similar. We were both caught in the middle of a political war with corrupt government, church, hospitals, and so on. He was a survivor like me, but he was targeted so badly that he ended up taking his life, and I feel sick about it.
I decided that I was better off just keepin’ on keepin’ on than to overthink it. I cooked myself a whole chicken on Easter, with garlic, butter, white wine, lemon juice, parsley, salt and pepper, and oregano, along with a zucchini casserole with tomatoes, green chilies, and cheddar cheese, plus mashed potatoes and gravy. It was a nice treat. I’d gone to my parents’ the weekend before and we had an early Easter just the 3 of us, but I was alone on actual Easter Day, except for a visit from my mental health worker who helped me with dishes and bringing a big box out to the trash. I was grateful for the help and for the delicious food… I was also grateful to myself for taking the effort to celebrate Easter, even by myself.
I struggled through the week with severe anger and other PTSD issues and decided further action was needed beyond the gratitude lists, which WERE helping, but I knew that Thursday was gonna be a major challenge. I had to wake up at noon when I usually don’t wake up until 3 to 6 PM and then drive myself in my tired state to the mental health center a half hour away (and I have severe driving anxiety), then I had to put on a mask, which I struggle with due to hospital staff trying to kill/suffocate me with towels over my face when they beat me senseless years ago. I had to wear the mask into a crowded building full of mental patients with boundary issues all over the place (which is also extremely stressful), and then get this injection that I don’t know if I fully trust, and wait around at the center with the other mental patients for 15 minutes until I got the okay to drive home. I knew this would be a challenge for me the way I was feeling. I was feeling like any little thing might set me off, and that I’d lose control and the cops would be called and I’d be killed, or at the very least, locked up for a long, long time until I broke completely. I’m always in fear of that possibility, especially when I have to leave the house when I’m not feeling up to it. It was the date of my second vaccine though. I had to go even though I was scared of losing control.
I decided to try a guided meditation from the Insight Timer app. I found one that was 23 minutes long and it says if I do it every day for 56 days straight, it will re-wire my brain, so that it’s healthy and restored in all kinds of ways. I decided I’m gonna attempt the challenge. I’d only done it once on Thursday morning before going to bed the morning before my afternoon vaccine appointment. When I got there, I was in a room with three people ahead of me, all getting their vaccines, and the nurse asked each of them nicely “Do you need a verification card?” and they all said yes because they weren’t given out the first time. When it was my turn I said “I need a verification card too” and she immediately snapped at me saying “I already gave you a card!” to which I snapped back “No you didn’t!” and she was moody, but she gave me my injection and card, yet I have no idea what her issue was. I can’t help but be paranoid that she was working for people who want to break ME the way they broke my friend who just killed himself…like they knew from my blog or some other way that I was struggling, and that they thought a nurse yelling at me with a lie would be enough to push me overboard because it IS a huge trigger for me to be told a lie like that, and if I reacted in a crazy, out of control way because of that, they’d just lie and say “I’m sorry, I thought I already gave him one” or something and I’d be in handcuffs being beaten by the police by then. I know it seems far fetched, but people DO work in the system for that very reason. Did you see The Departed? People like Matt Damon’s character exist in every position inside the system, working for gangs and corrupt politicians and I’ve been locked up and tortured just for talking about it, but I’ll never stop until it’s truly exposed.
It’s definitely been rough, but I’ve been cleaning, I took a few walks and saw some bunnies, I’ve cooked and submitted a few more queries of my memoir, played the keyboard, talked to friends, taken baths, done art, listened to records, and done whatever I can to get through. I’ve done three days of 23 minute meditations, and I’m grateful for every little thing.
Passing Through by Jymi cliche’ Easter 2021
I did that new cray pas drawing on Easter in memory of my friend.
My long haired cat rolling around in crumbs under the table. Sigh….
cleaning(Above) my hip hop recordsmy non- hip hop records (rock, punk, metal, folk, funk, soul, trip hop, new wave, reggae, grunge, etc)this is how i feel when i go outside….
I’m doing my best, as as my Tupac shirt says “Only God Can Judge Me”
It’s been a challenging day. Oddly it started off pretty good. I thought I was in a healthy space and was offering a friend support in a support group that I’m part of that has a long history and means the world to me. We were talking about depression and offering apps and workbooks and other tools that have helped us. One of my friends said she kept a gratitude journal and I was shocked I forgot to suggest that, as it’s usually the first thing I suggest, particularly because it truly helps. There was a time when I got mad when people wouldn’t even bother to try it, but I know how depression can be and I regret that I sounded so judgemental in my first book about a friend who wouldn’t try my suggestions, yet kept saying he was depressed and didn’t know what to do. Ultimately, I felt I knew best, based on my own experience from having been chronically suicidal for 20 years and lifting myself out of it. I had the tools and was trying to share them, but I’d forgotten how hard it was to be THAT miserable and not have faith it was gonna get better. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re at the bottom. It’s certainly understandable to me now that if he was drowning in depression, he wasn’t gonna see how making a simple gratitude list would do anything to change his situation. I tried to explain to him how that was where he was wrong, but that probably wasn’t the best approach. While I may not have been in a deep depression myself when I wrote about my frustrations with my depressed friend not trying my suggestions in 2013, I was still dealing with severe mental health issues and brain damage from a psychosis 3 years prior. It wasn’t really until I was editing my book during my 3rd psychosis in 2018/2019 that I realized how cold and judgemental I sounded about some things I’d written, but it was the truth of where I was at during that time and I didn’t wanna change too much of it. As long as I continue to live, I can retell my stories from new perspectives as I learn them.
Today was a rough day because I’ve started to put more of the pieces together lately about things I’ve been through and what the true capacity of my situation is, and it’s a lot. It’d be a lot for anyone, to say the least, and it’s a lot for me. As proud as I am of myself for telling my story and putting it out there for the world, almost no one read it, and out of the portion who DID read it, probably only a small percentage believe me, but I was reminded today, when I reached out in my misery, the best I was able, that there are people who care and who believe me. I knew I could have asked “better”, but I wanted people to see it wasn’t just another post, another day… I needed immediate attention, and I got it, and I’m grateful… and like, I DID need immediate attention. I was screaming and pounding on the table. I tried to take a hot bath to relax but started screaming in the tub and violently splashing the water. I was thinking about how I’ve spent the last decade in therapy talking about my trauma, and they still think I’m fucking delusional about REAL trauma that THEY can’t compute in their heads because they don’t wanna believe that they might be working with people who don’t have the clients best interests in mind. I know how crazy it sounds, and yet I’ve had non-crazy, legit people confirm it over and over to me through the years, but they aren’t on trial, defending me to my therapy people! I have to deal with this diagnosis of Schizophrenia that some asshole doctor came up with to shut me up because I was accusing them of something they ARE part of but knew very well I couldn’t prove, and I am not alone in being a victim of this in the system. I wrote my book to try to explain that it’s not just happening to me, but so many of us…yet a year has gone by and my book has got me and my story nowhere… at least it feels like that, and as I continue to get rejections for my new books and life is kicking my ass in all kinds of ways like it always does, I just felt like shit. Plus, it’s Easter weekend and that brings up a lot. It’s the anniversary of a lot of hard shit right now, but even if I only have a small crew of friends who’ve read my books and who can tell I’m being honest and who actually understand because they’ve seen the things I talk about and know that kind of corruption is everywhere and inside their own families or schools or hospitals or whatever and so they know I’m not crazy, but I’m talking openly about the inner workings of the system that no one is supposed to know or at least talk about, and right now I feel like I’m in danger and that people are working against me… not just because I’m paranoid from sharing more of the story with publishers all over the world, trying to get representation, but because I can see and feel that things are off right now with the people I don’t trust but have to keep in my life at arm’s length. I feel angry that when I try to talk about this stuff in therapy, they act concerned like I’m saying unusual things, but I’ve been saying it all along and believed it all along because it’s fucking real, yet they act like I only bring it up because I’m having a “symptom”, and of course when I get all riled up and angry from being gaslit for forty years, they act like that’s a symptom too. It hurts me deeply.
I was grateful for the support though, especially since I know most of them really meant it. I’m very lucky to have great friends.
I saw that my aunt posted 3 gratitudes on Facebook today and my other aunt asked her if she was doing something she saw in the paper today saying that writing 3 gratitudes a day for a month could significantly change your situation for the better, and she said yes, she was doing that. Interesting, as I have been saying this for years but it’s just like my family to listen to an article in the Globe over what I’ve been saying for a decade, cuz who am I? My parents didn’t even start to accept me as gay until Ellen came out and made gay people okay. Their gay child was not okay, even to them, until the mainstream society accepted a famous gay as their own.
But, I’m going to take my own advice and list some stuff I’m grateful for…
I played the keyboard for a bit and was having fun with that. Music is good for the soul, as is crying which I also did.
I did good at the Open Mic last night. This was my song. It’s called “The Story Of the Godchild” This was me performing, and I enjoyed everyone else a lot as always too.
I am grateful for my boyfriend, who is currently my only boyfriend at the moment. I recently went from 2 boyfriends to 3, back down to 2, and now just have the one. The newest one was just someone I was kind of trying out and vice versa, but I don’t think he really wanted to be in a poly relationship and I didn’t wanna be the reason he settled for something he didn’t really want, so we were over quickly, but I was still a little bummed because I did like him, and my other boyfriend was a 3 year relationship that just ended, but it was my decision, even though nothing was especially terrible, we’d lost our connection and I didn’t feel like we should continue on as we were. It went fine but I hope I didn’t hurt him more than he let on. I’m kind of sad about it too, but I think it was the right choice.
I’m grateful for music… my record player and records are such a joy for me, as well as the hip hop vinyl collectors group I’m in that’s such a welcoming community for hip hop nerds like myself. I’m grateful for my home and my bed and my weighted blanket, for my cat Moo, for hot baths with awesome scented soaps, delicious food and people who bring me the food whether it’s already made or for me to cook, nurses who come to do my injections, my mental health workers, my family, my art, computer, phone, social media, self help apps, the weather getting nice, the cleaning I’ve done, fresh air when I get it, medicine, health insurance, weed, caffeine, vitamins, my upcoming art show, my web site, the fact that I keep occasionally selling more books and t-shirts, and that I’m not locked up during my favorite season. I have all this and more to be grateful for.
Here is some new art….
and a friend sent me this…
My friend, an artist named James Welch in my t-shirt (see his Instagram below)
I made this from that Tik Tok recipe. It’s a block of feta cheese in a pan with olive oil, a package of cherry tomatoes, garlic, and Italian herbs, all mixed together and baked for a half hour at 400, then broiled for 15 more minutes. Take it out of the oven, add fresh basil and a box of cooked pasta and mix it up, yum.
Today is officially Easter and I’m gonna make a whole chicken and a casserole later, but I’m heading to bed soon, exhausted after a day of extreme feelings…
Here’s a song i like… kinda psychedelic
Happy Easter everyone, from this nobody of a Godchild.
