Author: jymicliche

Last time I wrote, I’d just done some massive Spring cleaning, and while I still have a ways to go, what I did on my own was incredibly hard work for me. I’m not in good physical shape and had to get on the floor, lift stuff, climb on things, put stuff together, move heavy objects, go up and down flights of stairs with heavy bags, etc. It’d cost well over $200 to pay someone to do what I did last week, and so I ended up getting myself a gift. It’s an electronic keyboard with a drum machine and it has 300 beats and 300 different instrument sounds and I can record on it, so I’ll be able to make beats with it fairly easily. I’ve wanted a keyboard since my manic spiritual experience in 2010. I’d just seen a Jim Henson exhibit at the History Museum in Lexington and there was a video of a Muppet that was sort of like an early version of Kermit, and he was playing jazz music on a piano and explaining what he was doing in a way that I understood…like, in that moment, standing there in the museum, watching this old Muppet video that I understood music for the first time, and when I was locked up in Cambridge Hospital a few weeks later, they had a piano, and I would manically play it every day, doing what I now understood. I was annoying everyone because I had no skill yet, and I still don’t, but I have the music in me, and I can already tell that I’m actually gonna make use of this instrument, unlike the bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bongos, and harmonica I already have and don’t know how to play. The thing is, I can pick those up and fuck around a little, making simple music, but I know that I don’t have the coordination skills or the strength or flexibility to ever play the bass or guitar correctly, and I can’t do enough with them on their own to use as a side thing with my rap, but the keyboard is perfect… so, yeah. I literally said to someone the other night that I wanted a keyboard but that I couldn’t possibly allow myself one, and then before he could reply to ask why I couldn’t allow myself one, I’d sort of already done a search to see how much they cost, and when I saw an extremely affordable one with great reviews that included a drum machine and recording options and all that, I ordered it. I don’t regret it. It’s not super high quality, but people say it’s one of the best for beginners.

I haven’t actually done much cleaning the last 5 days, but Friday I needed to rest so I wouldn’t hurt myself before going to see my parents for an early Easter, and I was there Saturday and Sunday and when I got home Monday I didn’t do much either. I took out a big bag of trash and broke down boxes tonight, plus carried the keyboard inside and set that up, and I’ll probably do a little more cleaning before bed, but it was good to get away to see my parents for Easter. We watched the new movie “The Trial Of the Chicago 7” which I enjoyed but it had an intense rape scene and lack of strong female characters. It wouldn’t be my Oscar pick, but I enjoyed it. I thought the Borat guy was great as Abby Hoffman and the humor made it a unique film, because it was also disturbing in many ways, especially what was done to Bobby Seale. Abby Hoffman and Bobby Seale were the only two of the seven that I was familiar with and the story of the trial was new to me so it was cool to see.

The other movie we watched is several years old now but still on Netflix… The Fundamentals of Caring. I hadn’t seen it yet and was in love with it. It was a feel-good comedy that I could relate to because I’ve had so many healthcare workers that I’ve grown to love and have grown to love me as well.

We cooked out on the grill Saturday and we had a honey of the ham, broccoli, cheesy potatoes, and ricotta pie for our Easter, which was technically Palm Sunday.

My dad said something to me that made me feel good in the way he worded it. I can’t quite remember the wording but what he said made me feel like he believes I’ll be successful some day if I keep doing what I’m doing, and that meant a lot.

I took a few pictures…

I am adding this painting to my permanent collection at The Armory. It will be hanging in the new performance space.

I also wrote up my artist statement for the photography show at The Armory in May. This is it.

“Wicked Cliche’ Psychosis Show: Falling Apart, Breaking, and Putting Myself Back Together Through Art” by Jymi Cliche’ (2005-2010)All 25 of these 8×10 photos were taken between 2005-2010 in Massachusetts. Specific towns include Woburn, Stoneham, Reading, Arlington, Cambridge, Somerville, Allston, Brookline, Waltham, Boston, and P-Town. They are photos of friends, strangers, family, graffiti, streets, nature, architecture, design, and a few were taken in spots where some of Jymi’s old friends lived when they were homeless. The specific locations are not included on those, but many of the spots no longer exist anyway because the towns deliberately built stuff to keep them out.

In one of the photos from this collection, the graffiti reads: “Let Go”. Jymi found it on the first day of Spring, 2010 at the beginning of his manic spiritual journey. He felt the sign was speaking to him directly, telling him to “let go” and so he did. He let go of everything, so much that he lost touch with the reality society fed us and started to see things for what they really were, but he was locked up against his will just for talking about it (and causing some harmless trouble by driving around Boston loudly singing and taking photos, including some of these).

Spring has remained a spiritual time of year for Jymi ever since that journey in 2010, and this year he wanted to give back by inspiring other struggling artists to keep doing their art no matter how hard life gets and who’s supporting it. When these photos were taken, Jymi was a broken soul, lost in the system which was destroying him as he tried to get help, going in and out of abusive psych wards, usually voluntarily. The abuse in the system began when he came out as trans. Before that, he thought it was a safe place to turn to.

All through his struggles, Jymi created art, danced, made music, wrote, and took photos and videos. Music is one of his most recent and least mastered skills, but his love for all kinds started as a young child in the 80’s. His obsession with hip hop however, didn’t fully begin until 2001 around his 23rd birthday, which was 9/11. His passion for music and hip hop are displayed in many of the photos included.

Jymi spent time with local underground rappers like Bronze Buddah who hosted “Wut Up Dunn?” on Cambridge Community Television years ago and who is pictured in a few of the photos, as well as a rapper named Struggle. They used to go to parties together where they often did rap cyphers. They’re talented freestylists who taught Jymi a lot about hip hop and life in general.

Jymi took photos of the underground hip hop scene here and there along the way and has a separate collection dedicated to just that, but some of the photos from that collection overlap with the years he was in a psychosis.

The 25 photos picked for this show aim to tell the story of Jymi during some of his most challenging years and how he fell apart, broke, and put himself back together through art.

You can see them here…

http://wickedclicheart.com/wicked-cliche-psychosis-art-show-at-out-of-the-blue-gallery-with-art-photos-a-poem-by-jymi-cliche/

In other news, I lost another pound this month but I’m probably gonna put it back on this week with Easter and leftovers, I sold 4 more books and a t-shirt, and I may have a new long distance boyfriend. Things are still going really well with my other long distance boyfriend and it seems like things are probably over with the local one. We’ve grown apart, but I like a bunch of people right now, yet don’t know what, if anything to do about it. I don’t wanna do anything too fast, but I do like this guitarist and artist guy I’m talking to who reminds me of a rebirth of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. He is unique and cool, although a bit young… like barely 30… but that’s not like, not okay or anything…it’s just that I don’t typically go more than 5 years older or younger than me….not that I really “typically” do anything. I was single for over a decade by choice until recently. We will see how it goes.

Here is a song to try. Peace.

It’s that time of year again when I often ask myself as a Bipolar person, “Is this mania or just Spring?” It’s kind of similar to the “Is this Covid or just allergies?” question. Yes, I may be full of energy and in a better mood, but after a long winter and a year of being kept indoors, isn’t it natural I would wanna get outside and do lots of cleaning with the windows open and music playing somewhat loud? It’s Spring, a time to celebrate new beginnings. Plus, we were just given a big chunk of money for nothing and told to spend it. It can be hard to tell if I’m impulsively and carelessly spending money like one might do during a manic episode, or if I’m only doing what anyone in my position would do. It’s not like I used it on anything negative. No weapons or drugs or alcohol were purchased and nothing was a waste. I had to renew my web site, I got a canvas dresser to replace twenty year old plastic drawers, I got shorts, shoes and sandals for summer, copyrighted my children’s book, bought frames for the art in my upcoming art show, a lamp and mirror for the bedroom, incense, medicine, medical supplies, and yes, I did treat myself to a few records, books, and one kind of big item for fun that I don’t really need… a keyboard that I can play and record beats on. I’ve wanted a keyboard since 2010 and I told myself I shouldn’t buy any more instruments, but all my instruments were cheap knockoff versions and yet I enjoy picking them up now and then even if I can’t really play them. I don’t know how to play the keyboard either, but I know I can still make music with it. “I’m an artist. Give me a tuba and I’ll bring you something out of it” – John Lennon.

So Let’s start with my Spring photos. I took most of these on spring Solstice, which was just a couple days after getting my vaccine… but I think I may have mentioned the vaccine in my last post. It was just the first one though.

I also got this cool photo in the mail from my friend Niko Matthews, a talented photographer

And I found a couple throwback photos from this week in past years. First we have my very good friends Mel and Paul from Washington. This was ten years ago, just about 6 moths after I got out of my three month stay at Pembroke Psych Hospital against my will. I WAS manic before I was sent there, and I had never been so happy, nor have I since, but I was annoying and worrying people, so they locked me up and broke me on purpose, wiping the happiness out of me and causing me to feel suicidal again. They court ordered me onto an anti-psychotic injection which I still take to this day and it has done all kinds of damage to my mind, body, and soul, but it also might be helping me, and I don’t wanna feel like I did when they took me out of heaven ever again. When I got my freedom back in September of 2010, I was still miserable and sick as hell. Seeing Mel and Paul in March of 2011 was the very first thing to lift my spirits, and it made a world of difference to see friends I love and trust, They made me feel like I was really home. They were staying at a hotel in NH playing a gig at a steampunk convention and my dad got me a room for a couple nights so I could go hang out with them while they were so close by. One night at dinner I accidentally referred to the hotel as a hospital. I was still very institutionalized and broken, but my friends and their music lifted me.

You can hear their music here if you’re interested. Mel is a trained opera singer and Paul plays all kinds of instruments and is good at them all.

https://civita.bandcamp.com/

The second picture I found was this…

While this was not my TV, this photo from 4 years ago is symbolic of when I officially threw out a majority of drama in my life. I had just dated a nightmare of a woman in November through January, then shit went down with my friends I’d been hanging out with for a decade. They were lying to me and getting together without me, talking shit about me behind my back because they wanted to do cocaine and other hard drugs and sell their psych meds and do gang shit and I’d been hard at work on myself for a long time and was starting to see some real progress. I told them I didn’t wanna do any of that and didn’t think they should either since they all had kids. If I’d chosen my friends over continuing to recover and work on myself, I may have ended up dead like a couple of them did, and I don’t think the living ones have achieved any of their big goals either, not that I’m judging them. They had their reasons and their obstacles but I knew that if I wanted a better life, I had to say goodbye, and so I did, more of less. I did ghost a few of them which may have been shitty, but I also knew how manipulative they were and that they’d make it impossible for me, so I just blocked most of them, but they were treating me like shit long before that and some of them continue to find ways to harass me all these years later. I got out of a bad situation and turned my life around, and it wasn’t easy. Just about a year later, I was showing my art in a gallery and making new friends in the art world.

I’ve spent most of the week cleaning my apartment and Moo thinks we’re playing a game…

Last off, here are some lunchroom surveys I took in 1995 at Beacon High School in Brookline/Boston MA.

And for music… how about this cuz the weather is saying it’s time for reggae…

The last 2 are local Boston artists. We actually have some great reggae and ska here.

I never could have imagined that I’d achieve all the things I have in the last few years, and yet why do I feel it’s not enough? What is this about? Five years ago I said I didn’t think I’d be in a relationship, have art in an art gallery, publish my books, perform my music in front of audiences, sell art, be getting good reviews, making new, healthier friendships, etc. I was still quite sick five years ago, unable to care for myself at all. I was making progress though. I was definitely ahead of where I was five years before that when I was completely broken for the second time. It wasn’t easy getting up again after that, and my third breakdown just a couple years ago wasn’t easy to get back up from either. In some ways, the third and most recent breakdown was the most heartbreaking, because it was caused by me getting a taste of all the things I wanted. It was too much too fast and it broke me, and I wasn’t sure I was gonna come back from it, especially because it was the third one. I thought, “three times is the charm. I’ll be crazy forever now…” and on some level, that is true. I AM a bit crazier now, but I embrace it and work with it. It’s part of my power as an artist to be a little crazy and different. If I fit in, I’d just be one of those people repeating ideas, but I have my own ideas.

I was thinking about things I’d still like to do with my life that I haven’t yet. Some of it would be easier with money, but I do have some dreams… I’d like to write and direct a movie, make a professional sounding album, really learn to play bass, even if just a few songs. I’d most like to learn “Cannonball” by The Breeders, “Money” by Pink Floyd, and a bunch of Pixies songs. I’d like to get a certificate to work as a peer counselor, and if I’m able to do that and like it, maybe go back to school for an Art/Expressive Therapy degree. I’d also like to learn to surf! I’d love to live on a body of water of some sort with my own private access to the beach, or at least vacation near the beach or uptown in P-Town some time in my life. I’d like to get a book published by a professional publishing company, organize a non-commercialized art and music festival, go to Australia to meet some of my friends there, as well as the San Francisco/Oakland area, do a graffiti mural or legally paid wall art (or both), DJ an event, make a line of skateboards and fashion (which I sort of have on my t-shirt store, but I’d like to have my own label). I dunno if there is anything else. Maybe go to a water park again if I stay this weight or lose more…maybe a bottom surgery or two if they create something that seems worth doing… go on a boat trip of some sort again, at least a whale watch, and maybe go camping or to a cabin in the woods. But I will start with getting hugged again. I actually had a friend try to hug me the other day, but with Covid going on and the stress I was under that day, it wasn’t exactly the kind of hug I need. My friend recently bought me a weighted blanket though and it kicks ass!

I am grateful I got my first vaccine the other day and am looking forward to getting back to life if and when possible so that I can do all the things I want to do.

It won’t be easy, but I will try…I’m 42 now and I don’t want to die.

This is a new 3 foot long painting I did based on an old art therapy drawing of what makes me happy. It’s kind of based on a vision I have about a big party at the end of the world that gets the world started over from the beginning. The party is in a heavenly type dimension where people just dance and sing and eat and drink and play music while enjoying the nature around them. A robot child plays DJ and the stars in the sky spin into a giant yin yang of darkness and light. The yin yang spins in orgasmic peace and unity while the music plays until it starts to spin out of control and spits the stars back out as spirits and souls.

Anyway, and here is a video of me performing 5 of my original songs on Facebook Live…

A couple other things… I got this new review on The Godchild. I don’t even know who wrote it.

I also got this awesome art in the mail from my friend EJ Greaves

And I wanted to say congratulations to Nas on his first Grammy ever for his 2020 album “King’s Disease” which I got myself for my birthday back in September. Nas is one of the best out there. About time he was recognized and it IS a great album.

Here’s my cat chillin’ with my shit. I recently found an affordable copy of that Dead Prez album you can see in the photo which I’ve been looking for for years without any luck. I was so excited to find it. Dead Prez are to hip hop what the Dead Kennedy’s are to punk, and not just because of the similar names.

Here is my recently re-done bedroom and my new weighed blanket my friend sent me.

And here is me. I am glad to say I am back into a size 42 pants, down from a 46 around this time last year.

And to leave you with some music, how about “I Am the Spring” by Morcheeba because it’s Spring today!!! YAY! Happy FUCKING Spring!

and here’s another one I love because I just got this Mad Season record too. Mad Season was a super group of Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, and Screaming Trees members…

Peace

I’ve been struggling with my rejections lately, but for some perspective, I’ve been stumbling upon some of my favorite underground artists and lost songs lately too. It’s like the universe did it on purpose. I recently used a song by Liggy Wog on my podcast of “The Godchild”, and I still have and listen to two of their cassettes. I’m pretty sure me and my ex wife were two of maybe fifteen fans they had, if that, and 25 years later it’s safe to bet I’m the only person who still has their music, similar to how I’m the owner of the only copy of a video cassette of an early 90’s feminist sketch comedy show that was on PBS at 2am every other Sunday for awhile. Lea Delaria who played Boo on OITNB, stand up comedian Kate Clinton, and Dr. Bertice Berry, plus several other well known feminists were the stars of the show. It was brilliant and ahead of its time and I’m the only one who has it. PBS literally sent me their only copy. A couple years ago, my friend Anthony searched high and wide to find me a copy of the song Electric Storms by The Devlins which was a B side to a song that flopped by a band that flopped in the early 90’s and I was the first and only person to upload it to Youtube. I still have The Organic Icecubes album from Mark Erelli’s high school band on my computer. I have a copy of “The Cadelli Stink Tape” on my Spotify (currently private)… which was a home town comedy gem of some kids I went to school with when they were like, nine and thought they were The Beastie Boys or something. I’m probably the only person who cares about the song Skies Turn Black by Bronze Buddha and Bobericc, and it’s one of my all time favorites. Lil Wayne’s most hated album is one of my all time favorites as well, and I have many super talented friends whose music still soothes me on a rough day that never went anywhere… so on and so on. All the artists who made those brilliant songs and albums that are hugely important to me probably considered those works failures. They weren’t a big success. They didn’t get those artists to the places they probably hoped it would get them, but they left their gifts to the world, if only at the very least, through me. I already know that my book impacted a lot of people who read it, as has the audio-book version. It has made a difference and my new books will be read too, whether they’re published by a publisher or not because there are several people looking forward to more, and that is something I can be proud of. Most people don’t get published, and if they do, it’s most often because they went with a glam agency, which was the kind of agency that did accept my book right away, and they called me on the phone after having read it and sent me a summary of how they would market it and it sounded a bit too good to be true, and while they are an actual publishing company, in the end, most people who sign with them sell about as many as I did self publishing, and are charged thousands of dollars for thousands of books they have to buy and this and that through the agency as well. I got out of it immediately thankfully, because self publishing hasn’t really cost anything other than some extra stuff I chose to put money down on like a week of promotional advertising and press kits, but it’s completely free to self publish through Amazon like I did, so I made the right choice on that, and the publishers I’m querying would be free as well. They’d be agreeing to do a lot of work for me on the faith that they thought my book would make them money. That’s not easy to get someone to do, especially for a nobody like me, so it is what it is. It helps to remember how much I love some really obscure sit though. Some of it is stuff I wouldn’t be me without. Other artists might consider that perspective as well, that even just a few fans can keep your art alive.

*BURP*

Here is some of the art I’ve been up to. I keep bustin’ my ass at it, hoping I’ll get noticed, and actually, today Parama Chattopadhyay who runs the art gallery posted a big thing on me with a bunch of my art, saying I was one of the artists at the gallery.

I made a drawing of cacti for my niece, because she asked…

And I did a few more pages in my children’s book. Actually, I finished it tonight!

I got away for a couple days to see my parents for their birthday. Their birthday last year was the last time I went out to dinner or anywhere pretty much, for that matter. This was the sunset when I got there…

I stopped at the graffiti spot on the way home to take some photos and get a walk with some air…

My cat Moo was glad to have me back home…

My friend Mel sent me this fifteen pound grey weighted blanket as a gift to help with my stress and it’s friggin’ awesome!

And to leave you with some music, here are a few songs that may have been considered flops by the artists, but they mean the world to me…

And that is all I got for you today!

I’m having a rough time. Every day, everything seems to be a failure or a miss. I’ve been holding on by a thread and I burst into tears today. I’ve spent my day talking about what’s going on with different people… my mom, my boyfriend, and a couple of my best friends. One of my friends even offered to buy me noise cancelling headphones or a weighted blanket to help with my stress. I think my dad has noise cancelling headphones though and will maybe bring them tomorrow when he comes to change my light bulb I can’t reach.

I’m so tempted to list off everything that’s going wrong and stressing me out right now. I can’t understand why life has to rain turkeys like this so often, Aren’t I a good person? I’ve been trying so hard, wearing myself thin, not only with my own work, but things I’m doing for others, and I feel like I’m not getting anywhere and it’s hard. I mean, just five years ago, my mental health worker at the time asked me where I thought I’d be in 5 years and I said “maybe making a little progress, but more or less the same.” She said “Don’t you think you’ll be in a relationship and showing your art in galleries?” and I said “No, not in 5 years, maybe ten, but even that, I don’t know.” and then just months later, I started dating for my first time in over a decade, since my transition, and since my wife left, and while that was a disaster at first, 2 years after my mental health worker asked me that question, I was in 2 open relationships… the same two I’m in now, and I started showing my art in galleries AND performing, and I was on TV and had a big solo show, and all long before that five year mark, where I didn’t expect to be yet. Now, I’m making so much progress, it’s natural I want more for myself, but while I may not be that extremely broken person I was five years ago, I feel like in a sense, that’s all I’ll ever be, is at the bottom. Maybe I’m not worthy of success, but after all I’ve been through and everything I’ve done for people I love, for God and the Universe, acting on faith and being locked up for it, and even helping strangers… I’ve worked my ass off to become a better person, but I still get walked all over and sometimes it makes me wanna explode. My anger is so high sometimes. Life has fucked me left and right and made me its bitch and I’m humiliated by it every day.

I guess it helps to remember that some piece of me believes in myself in a huge way. I still really believe that I’m The Godchild and that in the end, I’ll win somehow. I believe that good will win, and peace and love will come back to us in some way, even if it means the end of the world. I believe the world will re-start and we’ll all get a chance to play again. I believe that the Godchildren are the star players and that we’re important to the world in a huge way. There are many of us and our time and purpose is coming. I’ve always related to the story of the tortoise and the hare. I’ve taken the slow route, but what I’ve seen and been through better prepared me to do well in times like these than the people who seemingly won early on. I’m a soldier. I’m an artist, but I’m a soldier too. I marched in the drum lines of intergalactic world wars. This is not the end of my life. It’s mostly been a great year for me. I’m 42 which is a big deal. It’s “the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything” according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy.

It’s officially been just about a year since quarantine started, and since I’ve hardly left the house all year, it’s natural I’m struggling. I feel a lot like I did when I wrote this song, which I performed at Out Of the Blue Gallery a year ago yesterday. I was still just starting to get back at life after being stuck inside for 7 months with my third psychosis at the end of 2018 and early 2019.

Life is so up and down lately though. I was told yesterday that my art was gonna be in a magazine today and I woke up to find it wasn’t there, and the magazine won’t be published again for another month after I did a bunch of work to get it done immediately like I was asked. Then, I wasn’t able to do what I envisioned for my art show. Right after I was told I could do whatever I wanted and was asked “So, what do you want to do?” I answered and got a quick “Oh, no, we can’t do THAT… the cost, the politics, yadda yadda”. But we were able to come to a compromise that worked. It’s just that it triggered me and reminded me of times growing up when I was told a person was a safe person and could be trusted and that I could say anything to them, but after I did, I was punished or called a liar or stupid or bad or whatever. I ended up in tears on the phone, which was embarrassing, but I got through it and the compromise might actually be better anyway, it just triggered me on a rough day. It wasn’t really her fault. I knew my vision might be too much.

It’s been everything though. I don’t even wanna get into it all now. It’s raining turkeys on my life and I can’t catch a break.

I’ve done a little more art and stuff lately though… I painted this and took a video of me doing so…

I’ve done a few more pictures for the children’s book…

And here are some photos and art going into my May and June shows at The Armory… except for the photo of the utility box in the sunset which i took out of the show because I had a few too many things.

That’s about it. I dunno what to leave you with for music. I’ve been enjoying some records but can’t think of any tracks off them to share.

How about this? This is my former therapist and now kind of a friend who I perform at the Open Mic with. She did this parody version of Jolene by Dolly Parton called “Vaccine” and it’s appropriate for the moment, so enjoy…

It’s been a rough few days. I’ve been waking up in a rage caused by my cat’s constant crying and this fucking opera singer next door who sings scales of “la la la la la la la la la” over and over for hours at top volume just as I’m waking up each day. None of it is good for my PTSD. Even people without PTSD would been driven up a wall, but loud repetitive noise makes me insane…

On top of the rage, I was sent to tears twice yesterday because of a fucking Facebook glitch, I thought my best friend died and then I sobbed again with relief when she texted me that she was okay.

Life has been a challenge in other ways too. My aunt’s boyfriend’s son died of a heroin overdose the other day, half my family has had Covid, I’m sick with a bad cough right now, I was completely out of money until today and what I got today wasn’t much, but I bought a few things I needed for my upcoming art show. I don’t know if that’s even gonna be worth the effort and money I’m putting into it. Being in May and June, we still won’t be able to have large gatherings. People will probably have to go see it on their own time. Hopefully they will.

Today I got what was maybe the worst rejection letter I’ve received so far, because many of them are encouraging, saying my book sounds interesting and is well written, but just isn’t what they’re specifically looking for. The one I got today said “the writing just wasn’t where I needed it to be.” I felt shot down. I mean, I know I have a limited vocabulary and am not always eloquent, but I’m a decent writer. I don’t have the $10,000 it costs to get a fucking editor or even a proof reader. I’m a disabled, mentally ill, trans man who went into the psych ward after high school rather than graduating college, and then I was in and out of detoxes, or hanging out with gangsters and I missed out on a lot of stuff going on in the intellectual world, but I have an amazing story to tell, and the writing isn’t bad at all. I looked to see what I’d sent the agent, and realized that she was the one who said she can tell in three pages if she wants a book, and that if the writing isn’t pristine and she isn’t instantly wowed, she won’t be interested, so I knew she probably wasn’t the one, even though some of what she said she was looking for was relevant. I thought she was worth a try, but I feel like some people just get a tiny taste of me and they be hatin’. I realize that’s not proper English, but you know the phrase…Anyway, I don’t understand why she had to say that the writing wasn’t up to her standards. Nobody needs to hear that from someone who only read three very personal pages of their life. It made me feel shitty, but I mentioned it to a couple people who read The Godchild and they said that what’s great about my books is that they’re written in my true voice, which makes the raw honesty of the story stand out far more than fancy language. I’m just bummed though because in the last couple days I found two non-binary agents looking for something exactly like my book, but I already queried agents at both of their agencies, so I can’t query them. I’m so mad at myself for not doing enough research to find them first, but there’s no way I could have known they’d even exist until I found them. Hopefully if their co-workers aren’t interested, they’ll pass it over to their non-binary partners to take a look at. It’s just so hard to get started from the bottom, no matter how hard I work. People say I achieved a lot just by writing and publishing my books, but they’re meant to be read, ideally. I feel like I’d be lucky to get 2/5 of the readers I got for my first book if I release another one without a publisher, and that’s just not okay with me. I’m gonna keep trying.

I haven’t spent much time illustrating the children’s book this week, but I did one page I was proud of…

I framed a few more photos for the art show and ordered some more frames today

Also framed these 9×12 pictures

The Timothy Leary was a collab with someone I used to know who is living off the grid. They did the stencil and I added the colors.

For music, I’ve been working on this…

And that is all for now.

I was excited and mind blown when I found these photos yesterday before bed. Someone had mentioned something vague about my profile pictures and I was curious what they might be referring to. I saw that in 2010, 2 weeks after I swam to the island like I talk about in chapter 32 of The Godchild… my favorite chapter about an amazing day, I posted these photos I took that day. I did not get any of the art back that I left at the park that day I dove in and swam to a deserted island to spend the night with Mother Goose…but this is what I was doing before I dove in, and where my mind was at.

Unfortunately my phone camera in 2010 was not that great, but these are some cool pictures to have. If you read The Godchild I’m sure this chapter stands out in your mind, and so it’s cool to have a record of that actual, real day.

Another cool thing I found was this painting my alternative high school art teacher, Pat Mattina did of me while I was still a high school student. Pat is THE art teacher who I credit as being MY art teacher, even if I technically had many art teachers over the years, Pat was the one who turned me into a real artist. She was a great teacher. I had her for English too, which I also loved. Her English class was for the creative kids who preferred writing and art to sitting down and reading. Reddi’s class was for the analytical reader types. They would have been what was basically like an honor’s English class, but Pat’s class was perfect for me. We were still very smart, just different smart. We spent a couple semesters reading banned books and a couple semesters reading books about artists. We studied the Harlem Renaissance and abstract expressionism, e.e. cummings, beat poetry, jazz, etc. I really loved that school and the way they kept me interested in learning which public school failed to do. Pat did this painting of me standing by the steps in the front building. My pants were actually a dark pink and black plaid pair of Skidz, but she took artistic license. She originally didn’t want me to see this painting which she did while doing a series of paintings of some of the students. My favorite by her was called “Teen Feet” and it was the legs and shoes of several students under our desks. I could tell who each student was just by the legs and shoes in the painting because we were all so unique there, but Pat did this of me and didn’t want me to see it because of how sad I looked, and I really was so depressed back then. She saw it all over me, but it’s a great painting…

I’ve got a few more random photos from this week. First, this is me out in the snow, getting some much needed fresh air…

Here is Moo on the couch…

A Reks record.. the newest called THINGS with Apollo Brown, Evidence, Pharaoh Monch, and Statik Selektah, plus a few of my hip hop Funko Pops including the new Jam Master Jay

A new Painting I got by an artist named Len Di Mercurio

The most recent page in my children’s book

My new book covers have all arrived. You can buy them signed through me for $15 each or $40 for all 3. email me at wickedcliche@gmail.com

I got this lotion too. Sells great and made with hemp, so great for skin, even un-medicated.

And for some cool music, try out this friend of mine on Facebook. His show Bunker Buds is way cool.

First of all, I have an announcement that I’m having an art show at Out Of the Blue Gallery in Somerville MA this May and June, 2021. It’s got a theme of art, photography, and poetry done between 2006-2010 when I was most sick with mental health issues.

You can learn more about it here…

In other news, I did a couple more drawings last night for my children’s book and realized I’m only a little more than halfway done. I still have 14 more to go and I didn’t get any done tonight.

And now here are more of the apps that have helped me…

Zoom – I’ve used Zoom for a number of things this year including Open Mics, high school reunions, human rights meetings, and so far, two very successful Open Mic/Art parties that I’ve hosted. One was for my 42nd birthday, and one was for the New Year. For years I dreamed of having a big party for all my friends all over the world to attend. I’ve also been dreaming of organizing events like Woodstock where all my musician friends would play and artists would make and sell art since I was a young teen. Thanks to Zoom, and even the pandemic a little, that idea became a reality. Each party got an average of 30 people, including about 10 performers or artists talking about their art. Friends I’ve been talking to for twenty years through the internet but who I never met were there to wish me a happy 42nd birthday and to support one another and our creative expressions. It was such a nice time and I’m planning another in April to welcome Spring.

WordPress – Gotta mention this site which hosts my web site and blog. I haven’t fully figured out how to make use of it yet, but it’s nice to be blogging and keeping a web site again, especially now when everything’s faster and more accessible.

DrawingBox – People say it’s a shitty program, but I like it and use it to do most of my digital art on my iPad. There’s a free version, and for just a few dollars you can get the full version which is simple to use and I honestly like it.

Leafly – I don’t make full use of this site anymore, and I should, at least for the weed diary where you can keep a record of every weed strain you get and rate it based on taste and effects. I smoke so many different strains all the time and can never remember what my favorites are. You can keep track in Leafly. It was also how I found a medical place that delivered to me with great prices and it has a record of almost every major strain, and you can look them up by name to see whether it’s indica or sativa, what the THC and CBD content is, and how it will effect you, from dry eyes and mouth which seem to be a universal effect of every strain to being paranoid or anxious, which I like to avoid, and some are better for PTSD, stress, mood swings, depression, pain, etc. I like to look up the strains before I buy them to see which ones are best for my symptoms. It helps a lot and has made it so that I almost never have negative effects of weed anymore.

Amazon Kindle and Apple Books- I use both for downloading and reading books, which has made it easier for me to read more. The Kindle has also offered me a way to self publish my books and make them affordable to people all over the world, so it’s cool. I don’t have an actual Kindle, but the app is free to use to download books from Amazon.

Yummly – When I started cooking again, this was a great tool. You let it know what foods you like and don’t like, as well as what level cook you are, and it generates lists of recipes from all over the internet to make. It helped me a lot with my health.

Instacart – This has also helped me a lot with health. As an agoraphobic person who loves food, I was ordering all my food from local pizza places for years because I didn’t feel comfortable going to the grocery store and still don’t. Instacart has its issues, but I can get healthy groceries for snacks and meals delivered to my door now and that has lead to me losing a lot of weight and getting healthier.

DoorDash and GrubHub – Okay, well, I do still love to get take-out, but now am not limited to the same 5 pizza and sub places or 5 Asian food restaurants that delivered to my home. I’m not limited to pizza and Asian food at all, in fact. Living where I live, I can get food from all kinds of restaurants from at least 7 surrounding cities. Unfortunately, it did add to my weight gain at first because I wanted to try everything, but it was worth it, to sample great food from dozens of places all around me, and now that I’ve sampled everywhere, I know where my favorite places are for the healthier things, although I’m not perfect and get junk delivered too, like tonight I got Burger King because I just wanted a sandwich and something fairly cheap. That’s the down side. They rob you.

Uber/Lyft – If it had not been for these services, I wouldn’t have been able to attend any of the dozen art shows I went to in Allston and Cambridge in the last couple years, as well as a few concerts. I’m not exactly looking forward to getting back into them any time soon, and I absolutely hate being a passenger in a car, but this service has opened up opportunities when I had none.

Paypal – Such a great tool for when you wanna pay people who aren’t a company. I can pay for and get paid for art, I can pay someone to shovel my car, I can send my payment to the gallery, I can pay my boyfriend if he puts my meal on his card, or vice versa. It’s great for so many things. It’s made life a lot easier.

And last of all, I dunno if it counts as an app, but it’s an app that comes with my iPhone and most phones probably have it, and that is the Calendar and Reminders. I set reminders for fucking everything now and it helps me get it all done and not forget. I think without it I’d be lucky if I got done an eighth of what I do now.

So that is it for now. What music can I give you? How bout this instrumental classic everybody knows whether they know the title or not…

And that’s a rap… a wrap? a rap? Over and out…

First of all, let me be clear that Funko Pop action figures haven’t done all that much to change my life for the better, but they are a great little inexpensive present to myself every now and then. I added Jam Master Jay to my collection yesterday. All three members of Run DMC are currently available, but Jam Master Jay was the DJ and I don’t have any DJ’s yet. I couldn’t resist the mini turntables.

The others in the photo are Lil Wayne, Notorious BIG, and Tupac. I have other Funko Pops, but this is my hip hop collection. I have Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Joey Ramone, Bob Ross, Basquiat, Mr. Rogers, Batman, and Rainbow Brite too.

I am a nerd, what can I say? Speaking of which, I’m gonna talk a little about technology, which actually isn’t one of my nerd topics at all. I really don’t know much about technology, but I use it, and there have been some apps that have helped change my life for the better. I’m curious what apps have been helpful to you as well, and why. Please let me know in the comments, but here are a few for me. Most of them are probably well known.

Starting with the old days, beyond the Ani Difranco email list I was part of, which was kind of like a pre-social media version of social media, we had LiveJournal which I used for years and had a very popular blog, but then MySpace popped up which was kind of awesome in some ways and I was able to get back in touch with a lot of friends from high school who I hadn’t talked to in a decade. That had its pros and cons. A lot of my high school friends weren’t people I wanted back in my life, but some of them absolutely were, and I even became close with a few people I wasn’t even friends with in high school! In fact, I’d say the few people I feel closest to from high school now are about 50/50 people I was close with back then, and people I hardly knew then.

Today was the birthday of one of my most special friends from alternative school. We had our first reunion for students and teachers about five years ago in October, which was twenty years since I graduated high school and the same month my sister got married. That reunion was something my soul needed badly because my alternative school friends are my soul family… at least how I see it. I’ll always feel connected to them at my core. We’ve gathered every year since, including this year on Zoom, which is another app I will mention, but it was MySpace that first got me back in touch with my old friends, where LiveJournal was mostly all people I only knew through the internet, although a few of my depressed, emo friends I met in psych wards had LiveJournals, and I kept in touch with several of them through there, for better or worse. One of them is still a best friend and soulmate. I also visited some of my LiveJournal friends in 2001, flying across country to Olympia Washington to meet them. Some of them are family to me to this day as well… people who’ve truly saved me.

Eventually Facebook came along. It definitely offers the best and worst of things. It ended MySpace, and LiveJournal is now owned by conservative Russian spies or something. Until I recently started blogging on WordPress again, I used my Facebook for everything and still do. I treat it like my own pirate radio station, like Hard Harry from Pump Up the Volume, my most influential movie hero. I try to use my blog in the same way. I’ve always treated social media like that. I share news, art, photos, music, humor, inspiration, thoughts on what’s going on in the world or my life… I use it to share my own creative expressions as well as that of others I love, and yes, I even share my opinions on politics…not politicians so much. Fuck most of them, but the issues are still important and I use social media as a way of better understanding the world around me. I do try to avoid negative people, and artists are my favorite to follow. I love seeing art and music. I love that about Instagram too. I don’t go into as much details in what I write on Instagram because mine is public, and I also don’t really read what others write on there either. I mostly just like looking at the art. I follow all kinds of artists and share my art there too. I wouldn’t say Instagram has offered me anything I can’t get elsewhere, other than an easy way to view art and support other artists, which IS important, but I can pretty much do that on Facebook too. I still like Instagram though. For me, it is better than Snapchat which I don’t have and don’t like, and TikTok which I do have and am starting to like things about it, especially doing duets on people’s beats, but I just recently got invited to a rap battle group on Facebook which would probably be more worth my time. Facebook, by far has won for the most addictive and most helpful. There are definitely down sides, and I see those and would love to see a new site replace Facebook with similar features but more freedom. I love social media in most ways, and Facebook has almost everything I’d want, it’s free, and it’s where all my friends are. I’m an extroverted introvert who lives alone and has a bit of agoraphobia, so Facebook is the perfect way to get the interaction I need without it overwhelming me. Messenger on the other hand I could mostly do without. Sure, I use it to talk to many people I love, but I’d be okay with most of those people texting me on my phone. On messenger, I get a lot of bullshit and people who call me on there like it’s a phone annoy me, other than the woman I work with through the gallery who calls me on it for stuff relating to my art and the gallery, which is fine.

I do not like Twitter either. I just don’t get the appeal.

Beyond social media though, there are other apps that have helped me…

MyFitnessPal – I use this to track my food and calories and set goals for eating and stuff like that. It came recommended by my nutritionist and helped me lose over 100 pounds. Of course, when I stopped using it, I gained a lot of that back, but that was also because I quit smoking AND had a psychosis breakdown, so gaining 50 pounds back was kind of expected, but I’ve been using the app again and lost over 30 of those 50 pounds I’d gained back.

Habitica – When I was thinking about quitting smoking several years ago, and also wanting to START doing some positive shit more often, I started doing Habitica as recommended by a friend who said it helped him to take a shower every day. I was having trouble remembering to brush my teeth back then. I’ve brushed every day since starting Habitica, which I don’t actually even really use anymore, but it did wonders for training me to do lots of different activities. For many years with my severe PTSD, I would just sit on the couch and smoke cigarettes or vape while listening to music or watching TV all day. I hardly moved and it was very difficult to motivate myself, even to do things I wanted to do like art, writing, reading, etc. I just couldn’t get myself to do anything, but Habitica turns it into a game where you get points for everything you do that you wanna do, and lose points for doing things you’re trying to do less. You can sort of set it up any way you want. I put each individual thing I wanted to do, and would get points for when I did them, and would take away points for things like smoking on the days I smoked, but not every cigarette. In order to make it worth doing, you wanna set it up to give yourself more positive rewards than punishments. I had all sorts of shit listed… brush teeth, shower, go outside, take out trash, do dishes, make phone calls, clean litter box, read, practice songs, dance, write, do art, play bass, vacuum, do my self help apps, drink water, stretch, go to a social event, organize web sites, lift weights, walk, cook, make gratitude list, etc. It got me going and helped me to figure out how to do many things a day for small periods so I don’t get overwhelmed and I get so much more done now because of it.

DBT Diary Card is also a great app for retraining yourself. I can’t say for sure how well it works for people who haven’t been exposed to DBT as a form of therapy, but for someone like me, who had DBT as the main therapy used in the public mental health system because it was designed by a woman with mental illness, and it works, especially on people with PTSD, addictions, and OCD. Technically it is designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think that is misdiagnosed when at least 50% of the time, it’s not a personality disorder but learned behavior from trauma. I don’t believe DBT really helps people with BPD. I mean, I don’t know, I’m not an expert but from what I’ve seen, I believe it helps those with C-PTSD who’ve been misdiagnosed with BPD, but are capable of unlearning their learned toxic behaviors. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and it combines meditation and mindfullness with coping skills and assertiveness and all kinds of useful stuff that I credit as being the #1 thing that helped me figure out how to get my life together… not just the app, but the group therapy that came before the app. After leaving a few years of DBT groups, I got an iPhone because that was the only phone with an available DBT app which was a one time $5 payment. I still use it on occasion and have it customized to work on all my issues, only some of which are built into it. I track my feelings, thoughts, actions, and coping skills to get a better understanding of how I am affected by things and what needs working on. It’s great.

InsightTimer is another that has helped with my mental health. When I was having a lot of rage a couple years ago, using this app for guided meditations helped me calm down immediately. I only had to do it once before I was feeling better, and it also actually helped me stop grinding my teeth. I wish I’d used it a bit earlier, but it’s a free app with guided meditations as well as calming music and stuff to help you sleep.

Speaking of sleep, it’s getting late, so I’m gonna make this into a 2 part piece.

I did wanna share some music though, and I guess I should mention that I love YouTube for music. Sure, I collect vinyl and I also have AmazonMusic Unlimited, but Youtube is free and has so much cool shit. If I wanna send someone a playlist or a song to listen to, I almost always do it through Youtube if it’s available, which almost everything is.

Here’s a song that came on that had me all excited tonight. I’ve always loved this Moby album, Play.

and here’s a fun one too. RIP PM Dawn

another awesome one…

and one more for the win. gotta love this 90’s shit…

My day started off with an afternoon appointment with my mental health worker. I did dishes while she kept me company and she helped me take some trash out. I was grateful for her help although I was a bit moody. Sometimes she just really pisses me off and triggers me and it’s not really her fault. I wake up only 20 minutes before she gets here and so I’m still moody and she has a tendency to talk a lot, saying what feels like a bunch of bullshit to fill the time sometimes and not giving me the feedback or help that I’m looking for. It’s just a human trait. No one is perfect. She does so many things to help and she’s nice and respectful, just over-worked, but I feel it. It’s not just her though. I feel every single one of my mental health worker’s stress, and I can’t hold it against them, but I gotta try to forgive myself for being such a grump around her all the time because I’m human too.

After she left I used a discount I got in an email to get chicken parm from Luccia’s. You won’t find too many better chicken parms than theirs. They are a true Italian food place. There is one in Winchester and one in the North End. As a person who knows food, it gets whatever marking my highest recommendation would be, for sure. They even brought me two free pizzelles because it’s Valentine’s Day. They were delicious too. My Nana and Papa made pizzelles all the time when I was growing up. They’re flat Italian snowflake cookies.

I talked to both of my boyfriends today, but we did not exchange gifts or cards. I did splurge and buy myself something under ten dollars because I can’t afford any more than that right now. Funko Pop just released all 3 members of Run DMC and since I could only get one, I had to go with Jam Master Jay for a long list of reasons. It’s supposed to come tomorrow, my little Valentine to myself.

I spent most of the night drawing. I didn’t write any query letters. I practiced the Gorillaz song a couple times because the Open Mic is this Friday. I put out the idea of doing another Open Mic Party. For whatever reason, Facebook seems to know exactly which posts I most want to be seen, and they take it out of the algorithm to fuck with me. Okay, maybe I’m being crazy about them fucking with me, although not necessarily… but a few people replied and wanna come, and I know I can probably get at least 30 people again.

But on to the aht. Yes, aht. I’m from Boston, kid.

This first one I did last night, and I made it my web site logo, or at least I attempted to. It hasn’t updated fully yet, but this is it…

And here are a few of the new children’s book pages…

I was proud of myself for coming up with this image. The writing on this page says something about Meg (the main character with pig-tails) doing some things that were wrong before they grew up. I really had to consider how to approach the art on that. I didn’t wanna draw Meg dressed stereo-typically “bad” because what people wear has no indication of whether they are good or bad and or wrong or right, and I didn’t wanna do anything that suggested it did. I also didn’t wanna show Meg doing anything too bad, like violent, or drugs, or anything that could be a bad influence. I figured showing Meg throwing a paper airplane and being in detention was good because a paper airplane is harmless and them being in detention shows there are consequences (even if I did kinda make detention look fun.)

Nothing too mind blowing about the thoughts behind this drawing. Pretty straightforward, but I love drawing people with guitars and instruments.

This page says something like “my life feels like a game of Ping Pong” and is referring to being bipolar and non-binary.

This page was a big deal and I put a lot of thought into how to draw this…. although i actually may add one more detail, but maybe not. Either way, the most difficult decision was how to dress Meg on this page. Were they going to cut their hair short, and what were they going to wear to be the best version of THEM? I went with this and made a few decisions about some of the upcoming pages too.

I will leave you with some modern psychedelic rock. Here is a song by Mothership.

and a Tiny Desk Concert by King Krule

And that’s all, folks.