If you are from Boston, you know that gentrification has closed down most of the art and music spaces in Boston even before the pandemic and almost nothing remains here for us now except for a few places including Out Of the Blue Gallery/ Parma Chai Gallery, which moved into The Armory in Somerville right around the beginning of the pandemic, and they’ve spent the year fixing up an ancient building that is an actual armory and small castle from the Revolutionary war. It’d been run down for decades and wasn’t until Out Of the Blue Gallery moved in there last year that it turned into such a remarkable, gorgeous gallery that is sure to add hugely to the Boston art culture once people get back into going out again. Out Of the Blue Gallery is accessible to real artists who may not have had the privilege of being born rich or going to art school, or even knowing the right people. The gallery took in starving artists for decades in its previous locations, and that is where I, a transgender, non-binary artist with Complex PTSD and Bipolar Disorder who spent 20 years in and out of psych wards and then ten more years in abusive relationships, managed to turn my life around. The gallery is extremely diverse, from the owner to every one of the artists, yet the fancy, rich, and mostly straight and white Somerville art people seem to be attempting to buy it out under us for themselves, in the name of “saving art”. I am not an expert on the subject, so you may wanna read about it in The Herald or follow the gallery on Facebook…
In other, related news, Out Of the Blue held a small, private showing of my May photography exhibit on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. A few close friends came and hung out in the new performance space they are in the middle of fixing up and preparing to hold events with live music again. Here are some of the pictures I took…
sometimes the masks end up upside downThe Armory, Somerville MA
Here is some info on my show, which is going on through June. It’s called “Falling Apart, Breaking, And Putting Myself Back Together Through Art”. The Armory is open to the public Monday-Saturday 9-6 and they even have a cafe in the building.
For music this time, I’ll put up a video that was taken at the Armory this past year, inside Out Of the Blue Gallery, of me rapping over Parma Chai. It was completely improvised and I’m still sort of a beginner, so there were parts that sound better than others, but it was pretty awesome and I’m hoping there will be more to come.
My last post was about haters on the internet and whether it even makes sense to ask strangers their opinions on art or writing. It was stemmed from some hate I got about my book cover the other day. A bunch of people said they wouldn’t even pick up my book because the cover was “too busy”, “unprofessional”, and one person said they wouldn’t know what the book is about by looking at it (as if any book cover can really do that)… but it was eating at me because so many people emphasize that the cover is the first thing people see. If I get a professional publisher, I may not even be able to use it, but it’s looking more and more like self publishing is the most likely thing to happen, and I can live with that, but I don’t wanna scare people away with an unprofessional cover, yet I also felt my cover was nearly perfect for my book… maybe not perfect graphic design, but it felt right to me. It was what I envisioned… So… with the help of the basic Paint program, I added a few lines here and there and I think it’s better. Here is what I plan to go with…
Here is what it looked like before.
So, I just made a few adjustments, but I think it’s better.
I’m heading to bed because I already took my night meds, so I can’t do a full post about my show at The Armory yesterday, but I will when I wake up.
Here’s my new business cards though….
And here’s a song I wanted to share that I fell in love with…
I’ve been getting a lot of shade from strangers on the internet as I put myself out there more, and especially when my stuff gets seen by many, which was the case with a comment I got today on my Tik Tok video. It got 18 likes and a number of compliments, which isn’t a ton, but often times I only get a few likes and views. This time tons of people saw it and I got some compliments, but I also got unsolicited advice from a stranger with 4 followers and no videos of their own. He said “You need to throw in better punch lines and think of better rhymes. The words shouldn’t all end in ‘ad'”
At first the negativity hit me hard and I felt like shit, but then realized I was being gas-lit and told the opposite of the truth by someone who was trying to invalidate my work. I’ve been editing my autobiography and there’s something in there about how when I was growing up, kids and teachers used to tell me I was stupid, ugly, fat, boring, and other stuff like that when the opposite was true. I am fat now, but for the first ten years that I was called fat, I was actually quite skinny. I was also very attractive, fairly smart, and extremely unique, even if I didn’t know how yet, but I believed I was fat, ugly, stupid, and boring because those comments were felt much stronger than any compliments I may have received. This dude on Tik Tok saying “all your words shouldn’t end in -ad” took something kind of unique I do on purpose and spun it like it sucked because he had no understanding of it. Yes, I often throw a bunch of similar sounding rhymes into a verse, but unlike the typical lyrics where each line ends in a rhyme, I throw them in throughout the line for a different kind of effect. It was also only a 1 minute clip of a three minute song, so it may seem excessive in that one part, but there were plenty of other rhymes that didn’t end in -ad.
“I gave all that I had/ and was made to feel bad/ for trying a fad/ and not being rad/ and of course there’s my dad/ but I’m not gonna get into that./ Some stuff’s not even in the past.”
That was the one line with all the words ending in -ad. It goes on from there…
“I’m trying to find my independence/I wear an anchor as a pendent/ I’m sending letters to the president/ It’s evident/ that America is doomed/ We can all sit in one room/ but with whom can you bloom?”
So yeah, this dude with 4 followers and no videos whose advice I did not ask, whether it was meant to be constructive or not, was BS by someone who’s likely just jealous.
Keep in mind, when I say someone is jealous of me, I don’t mean because I’m such a handsome, rich, successful, talented artist. I’m not sure I am any of those things… definitely not rich, and success is a matter of how you view it. In many ways I am successful, but the average person isn’t gonna see me that way. My art may be great, I can’t say for sure, but there are lots of people who still think Picasso and Basquiat’s art is trash, and they’re obviously big influences of mine. Hell, there are people who don’t like DaVinci, even with all his skill, I mean, I’m not even such a huge fan, although I do appreciate him, but The Mona Lisa is a bit underwhelming, in my opinion. Still, who the fuck am I to say it isn’t good? (and that’s not even what I’m saying, but many of these haters are.) And I may be okay looking, but I’m not exactly a hottie or whatever. Anyway, my point is that they may not be jealous of my art or my looks or talent, or any of that, but what they are jealous of is my bravery to put my own art out into the world… hell, the bravery to do art at all in the first place. To be able to say “I’m an artist. This is what I created”, and then not only that, but my art clearly exposes my heart and soul in a vulnerably honest way which one can’t help but feel. On top of that, I often say political things that piss off half the population. To bravely put out my opinions and my creations and bare my soul the way I do, I make it easy for haters to shit on me, and it’s hard, but I am brave. A few friends have reminded me of that lately, that bravery isn’t about not having fear or not being hurt by the comments meant to invalidate us, it’s about continuing to speak up and continuing to share our art, continuing to live each day the best we can when the world is trying its hardest to break us. I am one of the bravest people on the planet by that definition. You aren’t being brave if there’s nothing to be afraid of, which brings me to another story…
After talking about not letting the haters get me down, and not listening to advice by strangers who may know nothing about what they’re giving feedback on, and in fact, usually don’t, I saw a discussion in a writer’s group about Beta Readers, which are people who read your book for free or a small fee, and give you honest feedback. Many swear by them, but others say it’s a waste of money and time. I said I’ve thought about doing it, but usually people find these Beta Readers in writing groups and they’re complete strangers. What if my reader is prejudice to my topic? What if they don’t know anything about the topic? What if they don’t read that genre or they’re lacking empathy for people with mental illness or addictions? Why would I solicit the advice of one or two total strangers and take their word on my work when it could be great and just not meant for them? I got a reply right away from what appeared to be a straight, white, Boomer, cis man saying “You worry too much.” I ended up deleting my comment, and his in the process, which I now feel was weak of me, but I didn’t wanna get ganged up on with other replies. I reminded myself the same thing as before; that I’m being gas-lit by people trying to invalidate me. What the fuck does an older straight, cis, white man have to worry about when giving their book to someone to read? Unless he went through a horrible sexual trauma, survived a suicide attempt, spent years in the psych ward, is talking about true crimes or war crimes, or has problems with his dick, there is almost no topic a straight, cis, white man can really be considered brave for writing about. There may be a few other topics, I’m sure, and I’m not saying they can’t be brave for other reasons, but to “bravely” write about a topic, I think there are limits for straight, cis, white men. Most of what they write will be read by people who’ve grown up in a society where the straight, cis, white male perspective is the norm and not to be questioned the way people would question me for what I dared to share in my books. Being told I worry too much is invalidating of the many reasons I have to worry and he more than likely does not. For me to hand my life story to a complete stranger on the internet in 2021, and say “be totally honest and tell me everything you think needs work” would be setting myself up for possible disaster, inviting the wrong kind of person to unleash their hate on me after learning everything about me.
I was just trying to offer a perspective as to why I agreed with many who said it was a waste of time and money. I mean, unless I got someone who I know is not transphobic, is politically left, doesn’t hate people based on past mistakes, etc. My book isn’t for everyone, and I don’t even want the opinions of the average reader. It is hard for me to take criticism of any sort though, and sometimes it pisses me off at first and then pushes me to come back harder. That’s the only way to properly use criticism, but I find that if it comes from a stranger whose opinion was not asked for, and it invalidates what I already created in any way, I’m not gonna listen, regardless. I know I have more to learn, but it doesn’t mean that what I created so far is wrong or bad just because some random dude doesn’t like it.
Speaking of all this, part of me was glad to hear the woman next door singing today. She didn’t sing yesterday and I was worried I made her feel like she couldn’t sing, ever, but she sang today for a shorter time and with her windows closed. I could still hear, but she only did it for a few minutes. I would be okay with this. I’m not someone who has no empathy. I’m a musician myself and sometimes it can be a little loud. I’ve also completely blasted my music late at night and had the cops called on me many years ago, but I’m mindful now of the volume and when I practice, it’s just for about 15 minutes a day every few days…. of course I know I need more practice than that, but 1. I have a million other projects, and 2. I sacrifice it sometimes for the sake of my neighbors, and this woman has spent the last 3 years, including the entire pandemic, making high pitched opera sounds that are like nails on a chalkboard for five hours a day sometimes, every fucking day while standing on her porch with windows open, just a few feet from all our windows on this side of the building. It’s been terrible and needed to be stopped at almost any cost, but I was a little relieved to hear her sing again, as well as the fact that she was more mindful about it this time…but I was glad I didn’t break her spirit completely. She is brave and continuing on.
Here is a picture of a graffiti sticker I bravely stuck over some racist graffiti I found last month. I was happily surprised to find it still there…
Today was a struggle and I don’t remember much of what I did yesterday except that I probably did a million things. I’ve been pretty busy and that’s basically been good for me but the lady next door who sings opera noises every day was going on for five hours, and it was piercing my ears and driving me mad because it woke me up and I couldn’t sleep. I got out of bed and immediately checked my email and social media to find a lot of junk mail, no news from any agents, and a reply to a post I made about my book and book cover in an author’s group in which I didn’t ask for opinions, but someone said “You’ll get more clicks with a professional cover.” I felt shot down, and started to doubt my cover, which does have a few flaws. When I shared it on my page last week, some of my friends said they loved it, including some who I know would buy the book regardless of the cover, and they are my friends, so were they to be trusted to be honest? Some part of me thought they were, because I decided to post my cover in a memoir group and a group for trans men over 40 and asked them if they’d be interested in a book with this cover, and right away, two people in each group said no. One said it was unprofessional, two said it was too busy, and one person said no, because he wouldn’t know what the book was about from the cover; as if any book cover really explains a story! I felt shot down and immediately took down my post in both groups because the opera woman was still shrieking and I wasn’t in the mood for any more negative comments. My cat came up on the couch next to me and started crying non-stop. I shoved her off the couch and my rage was growing as the opera woman had been practicing since noon and it was after five. The noises kept getting worse and worse, and I could see her in the house right next to us in the room with all the windows open. I finally snapped and ran to the window. Part of me didn’t wanna destroy her spirit, but most of me just wanted the noise to stop. I have PTSD and it’s literally caused me to punch walls and break things. Just as I was about to scream “Would you shut the fuck up? You suck!” the guy downstairs from me literally yelled out seconds before me “Is that you who’s doing all that singing? You’re terrible!” and I chimed in “you should really get some sound proofing or something because I have PTSD and the noises are driving me into a rage every day!” She apologized and said she’d shut the windows, but I can hear her all winter when both our windows are shut. I dunno if it’ll make a difference but she’s been driving me mad for years now. Every Spring, I used to look forward to opening all the windows, but now I have to keep them closed to drown out as much as it allows. I don’t wanna crush her spirit, but I’ve honestly had violent thoughts, not that I’d act on them. I’m not a violent person, but the fact that I even fantasize about it makes me feel awful about myself and is toxic for me to have that kind of rage, so it’s about time she had a rude awakening as to how bad it is for the rest of us. There are all kinds of musicians in my building who do all make noise, but hers goes on for hours and it’s so high pitched it feels like nails on a chalkboard.
Anyway, I’ve been busy editing the book some more and I think I’m gonna keep the cover I made. I may take one more stab at designing the same basic thing, but if it doesn’t look better, I’ll keep the one I have now, which was my second attempt after the first didn’t feel professional to me at all. The second one didn’t feel like it was that bad though. I liked it and was bummed others didn’t, but I mean, I don’t know what their interests are or what kind of books they like or anything about them, and my art is an acquired taste. Like a lot of great art, sometimes people have to see it over and over before it starts to resonate with them. I thought the idea was cool, to show the flawed and rigged system through the claw machine, and pictures of me pre and post transition showing my gender journey over the years. I wrote a post on my own Facebook after being shut down, and my friends encouraged me to keep the cover unless I wanna change it, because it was my vision and it goes well with the book. One person also mentioned that I’m likely to mostly just get my fans to read it if I self publish, and so they’ll be the ones who will want it and love it, and while it may not exactly attract the masses, the people who most relate and most need the book will probably be drawn to my cover. So, it really just depends on if I get it published through an agent and publisher who may have other thoughts on it, but one of the things I like about self publishing is having the control to make my own covers and choose my release dates and stuff like that, which are part of the whole presentation for me, even if others don’t even recognize it. I really wanna release this new book on my birthday this year, which is the 20 year anniversary of 9/11. It’s to the degree that while I obviously wanna be professionally published, part of me hopes I get to do it all myself again since it was fun for me the first time around…but I’ll definitely take an agent and professional publishing if I can get it. It’s just not looking likely right now.
I have a Pride Sale going on at my Threadless Store for 15% off until the 23rd
That’s a couple of the items. You can get them here…
I got an idea for a new book that would be mostly fiction, although based on a true story about my cross country trip to see the Pope at World Youth Day in 1993. It would be called “Good Catholic Kids”, and would be sort of like a classic 90’s teen story about a queer kid with mental illness, coming of age type thing. Ideally, I envision this one as a film, but I think I wanna write it as a book, in hopes of it becoming a film, since a book is easier to get out into the world than a screenplay. Plus, I have a lot of details I wanna put into the story that would be hard to include in film, especially if it were low budget, so I’m gonna make it a book, but it was this photo I recently hung in my kitchen which gave me the idea to write the story. this was at World Youth Day in a desert in Colorado. We had to walk seven miles to get there and there was a sea of people, as far as the eye could see in every direction.
Last but not least, I got this awesome record this month to reward myself for all my hard work and stress and everything. It is an incredibly rare record and a miracle I found an unopened copy for a price I could afford (although was pretty much the only thing I could buy this month) but the CD version changed my life in the early 2000’s when it introduced me to the Boston underground hip hop scene which is the best out there.
I will leave you with a few favorite songs from the album… I highly recommend you try them, even if you don’t like hip hop, but especially if you like really great quality underground hip hop with “conscious” lyrics
It’s been a busy few days. There’s been some stress over the possibility of Out Of the Blue Gallery losing our space at The Armory, and so I’ve been posting about it and yesterday I wrote letters to the mayor and the art council in Somerville to urge them to take a look at the new gallery and the time and effort put into it. I also mentioned how OOTB has helped me as a disabled person who otherwise had no access to the art world, and how far I’ve come in the last few years because of the gallery.
Today was my parents’ 45th wedding anniversary. They also have the same birthday…
I’ve been trying to set things up for when I put out my next book, including making a new LinkedIn and Twitter account. You can find all of my links here…
I also made new business cards with my web site on them
I was gonna use this image, but it would have been too small…
I didn’t get out for a walk to take photos as I hoped, but here is a photo of my cute cat…
and a photo of the chair with the canvas that I’ve been staring at for weeks, trying to figure out what to do with it…
Of course, as usual, I forgot to take a picture of the old painting before I painted over it. It was basically just the background. I added the hand and arm today, as well as a few minor editions to the background.
I’m calling it “Holding Onto My World”
I also recently decided to try the free app Duolingo to learn Spanish in memory of my good friend Randy who I recently lost to suicide, and he was big into taking online classes for all kinds of stuff, including many languages.
I’ve been practicing the keyboard, eating healthy, put some of my records that I wanna show Koda into chronological order, I met with my mental health worker yesterday and played the Igor album by Tyler the Creator for her on the record player because it’s one of her favorite albums and it’s one of the many albums that sounds a lot better on vinyl. She wanted to know what the difference was between vinyl and just listening to an mp3, so I wanted to show her, and now she wants a record player of course, haha.
Last but not least, I got some much needed sleep today and wasn’t even too grumpy.
I’m grateful for my day… Here’s a random video from the early days of Youtube that is still the first video to pop up on my YouTube page because I need to edit it, but it’s cool…
There’s been some stress the last few days, but I’m trying not to let it get to me and I’m being as assertive as possible to get my needs met. There’s a skill in DBT to help with communication and getting your needs met and stuff. There are two sides with similar charts; “asking” for something, and “saying no” to something. On both sides, you evaluate what’s most important, getting your needs met, keeping the relationship good, or feeling a sense of self respect. Depending on what your biggest objective is, this can can change how you ask or say no. Like, if you need a favor from someone and you mention it and they sound unsure… if your objective with that person is to keep the relationship good, and you can find someone else to help you, then you decrease the intensity of asking, but if they are the only person who can help and it’s something you really need, then you increase the intensity of asking. There’s a lot more to it. It involves charts and acronyms and all sorts of stuff, and it takes a lot of practice, but learning to use it effectively can really improve your interpersonal relationships. I found myself using it a lot today, and am grateful for it because I’ve had some challenging moments with people and handled most of it a lot better than most people would have in my position. I was proud of myself, but at the same time, I feel a little guilty about “increasing the intensity of asking”; especially with my mental health worker. She’s the best though and I’m grateful. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by all I do in the world for almost nothing in return.
This is a painting I sold at an art show 3 years ago. Here’s a few other photos from that day…
Tom Tipton: Founder of Out Of the Blue art Gallery
I’ve been doing these shows with the gallery for a few years now. This was when it was located in a house in Medford. Now they’re at the Armory in Somerville, but they need help. You can read about that here…
Today could’ve been incredibly stressful. I won’t get into all the details, but often times, days like these wreck me, yet I chose to laugh about it and shrug it off today. Maybe my weekend away helped, maybe it was the “LA Confidential” weed strain which is good for Bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and pain. Maybe it was seeing my family or being showered with hugs now that my parents and I had our vaccines. Maybe it was a little sun and fresh air or the somewhat inspiring movie Nomadland that we watched. It was likely a combination of it all. I also found out I lost weight, I got to eat some good food, be social, got some help with my blog, and all kinds of good stuff. Today I got a book in the mail that I thought would be kind of like a how-to book about how to self publish a children’s book on Amazon, but it wasn’t quite as helpful as I was looking for it to be. I skimmed the whole thing, looking for the specific info I wanted, and it wasn’t in there, but he did have a few helpful suggestions. Honestly, I was a little turned off by the fact that even though he kept giving his wife credit for ideas, he kept saying “women are always right” which just rubbed me the wrong way because it reminded me of something my father would say to imply “I don’t actually think women are even close to always right, but my wife makes me feel like I have to say they are or we’ll argue about that too.” I didn’t enjoy that part, but I got a little bit of helpful advice, and one of those things was to make a YouTube channel to use for the books, and so I made a video of myself reading my favorite chapter from my first book, “The Godchild” and uploaded it to my YouTube… Here is that…
I trimmed my beard after I made the video. It was getting a little wild…
better
And here is an interview a blog called TZSBlog did with me awhile back about my Godchild trilogy…
1. Tell us about yourself:
My name is Jymi Cliche. I’m a 42 year old intersex trans man from Boston, Massachusetts in the US. I’m a newly self published author, an artist, photographer, poet, rapper, and human rights activist. I’m Bipolar with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and more than ten other psychiatric diagnoses. I spent twenty years of my life in and out of psych wards. I studied Psychology and Art in college and am still interested in both, as well as popular culture, especially music, but also books, movies, and TV, even though I’ve hardly had time to watch anything lately, or read for fun. I collect vinyl records and listen to music in some form all night while I work on my creative projects. I sleep during the day. I have a cat named Moo who’s been living with me for over fifteen years and I come from a large, close, chaotic family, many of whom live in the Boston area. My art is hanging at Out Of the Blue Gallery where I regularly do art shows and perform poetry and hip hop. I enjoy cooking new and old recipes and doing local Open Mics which have moved to Zoom during quarantine. I spend most of my time alone, which is what I usually prefer, although I do enjoy seeing friends and family and I text people or chat on Facebook, so it’s not like I don’t like people. I’m just somewhat agoraphobic and have severe social anxiety, so not having to go anywhere the last nine months has helped me be more productive. I love swimming at sunset, looking at the stars, enjoying live music, and dancing to shake the bad energy off my soul. I don’t do those things enough though.
2. How did you get into writing and publishing? Was this something you always wanted to do?
Yes, I’ve pretty much always wanted to be a writer. It’s been my goal since I was nine years old, and while I’ve written almost every day of my life, it took a long time before I was ready to write my books. Technically I wrote my first book when I was nine, but it wasn’t very good. I wrote another when I was eleven, and that was terrible too. Both were hand written and were pure childish fantasies, but I enjoyed the hell out of writing them, and I think that’s what was most important. I loved creating something. I had many ideas for books and screen-plays I wanted to write over the years, but they were fictional and I’d come up with a bunch of ideas but not know how to get started and make it work. When I began writing “The Godchild”, it was different. I went through some life changing and eye opening experiences in 2008 and 2010 and I knew since 2010 that I had an epic story to tell… my own. I knew that if I could just tell my story with all the details I could remember, that I’d have mind-blowing book. I started writing it in 2013 and finished a year or so later, but I wasn’t ready to publish. I was scared of the world reading something so personal, and honestly, I still am.
“The Godchild” gets off to a slow start because I didn’t even know where to begin, and I decided to start with where I was, at and go back and forth. It takes about the first third of the first book before the story fully gets going. The majority of the publishers I sent query letters to only wanted the first five to twenty pages, and I knew that even though I was sure the book got better and was worth reading, that they wouldn’t know that. I’m basically a nobody, at the bottom of society, so I expected to be rejected by most, and I was, even though many of the rejections were complimentary. I debated on whether to keep trying, but I wanted the whole trilogy to be released by July 2020, so I decided to self publish and I don’t regret it. It’s still selling and getting great reviews. I just wrote another book this past year which I’m hoping will get the attention of a publisher.
3. How was the writing, editing, and publishing process like for the first book?
It took seven years to write the trilogy, and part of that was because it was written as a journal. In the first book, I went back and forth from current day and into the past to tell the story of my life, so it only took about a year, but the following two books were both about the current day as I wrote them, so I had to actually live my life to find out what was going to happen, and I had to wait until enough happened to make it worth writing down. It was kind of a trip though, because everything that happened was perfect for the story. The books just wrote themselves. Of course, as I was writing my third book, I had extreme anxiety. I had faith that the universe would give me the perfect, epic ending for my trilogy, but I had no idea what that would be. I drove myself crazy with fear about the end of my trilogy coming. Was it the end of my life? The end of the world? I started to fall apart again like I had before I wrote the first two books, but it ended up bringing the trilogy full circle, providing the perfect ending as I had faith it would.
4. How has writing and being an author helped you as a person?
As a person who lived most of my life as a professional lab rat with different psychiatric treatments and medications tested on me since 1993, in and out of psych wards for 20 years, and the last decade slowly recovering after being broken, it’s nice to feel like I did something big and important, and that I count. I’m grateful that my story is being told and heard, and that people get it. It’s given me the ability to say that I’ve got a job and show people that I’m not lazy or stupid or whatever they think when they hear I have mental illness. I didn’t waste my life. It may have been far from conventional, but that’s what makes it such a great story. I have far less shame about existing and sometimes needing help than I once did now that I’ve put out my books. I hope the books will help heal the world, but I’m grateful that they started to heal me first.
5. What advice would you like to give to aspiring authors?
Just write… and live. Don’t compare, just create.
6. How long does it usually take to write a book?
It depends on what kind of book. The book I wrote this past year only took about six months for about three hundred pages.
7. Out of the five books that you have published so far, which is that one book that holds a very special place in your heart?
If I had to pick just one of the five, it would be the first book of “The Godchild” trilogy. It works alone as just one book, where you can’t really pick up part 2 or part 3 and just read those without having read the first one. It was originally going to stand alone, but I realized I had more I needed to say and life provided me all kinds of new material, but the first book of the series is probably the one that means the most to me.
8. What is your favorite place to read and write?
As much as I’d love to sit out on a deck overlooking the ocean or something perfect like that with fresh air and the sound of crashing waves, I do my writing wherever I may be. My books were all mostly written on a laptop computer, facing a corner wall on an extremely messy desk with music playing and my cat staring at me. Similarly, I will read wherever, but last year I found a green leather chair and ottoman tossed out in the trash, so I took it and put it in my bedroom, which is where I like to read before bed when I get a chance.
9. What kind of books do you like to read?
I like a variety of stuff, but memoir is probably my favorite genre.
10. What are you currently reading?
“On Writing” by Stephen King
11. If you could recommend only one book to anyone which book would that be?
The DSM-5. That’s the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for mental disorders currently being used to diagnose mental illness in the US and other parts of the world. I think people would be surprised how many descriptions they relate to and maybe question what “crazy” even means anyway.
12. Are there any upcoming launches that you can share with us?
I’m getting ready to publish my next book, hopefully in September of this year, and then my first children’s book around the winter holidays. I’m also doing a photography and art show about my mental illness from May-June at The Armory in Somerville MA.
13. Do you have any message that you want to convey through this interview?
The world is struggling right now and these are some uncertain times. Almost everyone is questioning their sanity from time to time, and I hope that my story will bring comfort to those who are. It’s an inspiring story of survival and it’s my honest guts and tears. I put myself out there to help others feel less alone.
I’ve had a busy day today. I woke up at my parents’ house, showered, packed, ate a bagel, and drove an hour drive home. The drive wasn’t bad at all. Now that I take an exit to avoid part of the highway that I don’t like, and I know the exit numbers have changed, at 3PM on a Spring day there’s no traffic or blinding sun, and there was no rain like I’d anticipated. It was just a beautiful Spring drive.
When I got home, I comforted my cat right away. She’s an anxious cat who needs to constantly be comforted and she has a hard time when I leave her but I was only away from her for one full day. Still, she’s howling like crazy in the other room as I write, but I’ve given her some food and attention… maybe not enough…
I got some popcorn teriyaki chicken for dinner, talked to my mental health worker and my boyfriend, and I re-did the cover for my upcoming memoir while waiting for my weed. I’d made one yesterday, but I felt like I could do better. I definitely think I improved it a little bit, even though it’s the same basic idea.
I liked this idea of a claw machine representing a very flawed and rigged system, pulling my androgynous baby picture out of a pile of photos of me from various stages of my life. They are the same photos I used in the one I made yesterday, but I added the 8th grade, big hair photo, since 8th grade is an important part of the book and it’s probably the furthest from my true self that I ever was. I also changed some of the details of the person I drew, who is supposed to represent a young soldier.
As soon as I finished, my medicine came…
This is one of my favorite strains. LA Confidential. It’s recommended by Snoop. You can read about it here…
I took out the trash and took a couple photos of the clouds…
I’ve been listening to music, took a bath with my new soap, smoked a little bit of my new weed, and I sent out a few more queries. I got another encouraging rejection today, and this one included a link to a web site kind of like the other two I’ve been looking for people through, but this one has a bunch more people I haven’t tried yet, so I researched four of them who were looking for memoirs and sent them each what they wanted, which were all different. It was hard work as usual, but maybe it’ll pay off. I feel like maybe I’m giving up too early. Now that I’m editing again and fixing a lot and am halfway through, I feel like it’s worth trying some new people. If I was close with a few like they’ve said, maybe this extra edit will be enough. I thought I was out of people, and I haven’t heard back from them all yet, but I don’t know what to expect. I only know what happened last time. This book is stronger in most ways. I do believe in it. Even if I self publish, I think this one might get read more and a little more buzz. I can only hope it reaches the people I’m meant to help with it.
I listened to Big L in my car on the way home. He was a brilliant artist. Some of his lyrics are potentially offensive if they didn’t make for such beautiful poetry.
I saw my family for Mother’s Day today. We hung out for several hours preparing food, eating, talking, sharing photos of pets, etc. My sister helped me figure out how to add tags to my blog posts, but we still haven’t figured out how to use it as a regular blog to follow other bloggers. I may not be able to, but we will see. Both my sisters helped me create a linktree account though, and that should help point people in the right direction as well. I can put it on my Instagram as my main link, so I don’t have to constantly switch the links depending which page I’m promoting in my post…
You can click there to see it if you want. It’s not especially exciting, but I am kind of excited about it, as it is a helpful tool.
The other thing I’m most excited about today is that I created a cover for my upcoming memoir. I’m gonna try to redo it with some different colors and hopefully a better drawing of the person at the machine, but I got this idea the other night and was excited that I was able to make it work, even if I have to do it over to make it a little better, I think it’s kinda cool…
“I Write the System To Fight the System So I Might Right the System”… coming out around the 20th anniversary of 9/11 if I self publish.
What else? I don’t really know. I gotta get back to the usual life later today, but it was nice to get a break.
I just saw Nomadland tonight. It won Best Picture this year and starred one of my top 5 favorite actors, Francis McDormand. The director was the first woman of color to ever win. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it, because I knew it would be somewhat depressing, and I heard it was slow, but it kept my attention with so many brilliant details about the unique people in the world we meet day to day.
While a few scenes led me to tears and there was an overall sadness to the situation everyone was in, as most people don’t become nomads if life is going great, there was a positivity to it as well… real people, just doing their best with whatever they can get their hands on, and surviving. I have friends who live this way. I talk to them when they have internet access, but they live in vans in little communities and it’s a real kind of life. The movie sort of reminded me of the 2014 Oren Moverman film “Time Out Of Mind”, starring Richard Gere as a homeless man in New York City. Ben Vereen was also in that, as was my friend Billy Hough, who played a street performer and his song rolled over the credits. “Time Out Of Mind” was a lot more depressing though. There was not much hope in that film at all, yet it was extremely realistic to the life of being a homeless addict in the city. There is one scene in “Time Out Of Mind”, which I would say is kind of the climax of a very slow film, where Ben Vereen, who played a homeless friend of Richard Gere’s character, tells Richard Gere’s character a story while they are out for a walk, discussing what it’s like to be homeless and invisible. Ben’s character tells him that he had a friend who he met on the street, and they were out drinking in the winter and his friend peed himself. Vereen’s character said he helped his friend change into some other pants so he wouldn’t freeze, and he was helping him take off his boots, to find that his homeless friend who just wet himself had several checks made out to him for hundreds of dollars each, tucked into his boots. Vereen’s character said he asked his friend “Why don’t you cash these? Get an apartment! Why are you on the street?” and his friend replied with something like “I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve it.” The story was sort of a peak in the movie, bringing it all together, and that story is actually a true story of someone both Billy and I once knew, who was homeless for a long time. The guy who had the checks stashed into his boots and who told our friend that he didn’t deserve the money actually killed himself the day after our friend found the checks. That part wasn’t mentioned in the film, yet that movie was a lot slower and more depressing than Nomadland. The characters in Nomadland were brilliant glimpses of real people who all still seemed to have a spark left inside them, even if depressed. My friend informed me tonight that many of the characters were played by the actual people they were based on, and I think that definitely added something powerful to the film, because they did seem a lot more real than Hollywood actors usually do.
The relationship between Francis McDormand’s character and her sister in the movie reminded me a bit of my relationship with my sisters and the sadness and guilt I have for going crazy and doing that to all of us in some sense. I also related to the part about how we end up seeing people we lose down the road; maybe months later, maybe years, maybe in different lifetimes, but we always catch up with the people we’ve met and who enter our hearts. It made me think about my mental health worker and how she’s leaving, and I’m still so sad about that, but I’ve lost touch with others who have come back into my life after a few years. Sometimes it takes 25 years before someone is meant to come back, sometimes more than that, but they do. My papa has came back to me after his death… my nana too actually, and some of my friends who died as well. They just leave me little messages in some way or another, and they’re always out there somewhere, to meet again. Everyone we meet is. It’s part of how the universe operates.
There was also something in Nomadland about a woman who was dying. She hoped that people would remember her. It made me think of what it’s like to die when you don’t have anyone to remember you. I think to some degree, being remembered is hugely important to me. It made me think about how I’ve published my trilogy, and soon an autobiography about my life, and how once I do so, it’s out there in the world, for people to read and to remember me and my story. That made me feel good. Obviously I hope I’ll get more readers for this next book, and I know that’s gonna be hard to do since it’s not my debut. A lot of my potential fans have already given up on me since my trilogy didn’t blow up and this next book is struggling to find representation as well. I do feel fairly confident that people will see improvements in the writing and story telling, but will it be enough to get me to the next level of being able to do it for a living? I don’t know. Either way, it will be read, and it will be around, probably long after I die, and that’s kinda awesome and helps me feel better about those fears.
I would give Nomadland a solid A rating. I might not re-watch it many times, but definitely worth seeing.
