I got some bad news today that I kind of saw coming, even though it might not be as bad as I thought, it might be. My favorite mental health worker is leaving her position and moving to a different position on the same team. It may end up being that nothing much changes between us, but it might mean that we won’t be working together anymore. I’ve sort of been waiting on this news and somewhat prepared to hate her for hurting me if she went about it the way others have, after we’ve become so close. I went through several workers in a few short years, and one worker who left around this time five years ago who absolutely broke my heart because she promised to keep in touch, but didn’t. It was a messy thing though, I won’t lie. It was partly her fault for all the boundaries she was breaking at a time when I was extremely lonely and broken, and I thought she cared about me and maybe even liked me in a romantic way. Obviously that was where things were partly mine to blame, although I never did anything inappropriate, but I think she knew how I felt and I honestly thought she felt the same, because of how close she got to me… but that was 5 years ago, and I went through several workers since her and tried so hard not to allow myself to fall for one ever again. And I’m not in love with my worker who’s leaving now. I don’t feel romantic feelings towards her and I know she doesn’t for me, but I still kind of love her as a person in a way that one would grow to love anyone who helped them so much in 3 years time, nevermind a person like her, who I clicked with immediately in our first phone call. I knew after our first 15 minute conversation that this day was going to come and it was gonna feel like hell, and I’ve been sobbing all day. I don’t know what’ll come of it though and I know the last thing she wants to do is hurt me or even leave me. She is fighting to keep me, so I appreciate that and don’t hate her, but I’m feeling a lot of sadness. When we first met, I was stepping out into the world for the first time as an adult, just about to turn forty years old after a life of being broken, and I was doing great, but within just a couple months of us meeting, I fell into a deep psychosis that lasted months. I was on bed-rest, completely miserable, and we texted every day and she came to see me every week. She was the first, and still the only one of my workers to read my first book in its entirety, and she was the one to encourage me to publish it, which was something I severely feared for far too long. She helped me through 7 months of feeling so fucking terrible that I was almost ready to give up, but she encouraged me every day and she loved my art and my songs and let me practice in front of her. I could tell that she was honestly impressed by me and that I made her job more enjoyable and worth doing, to see me recover and publish my books and perform and show my art. It made me feel good to have someone in the system that actually believed in me and who saw the artist I was and thought the world would wanna know me too. She helped me believe in myself and helped me survive one of the most difficult times of my life. I’d just achieved so much of what I always wanted after a life of being broken, and doing so broke me again, and it looked like I might lose it all, but I came back even harder and I have her to thank, but I don’t know if I’m losing her and I don’t know how to feel about it, except sad that this is how it always seems to be. I still think about Stacey and Elisa, Celie, Miss K, Robin, Michelle, Joanne, Leah, Caitlin, Leslie, Ana, Pat, etc. There are so many people who once saved me and meant the world to me as teachers and therapists that I’ve lost and my heartbreak is real. I miss them terribly. I hate that I’m forced to let go of so many great people. I felt like when she left, I was gonna tell her to fuck off, and that I’d hate her and even possibly quit therapy, because I can’t keep taking this kind of loss… but maybe she’ll be one of the ones to stick by me, as I do also have a list of people who once meant the world to me and are still in my life in a different way. They still mean a lot to me, but since they’re no longer employed to work for me, I have good boundaries and they’ve become like other friends in my life who I just talk to once in awhile. It still means a lot that they’re out there and part of my world. I hope she’ll remain in my world because she’s an awesome person who I’ll always have love for. It’s hard to think about getting to know someone else, and I’m sad and hurt but I’ll be okay.
I decided that for a little food therapy, I’d try the macaroni and cheese pizza from Za. There are two pizza places in my town that put pasta on pizza, and I thought it sounded like too much carbs and not particularly appealing, but some people love it and the one at Za has caramelized onions, which I also like, so I thought I’d try it. I mean, I do like macaroni and cheese and pizza.
It was good, but I probably won’t get it again. They have a great chicken and veggie pizza I like there too. Just as good, and probably a lot healthier, but this was fun to try.
As for the good news, my mom got her blood-work back today and she’s still cancer-free for 5 years now! That is definitely happy news! And while it’s not looking great for my memoir being published, I haven’t heard from everyone yet, and even if I self publish again, it has a chance to succeed if the right people read it. I know the writing is better than The Godchild books and it’s getting even better as I do more edits. The big craft fair at my mental health center will be a perfect place to sell the book along with some stickers and prints and stuff. Life is okay. I’m grateful for getting through it.
