Category: Uncategorized

I’m feeling grateful for my day. It’s been somewhat relaxing. I got a few chores done, took a walk, played keyboard, finished day 11 of meditation, and got takeout from Comella’s which I haven’t had since there was one down the street years ago with $5 pizzas that my old friend used to get us on his way over. That was one of our better memories which there were many, but overall I don’t miss the stress of our relationship. Meditation is leading to me having a lot of random vivid memories that I forgot about, including stuff about my time with my Nana who died 4 years ago. I had memories of grocery shopping with her and my mom at Demoulas at the Woburn mall, shoe shopping somewhere I couldn’t even tell you where, as well as her pink upstairs bathroom and all of her old house really; plus visions of her watching us play in the driveway from the kitchen window. I also had memories of some AA dances I went to in my early 20’s when I was in AA and was struggling with that. Most of them were gay dances, because I was in Gay AA once I had come out and realized there was such a thing, but it was pre-transition. There were memories of us all at Bickfords too (the gay AA crew) I don’t know what these memories have come up for exactly and I’m curious what else is going to leak out of my brain as I continue to meditate, but so far I’m finding it, along with listing my gratitudes and achievements every day, helpful in taking away the rage, so I’m especially grateful for that.

I just found a seed in my weed. That’s rare these days, but on the off chance that I found them over the last few years, I used to give them to my ex-boyfriend who no longer smokes weed and hasn’t in over a year, and honestly, even though I say I broke up with him because of how he often made me feel shitty about myself, I wasn’t great for him either, and one of those ways in which I was not ideal was because I smoke weed every day and his doing so got too much in the way of his life. For me, it helps me, and I don’t think he realizes how sick I was BEFORE the weed. He thinks I could be doing so much more without it, but I’ve accomplished more on weed than ever in the rest of my life, in part because it keeps me from being suicidal, and personally, I vote for anything that keeps me from being suicidal. I was suicidal for twenty years, every fucking day, and nobody who knew me then wants me to be that person again. But, on the contrary, my ex is better WITHOUT weed, and so a big part of why I didn’t see him for over a year, besides Quarantine was that it’s probably too triggering for him to be around it in a place that was a safe space to smoke. I know I had that issue with a number of my friends…they were unable to stop by here without smoking weed even if I offered to not smoke it when they were here. If they even came here in the first place, it sort of meant some part of them knew they’d smoke, and while weed wasn’t a huge issue for them, it led some back to other drugs or they were on probation and not supposed to smoke, but if they asked me to smoke and I ask them if they are sure that’s what they wanted to do, I was also not one to refuse it to them. They are adults and have their reasons. If they asked me ahead of time to refuse them if they were to ever ask, that would be different, but they did not. Unfortunately this doesn’t make me the most ideal relationship partner for people in addiction recovery. I consider myself to be in recovery, and I AM an addict. I’m addicted to weed at the moment, plus diet coke, electrolytes, vitamin D, and low doses of seroquel for sleep. If I can’t function well without regular use of a medicine or chemical, then I consider myself addicted. I used to be addicted to alcohol but now I drink on rare occasion, most recently was just this past Friday night, which could be why I was thinking of AA. I always have to keep an eye on my alcohol and klonopin use. I’m prescribed klonopin but only a very low dose that I rarely ever take, but since they’re so addictive, I try to keep an eye on it. I don’t consider myself addicted to it, nor alcohol anymore. Ever since 2008 when I lived through the shit I lived through, I haven’t wanted to wreck myself with alcohol or any other drugs besides weed, which I don’t wreck myself with at all, other than my lungs a little, but I quit a two pack a day nicotine habit and I haven’t done hard drugs in over a decade, other than klonopin, which is my medicine. I did actually abuse that twice this past year when I got triggered by writing and then editing my new book and the chapters about how I got into drinking and drugs at such a young age, but I have not continued to take or abuse it so I should be okay. I came quite close to the edge a few years ago when my doctor gave me cough syrup with codeine and I had to dump it after just two days, even though my cough wasn’t better. I really think opiates are the devil in a lot of ways, although I also know friends who truly need them for pain, and with my own arthritis issues that are so bad already at only 42 years old, I worry about if and when they day comes where weed isn’t enough anymore, but for the moment, weed is a miracle to me.

I have very little experience with psychedelics, although it was enough to push me over the edge. I may not have gone crazy without having used them, but since I think going crazy was part of the plan for me and my place in the Universe, I don’t really regret it either, but I also don’t love dealing with psychosis and definitely don’t wanna make it worse, so I steer clear of psychedelics entirely now, and while I think they can be very positive for people, I worry about their abuse because I think a lot of Q Anon people and people who fall for conspiracy theories go hand in hand with people who take a lot of psychedelics. They certainly can be used in a good way but they can be abused like any other drug, and I didn’t even abuse them. I took Salvia twice, and the first time was enough to wreck me for life. I took shrooms once, but I was on an anti-psychotic med at the time called Abilify (you probably saw their crazy ads) and the shrooms had absolutely no effect on me because of the Abilify. My friend who had done shrooms hundreds of times tripped balls on his half, but the only effect on me was my dilated pupils.

And since I mentioned dilated pupils, I will leave you with music by a great hip hop group of a similar name, Dilated Peoples.

It’s been a few days since I last wrote. I’ve been doing more cleaning and keeping busy with all sorts of shit. I think I slept late Thursday and really took advantage of the fact that I was done with everything I needed to do before my party. I may have queried 3 agents that day, and I practiced my songs for the party and got outside to take out the trash, but it was all fairly stress free. The ten days of mediation so far seem to be helping as well.

I got a text from my newly ex-boyfriend telling me that he’s doing a lot of work on himself and that he’s vegan again. His food issues, along with him constantly telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat, plus making other kinds of comments implying that he thought I was too fat, was the main part of what led me to end things between us, so I didn’t really give a shit to hear that he’s vegan again. What I was unable to face, but was in the back of my mind all through our relationship was that he had a lot of issues he was keeping from me and when they would inevitably come up in some form, like when he was drinking and didn’t realize he was oversharing, they were things that scared me off a LOT, but I try not to judge people. We all have our issues and things we do that aren’t so great, but the fact that I let so much scary shit slide out of wanting to be respectful to him, but he still had the balls to tell me he thought I was too fat and that he didn’t like most of my art or music, I should have left a long time ago. I guess it wasn’t as big of a priority since we only saw eachother about once a month before Covid, and not once since, so it wasn’t like it was eating me up all the time, but more often than not, when we were together or had a conversation, it went poorly in some way, and I probably should have seen it, but being poly-amorous now, at least I still had someone else the whole time who was treating me the way I deserved to be treated, and I hope I am giving as much back. I think I am, and I knew I really wasn’t giving much of myself with the recent ex, but he’d earned my lack of enthusiasm… like, he let me down so many times, I wasn’t gonna keep giving so much of myself for someone who had proven their inability to even keep our important plans.

On a similar note, I’m an understanding person, and I have to cancel plans all the time, so I’m never mad at anyone if they have to cancel on me now and then, so I wasn’t mad at anyone who cancelled on me for my Open Mic/Art Show/Spring Zoom Party, but that is one of the hardest things about throwing an event, is having all sorts of people tell you they’ll be there and then at the last minute, eight of the performers cancel ten minutes before the party starts, leaving three performers and maybe an artist or two. I was really struggling as it was. I was afraid I was gonna go on a crazy rant about my friend who was just driven to suicide by the Catholic Church/Mafia/local corrupt politicians because of information he has…and while it may be true, it would only make everyone super uncomfortable and/or paranoid/triggered to hear about it, so I didn’t wanna go there (and thankfully, I didn’t), but I almost burst into tears five minutes before I started the Zoom and had to hold it all together. I ended up having a drink to calm down, which helped, but I was a little hyped up because of it and I got the show started as fast as I could. My two first performers weren’t there, so I had to ask for a volunteer. My friend in Australia went first and did an Australian Country song. I went after him and did an original rap, then a cover of Clint Eastwood by the Gorrillaz, then one of my local friends shared photography, another local friend shared art, my friend in NY did an Amy Winehouse cover and a Patti Smith cover, then a local poet read a poem, and I did one more original rap song. It was only about an hour and a half long, but that’s all I was up for. It was still cool though. There were friends from about 7 different states, plus Australia and lots of awesome people I love, so it was fun.

That was my photo from tonight. I also too a couple pictures of the cat, of course, my best buddy…

With 4/20 coming up, I have plans to eat a brownie, smoke some good strains, and listen to weed related records.

This is what I just got tonight. It’s called Grape Soda

It’s definitely a dark purple bud. I really like it. It has a good taste and smoke, it’s cool looking, and soft, has a calming effect, and not too strong of a medicated feeling.

This is the other one I have… it’s called Alien Bubba. It’s great, but very strong.

That’s about it. I have my mental health worker coming in the afternoon and she’s gonna help me bring my photos out to the car to bring to the gallery on Monday. I’m hoping someone can help me bring them into the gallery from my car because it’s a bit too much for me to do on my own. I don’t wanna ask for too much, but seeing as I have such severe pain issues. I’ve been getting a lot stronger too though. Part of me is always in soldier mode, and especially right now, after my friend’s death, I can’t help but wanna make sure I’m able to defend myself… no with guns, because I hope to never resort to those, but I wanna be able to fight back if someone is trying to hurt me. I’ve been doing my hand weights again and I’m doing great with my diet as well. I’ve lost a lot of weight this year, like 50 pounds out of the 60 it took 2 years to gain, and it’s only been the last 6 months or so that I’ve been dieting, so my goal is to end up even thinner than my lowest weight a couple years ago, which was he lowest in over a decade. I am only about 8-10 pounds above it now, so it’s a reasonable goal.

I will leave you with a song… RIP Black Rob. He died today and I love this song. I know it from the Slam Soundtrack, which saved my life

and here is an old video by Jim Henson that helped me understand music…

what do i have except a mission

that won’t come to fruition

til i’m put in a position to be blissin’?

so listen here,

to all my fears

and open your ears to the beat.

i’ve seen defeat beneath my feet.

i’m the concrete that defeats your deceit.

you can flee or be on fleek

but you’ll never know what it’s like to leak heat…

to be seated at the throne of hell

and thrown on the ward North Bel,

and broken

catatonic, catatonic

drink your tonic and your gin

it’s all a sin

catatonic catatonic

you’re on that shit

so let’s begin again.

i am not gonna stop telling my story until you really fucking hear me…

hear ye here ye,

we have glee of gold

while the universe unfolds our souls.

i’m just another non-binary trans man

feeling undersold while getting old.

so put your hate on hold

and tell me the story of you.

was it true blue or made of the blues?

could i walk a mile in your shoes?

do you know why fools fall in love?

will i ever be free?

the last question is a priority to me.

or is it?

who could throw a fit better than me?

if you wanna go far and travel to the next star

and not have the limitation of cars,

then be truly bizarre!

take out your inner freak

and let them speak.

the beak is back

and it’s under attack

but my shit is only wack

when your shit lacks.

so how about that?

It’s been four or five days since I last wrote. I’m still enjoying my new keyboard and play it about 20 minutes every other day or so, which isn’t a ton, but it’s still enough that I can see myself making minor improvements.

Tonight will be eight days of doing the 23 minute body-scan guided meditation I’m hoping to do for 56 days straight. I’m already starting to feel better. I haven’t been in a rage since I last wrote, and I’m handling stress with a little more ease. I’ve also tried to set a goal or intention and plant it in my heart… something I want more than anything, or things I wanna see unfold. I place those ideas in my mind and try to give them some light and yesterday I received a couple of truly kind and encouraging rejection letters. While rejection is not the goal, it’s hard to read something like this and not see the good in it… at least for me, as I try to see as many sides to everything as I can…

There was more to the letter in the beginning about how they were sorry to say that the market is more selective as ever and they have to keep a modest list, which is what a lot of them say. They went on to say my stories were “heartfelt, engaging, and need to be told” and gave me some advice on picking an overarching takeaway based on the 50 pages they read. It was actually too long to screenshot the whole thing, but this was the best part, so I thought I’d share.

I’ve just been doing what I can to get through shit. I’m cleaning the apartment more, cooking, writing queries, doing art, getting artist statements ready for the upcoming show, getting outside here and there, and reading “On Writing” by Stephen King. I haven’t watched any TV or movies lately, although I bought a fan edition of Empire Records the other day because it was “Rex Manning Day” (a holiday for nerdy Empire Records fans) and I was telling Koda about it. He has never seen it but said it sounded good, and from what I know of his taste in movies, he is actually quite picky, but Empire Records seems like it would be perfect for him, so for five bucks I had to grab it for when he comes this summer.

I did a new drawing called “Brick Tales”… it’s million dollars or best offer. (;

I made collages with some of the art I’ve done in the last few months… mostly all in 2021…

I have my big Open Mic/Art Show Zoom Party this Friday night and it’s looking like it will be a success and get as many people as the other two I did this past year, which were an average of 30 people.

I have to practice my songs in a minute.

Speaking of music, I’ve been listening to lots as usual. I’m getting a playlist ready for 4/20. I’m gonna eat a brownie, smoke, and listen to weed related albums all day. Nothing like high standards. No pun intended, yet there it is.

One of the records I got recently was the new Common album, “A Beautiful Revolution, Part 1” with Black Thought of The Roots, Chuck D of Public Enemy, Lenny Kravitz, and Stevie Wonder. Common was one of the most important hip hop artist for me early on who showed me hip hop could be truly beautiful, like any other great music genre, but this is his best in a while. I highly recommend it.

Here it is.. the whole thing as a performance video. Damn. I’m gonna have to watch this too…

And that is where I leave you for now. I am extremely grateful for getting through these hard times and I’m still thinking of my friend Randy and missing him. I’m also trying not to think about it too much because I get worked up talking and writing about it, so I’m mostly not doing too much of that either.

Peace

Last time I wrote, I was having a difficult weekend. I’ve been dealing with severe PTSD triggers and a lot of anger, stress, and extreme anxiety. I was beginning to take control by making gratitude lists every day, and I continue to do so. It definitely helps.

Unfortunately, about an hour after I posted my last blog, I learned that my good friend took his life in February. We didn’t have many friends in common and nothing was ever announced through his page, but when I went to his page, wondering why I hadn’t seen anything from him in a while, I saw that he’d died of suicide, and even more than that, he was driven to it by someone who was trying to get him to kill himself because of information he had that they didn’t want coming out… and there’s more to it than that. The back story is in my trilogy. I can’t help but feel I’m in danger as well, and this week has been rough. The truth is, I never feel truly safe. I’ve never known what it feels like to feel safe… and that in itself explains a lot about me, but more so about my complex situation, and my friend who just killed himself was going through something quite similar. We were both caught in the middle of a political war with corrupt government, church, hospitals, and so on. He was a survivor like me, but he was targeted so badly that he ended up taking his life, and I feel sick about it.

I decided that I was better off just keepin’ on keepin’ on than to overthink it. I cooked myself a whole chicken on Easter, with garlic, butter, white wine, lemon juice, parsley, salt and pepper, and oregano, along with a zucchini casserole with tomatoes, green chilies, and cheddar cheese, plus mashed potatoes and gravy. It was a nice treat. I’d gone to my parents’ the weekend before and we had an early Easter just the 3 of us, but I was alone on actual Easter Day, except for a visit from my mental health worker who helped me with dishes and bringing a big box out to the trash. I was grateful for the help and for the delicious food… I was also grateful to myself for taking the effort to celebrate Easter, even by myself.

I struggled through the week with severe anger and other PTSD issues and decided further action was needed beyond the gratitude lists, which WERE helping, but I knew that Thursday was gonna be a major challenge. I had to wake up at noon when I usually don’t wake up until 3 to 6 PM and then drive myself in my tired state to the mental health center a half hour away (and I have severe driving anxiety), then I had to put on a mask, which I struggle with due to hospital staff trying to kill/suffocate me with towels over my face when they beat me senseless years ago. I had to wear the mask into a crowded building full of mental patients with boundary issues all over the place (which is also extremely stressful), and then get this injection that I don’t know if I fully trust, and wait around at the center with the other mental patients for 15 minutes until I got the okay to drive home. I knew this would be a challenge for me the way I was feeling. I was feeling like any little thing might set me off, and that I’d lose control and the cops would be called and I’d be killed, or at the very least, locked up for a long, long time until I broke completely. I’m always in fear of that possibility, especially when I have to leave the house when I’m not feeling up to it. It was the date of my second vaccine though. I had to go even though I was scared of losing control.

I decided to try a guided meditation from the Insight Timer app. I found one that was 23 minutes long and it says if I do it every day for 56 days straight, it will re-wire my brain, so that it’s healthy and restored in all kinds of ways. I decided I’m gonna attempt the challenge. I’d only done it once on Thursday morning before going to bed the morning before my afternoon vaccine appointment. When I got there, I was in a room with three people ahead of me, all getting their vaccines, and the nurse asked each of them nicely “Do you need a verification card?” and they all said yes because they weren’t given out the first time. When it was my turn I said “I need a verification card too” and she immediately snapped at me saying “I already gave you a card!” to which I snapped back “No you didn’t!” and she was moody, but she gave me my injection and card, yet I have no idea what her issue was. I can’t help but be paranoid that she was working for people who want to break ME the way they broke my friend who just killed himself…like they knew from my blog or some other way that I was struggling, and that they thought a nurse yelling at me with a lie would be enough to push me overboard because it IS a huge trigger for me to be told a lie like that, and if I reacted in a crazy, out of control way because of that, they’d just lie and say “I’m sorry, I thought I already gave him one” or something and I’d be in handcuffs being beaten by the police by then. I know it seems far fetched, but people DO work in the system for that very reason. Did you see The Departed? People like Matt Damon’s character exist in every position inside the system, working for gangs and corrupt politicians and I’ve been locked up and tortured just for talking about it, but I’ll never stop until it’s truly exposed.

It’s definitely been rough, but I’ve been cleaning, I took a few walks and saw some bunnies, I’ve cooked and submitted a few more queries of my memoir, played the keyboard, talked to friends, taken baths, done art, listened to records, and done whatever I can to get through. I’ve done three days of 23 minute meditations, and I’m grateful for every little thing.

I did that new cray pas drawing on Easter in memory of my friend.

My long haired cat rolling around in crumbs under the table. Sigh….

I’m doing my best, as as my Tupac shirt says “Only God Can Judge Me”

Here is some music…

It’s been a challenging day. Oddly it started off pretty good. I thought I was in a healthy space and was offering a friend support in a support group that I’m part of that has a long history and means the world to me. We were talking about depression and offering apps and workbooks and other tools that have helped us. One of my friends said she kept a gratitude journal and I was shocked I forgot to suggest that, as it’s usually the first thing I suggest, particularly because it truly helps. There was a time when I got mad when people wouldn’t even bother to try it, but I know how depression can be and I regret that I sounded so judgemental in my first book about a friend who wouldn’t try my suggestions, yet kept saying he was depressed and didn’t know what to do. Ultimately, I felt I knew best, based on my own experience from having been chronically suicidal for 20 years and lifting myself out of it. I had the tools and was trying to share them, but I’d forgotten how hard it was to be THAT miserable and not have faith it was gonna get better. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re at the bottom. It’s certainly understandable to me now that if he was drowning in depression, he wasn’t gonna see how making a simple gratitude list would do anything to change his situation. I tried to explain to him how that was where he was wrong, but that probably wasn’t the best approach. While I may not have been in a deep depression myself when I wrote about my frustrations with my depressed friend not trying my suggestions in 2013, I was still dealing with severe mental health issues and brain damage from a psychosis 3 years prior. It wasn’t really until I was editing my book during my 3rd psychosis in 2018/2019 that I realized how cold and judgemental I sounded about some things I’d written, but it was the truth of where I was at during that time and I didn’t wanna change too much of it. As long as I continue to live, I can retell my stories from new perspectives as I learn them.

Today was a rough day because I’ve started to put more of the pieces together lately about things I’ve been through and what the true capacity of my situation is, and it’s a lot. It’d be a lot for anyone, to say the least, and it’s a lot for me. As proud as I am of myself for telling my story and putting it out there for the world, almost no one read it, and out of the portion who DID read it, probably only a small percentage believe me, but I was reminded today, when I reached out in my misery, the best I was able, that there are people who care and who believe me. I knew I could have asked “better”, but I wanted people to see it wasn’t just another post, another day… I needed immediate attention, and I got it, and I’m grateful… and like, I DID need immediate attention. I was screaming and pounding on the table. I tried to take a hot bath to relax but started screaming in the tub and violently splashing the water. I was thinking about how I’ve spent the last decade in therapy talking about my trauma, and they still think I’m fucking delusional about REAL trauma that THEY can’t compute in their heads because they don’t wanna believe that they might be working with people who don’t have the clients best interests in mind. I know how crazy it sounds, and yet I’ve had non-crazy, legit people confirm it over and over to me through the years, but they aren’t on trial, defending me to my therapy people! I have to deal with this diagnosis of Schizophrenia that some asshole doctor came up with to shut me up because I was accusing them of something they ARE part of but knew very well I couldn’t prove, and I am not alone in being a victim of this in the system. I wrote my book to try to explain that it’s not just happening to me, but so many of us…yet a year has gone by and my book has got me and my story nowhere… at least it feels like that, and as I continue to get rejections for my new books and life is kicking my ass in all kinds of ways like it always does, I just felt like shit. Plus, it’s Easter weekend and that brings up a lot. It’s the anniversary of a lot of hard shit right now, but even if I only have a small crew of friends who’ve read my books and who can tell I’m being honest and who actually understand because they’ve seen the things I talk about and know that kind of corruption is everywhere and inside their own families or schools or hospitals or whatever and so they know I’m not crazy, but I’m talking openly about the inner workings of the system that no one is supposed to know or at least talk about, and right now I feel like I’m in danger and that people are working against me… not just because I’m paranoid from sharing more of the story with publishers all over the world, trying to get representation, but because I can see and feel that things are off right now with the people I don’t trust but have to keep in my life at arm’s length. I feel angry that when I try to talk about this stuff in therapy, they act concerned like I’m saying unusual things, but I’ve been saying it all along and believed it all along because it’s fucking real, yet they act like I only bring it up because I’m having a “symptom”, and of course when I get all riled up and angry from being gaslit for forty years, they act like that’s a symptom too. It hurts me deeply.

I was grateful for the support though, especially since I know most of them really meant it. I’m very lucky to have great friends.

I saw that my aunt posted 3 gratitudes on Facebook today and my other aunt asked her if she was doing something she saw in the paper today saying that writing 3 gratitudes a day for a month could significantly change your situation for the better, and she said yes, she was doing that. Interesting, as I have been saying this for years but it’s just like my family to listen to an article in the Globe over what I’ve been saying for a decade, cuz who am I? My parents didn’t even start to accept me as gay until Ellen came out and made gay people okay. Their gay child was not okay, even to them, until the mainstream society accepted a famous gay as their own.

But, I’m going to take my own advice and list some stuff I’m grateful for…

I played the keyboard for a bit and was having fun with that. Music is good for the soul, as is crying which I also did.

I did good at the Open Mic last night. This was my song. It’s called “The Story Of the Godchild” This was me performing, and I enjoyed everyone else a lot as always too.

I am grateful for my boyfriend, who is currently my only boyfriend at the moment. I recently went from 2 boyfriends to 3, back down to 2, and now just have the one. The newest one was just someone I was kind of trying out and vice versa, but I don’t think he really wanted to be in a poly relationship and I didn’t wanna be the reason he settled for something he didn’t really want, so we were over quickly, but I was still a little bummed because I did like him, and my other boyfriend was a 3 year relationship that just ended, but it was my decision, even though nothing was especially terrible, we’d lost our connection and I didn’t feel like we should continue on as we were. It went fine but I hope I didn’t hurt him more than he let on. I’m kind of sad about it too, but I think it was the right choice.

I’m grateful for music… my record player and records are such a joy for me, as well as the hip hop vinyl collectors group I’m in that’s such a welcoming community for hip hop nerds like myself. I’m grateful for my home and my bed and my weighted blanket, for my cat Moo, for hot baths with awesome scented soaps, delicious food and people who bring me the food whether it’s already made or for me to cook, nurses who come to do my injections, my mental health workers, my family, my art, computer, phone, social media, self help apps, the weather getting nice, the cleaning I’ve done, fresh air when I get it, medicine, health insurance, weed, caffeine, vitamins, my upcoming art show, my web site, the fact that I keep occasionally selling more books and t-shirts, and that I’m not locked up during my favorite season. I have all this and more to be grateful for.

Here is some new art….

and a friend sent me this…

My friend, an artist named James Welch in my t-shirt (see his Instagram below)

https://www.instagram.com/thatsmyjimmyjam/

I made this from that Tik Tok recipe. It’s a block of feta cheese in a pan with olive oil, a package of cherry tomatoes, garlic, and Italian herbs, all mixed together and baked for a half hour at 400, then broiled for 15 more minutes. Take it out of the oven, add fresh basil and a box of cooked pasta and mix it up, yum.

Today is officially Easter and I’m gonna make a whole chicken and a casserole later, but I’m heading to bed soon, exhausted after a day of extreme feelings…

Here’s a song i like… kinda psychedelic

Happy Easter everyone, from this nobody of a Godchild.

Last time I wrote, I’d just done some massive Spring cleaning, and while I still have a ways to go, what I did on my own was incredibly hard work for me. I’m not in good physical shape and had to get on the floor, lift stuff, climb on things, put stuff together, move heavy objects, go up and down flights of stairs with heavy bags, etc. It’d cost well over $200 to pay someone to do what I did last week, and so I ended up getting myself a gift. It’s an electronic keyboard with a drum machine and it has 300 beats and 300 different instrument sounds and I can record on it, so I’ll be able to make beats with it fairly easily. I’ve wanted a keyboard since my manic spiritual experience in 2010. I’d just seen a Jim Henson exhibit at the History Museum in Lexington and there was a video of a Muppet that was sort of like an early version of Kermit, and he was playing jazz music on a piano and explaining what he was doing in a way that I understood…like, in that moment, standing there in the museum, watching this old Muppet video that I understood music for the first time, and when I was locked up in Cambridge Hospital a few weeks later, they had a piano, and I would manically play it every day, doing what I now understood. I was annoying everyone because I had no skill yet, and I still don’t, but I have the music in me, and I can already tell that I’m actually gonna make use of this instrument, unlike the bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, bongos, and harmonica I already have and don’t know how to play. The thing is, I can pick those up and fuck around a little, making simple music, but I know that I don’t have the coordination skills or the strength or flexibility to ever play the bass or guitar correctly, and I can’t do enough with them on their own to use as a side thing with my rap, but the keyboard is perfect… so, yeah. I literally said to someone the other night that I wanted a keyboard but that I couldn’t possibly allow myself one, and then before he could reply to ask why I couldn’t allow myself one, I’d sort of already done a search to see how much they cost, and when I saw an extremely affordable one with great reviews that included a drum machine and recording options and all that, I ordered it. I don’t regret it. It’s not super high quality, but people say it’s one of the best for beginners.

I haven’t actually done much cleaning the last 5 days, but Friday I needed to rest so I wouldn’t hurt myself before going to see my parents for an early Easter, and I was there Saturday and Sunday and when I got home Monday I didn’t do much either. I took out a big bag of trash and broke down boxes tonight, plus carried the keyboard inside and set that up, and I’ll probably do a little more cleaning before bed, but it was good to get away to see my parents for Easter. We watched the new movie “The Trial Of the Chicago 7” which I enjoyed but it had an intense rape scene and lack of strong female characters. It wouldn’t be my Oscar pick, but I enjoyed it. I thought the Borat guy was great as Abby Hoffman and the humor made it a unique film, because it was also disturbing in many ways, especially what was done to Bobby Seale. Abby Hoffman and Bobby Seale were the only two of the seven that I was familiar with and the story of the trial was new to me so it was cool to see.

The other movie we watched is several years old now but still on Netflix… The Fundamentals of Caring. I hadn’t seen it yet and was in love with it. It was a feel-good comedy that I could relate to because I’ve had so many healthcare workers that I’ve grown to love and have grown to love me as well.

We cooked out on the grill Saturday and we had a honey of the ham, broccoli, cheesy potatoes, and ricotta pie for our Easter, which was technically Palm Sunday.

My dad said something to me that made me feel good in the way he worded it. I can’t quite remember the wording but what he said made me feel like he believes I’ll be successful some day if I keep doing what I’m doing, and that meant a lot.

I took a few pictures…

I am adding this painting to my permanent collection at The Armory. It will be hanging in the new performance space.

I also wrote up my artist statement for the photography show at The Armory in May. This is it.

“Wicked Cliche’ Psychosis Show: Falling Apart, Breaking, and Putting Myself Back Together Through Art” by Jymi Cliche’ (2005-2010)All 25 of these 8×10 photos were taken between 2005-2010 in Massachusetts. Specific towns include Woburn, Stoneham, Reading, Arlington, Cambridge, Somerville, Allston, Brookline, Waltham, Boston, and P-Town. They are photos of friends, strangers, family, graffiti, streets, nature, architecture, design, and a few were taken in spots where some of Jymi’s old friends lived when they were homeless. The specific locations are not included on those, but many of the spots no longer exist anyway because the towns deliberately built stuff to keep them out.

In one of the photos from this collection, the graffiti reads: “Let Go”. Jymi found it on the first day of Spring, 2010 at the beginning of his manic spiritual journey. He felt the sign was speaking to him directly, telling him to “let go” and so he did. He let go of everything, so much that he lost touch with the reality society fed us and started to see things for what they really were, but he was locked up against his will just for talking about it (and causing some harmless trouble by driving around Boston loudly singing and taking photos, including some of these).

Spring has remained a spiritual time of year for Jymi ever since that journey in 2010, and this year he wanted to give back by inspiring other struggling artists to keep doing their art no matter how hard life gets and who’s supporting it. When these photos were taken, Jymi was a broken soul, lost in the system which was destroying him as he tried to get help, going in and out of abusive psych wards, usually voluntarily. The abuse in the system began when he came out as trans. Before that, he thought it was a safe place to turn to.

All through his struggles, Jymi created art, danced, made music, wrote, and took photos and videos. Music is one of his most recent and least mastered skills, but his love for all kinds started as a young child in the 80’s. His obsession with hip hop however, didn’t fully begin until 2001 around his 23rd birthday, which was 9/11. His passion for music and hip hop are displayed in many of the photos included.

Jymi spent time with local underground rappers like Bronze Buddah who hosted “Wut Up Dunn?” on Cambridge Community Television years ago and who is pictured in a few of the photos, as well as a rapper named Struggle. They used to go to parties together where they often did rap cyphers. They’re talented freestylists who taught Jymi a lot about hip hop and life in general.

Jymi took photos of the underground hip hop scene here and there along the way and has a separate collection dedicated to just that, but some of the photos from that collection overlap with the years he was in a psychosis.

The 25 photos picked for this show aim to tell the story of Jymi during some of his most challenging years and how he fell apart, broke, and put himself back together through art.

You can see them here…

http://wickedclicheart.com/wicked-cliche-psychosis-art-show-at-out-of-the-blue-gallery-with-art-photos-a-poem-by-jymi-cliche/

In other news, I lost another pound this month but I’m probably gonna put it back on this week with Easter and leftovers, I sold 4 more books and a t-shirt, and I may have a new long distance boyfriend. Things are still going really well with my other long distance boyfriend and it seems like things are probably over with the local one. We’ve grown apart, but I like a bunch of people right now, yet don’t know what, if anything to do about it. I don’t wanna do anything too fast, but I do like this guitarist and artist guy I’m talking to who reminds me of a rebirth of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. He is unique and cool, although a bit young… like barely 30… but that’s not like, not okay or anything…it’s just that I don’t typically go more than 5 years older or younger than me….not that I really “typically” do anything. I was single for over a decade by choice until recently. We will see how it goes.

Here is a song to try. Peace.

It’s that time of year again when I often ask myself as a Bipolar person, “Is this mania or just Spring?” It’s kind of similar to the “Is this Covid or just allergies?” question. Yes, I may be full of energy and in a better mood, but after a long winter and a year of being kept indoors, isn’t it natural I would wanna get outside and do lots of cleaning with the windows open and music playing somewhat loud? It’s Spring, a time to celebrate new beginnings. Plus, we were just given a big chunk of money for nothing and told to spend it. It can be hard to tell if I’m impulsively and carelessly spending money like one might do during a manic episode, or if I’m only doing what anyone in my position would do. It’s not like I used it on anything negative. No weapons or drugs or alcohol were purchased and nothing was a waste. I had to renew my web site, I got a canvas dresser to replace twenty year old plastic drawers, I got shorts, shoes and sandals for summer, copyrighted my children’s book, bought frames for the art in my upcoming art show, a lamp and mirror for the bedroom, incense, medicine, medical supplies, and yes, I did treat myself to a few records, books, and one kind of big item for fun that I don’t really need… a keyboard that I can play and record beats on. I’ve wanted a keyboard since 2010 and I told myself I shouldn’t buy any more instruments, but all my instruments were cheap knockoff versions and yet I enjoy picking them up now and then even if I can’t really play them. I don’t know how to play the keyboard either, but I know I can still make music with it. “I’m an artist. Give me a tuba and I’ll bring you something out of it” – John Lennon.

So Let’s start with my Spring photos. I took most of these on spring Solstice, which was just a couple days after getting my vaccine… but I think I may have mentioned the vaccine in my last post. It was just the first one though.

I also got this cool photo in the mail from my friend Niko Matthews, a talented photographer

And I found a couple throwback photos from this week in past years. First we have my very good friends Mel and Paul from Washington. This was ten years ago, just about 6 moths after I got out of my three month stay at Pembroke Psych Hospital against my will. I WAS manic before I was sent there, and I had never been so happy, nor have I since, but I was annoying and worrying people, so they locked me up and broke me on purpose, wiping the happiness out of me and causing me to feel suicidal again. They court ordered me onto an anti-psychotic injection which I still take to this day and it has done all kinds of damage to my mind, body, and soul, but it also might be helping me, and I don’t wanna feel like I did when they took me out of heaven ever again. When I got my freedom back in September of 2010, I was still miserable and sick as hell. Seeing Mel and Paul in March of 2011 was the very first thing to lift my spirits, and it made a world of difference to see friends I love and trust, They made me feel like I was really home. They were staying at a hotel in NH playing a gig at a steampunk convention and my dad got me a room for a couple nights so I could go hang out with them while they were so close by. One night at dinner I accidentally referred to the hotel as a hospital. I was still very institutionalized and broken, but my friends and their music lifted me.

You can hear their music here if you’re interested. Mel is a trained opera singer and Paul plays all kinds of instruments and is good at them all.

https://civita.bandcamp.com/

The second picture I found was this…

While this was not my TV, this photo from 4 years ago is symbolic of when I officially threw out a majority of drama in my life. I had just dated a nightmare of a woman in November through January, then shit went down with my friends I’d been hanging out with for a decade. They were lying to me and getting together without me, talking shit about me behind my back because they wanted to do cocaine and other hard drugs and sell their psych meds and do gang shit and I’d been hard at work on myself for a long time and was starting to see some real progress. I told them I didn’t wanna do any of that and didn’t think they should either since they all had kids. If I’d chosen my friends over continuing to recover and work on myself, I may have ended up dead like a couple of them did, and I don’t think the living ones have achieved any of their big goals either, not that I’m judging them. They had their reasons and their obstacles but I knew that if I wanted a better life, I had to say goodbye, and so I did, more of less. I did ghost a few of them which may have been shitty, but I also knew how manipulative they were and that they’d make it impossible for me, so I just blocked most of them, but they were treating me like shit long before that and some of them continue to find ways to harass me all these years later. I got out of a bad situation and turned my life around, and it wasn’t easy. Just about a year later, I was showing my art in a gallery and making new friends in the art world.

I’ve spent most of the week cleaning my apartment and Moo thinks we’re playing a game…

Last off, here are some lunchroom surveys I took in 1995 at Beacon High School in Brookline/Boston MA.

And for music… how about this cuz the weather is saying it’s time for reggae…

The last 2 are local Boston artists. We actually have some great reggae and ska here.

I never could have imagined that I’d achieve all the things I have in the last few years, and yet why do I feel it’s not enough? What is this about? Five years ago I said I didn’t think I’d be in a relationship, have art in an art gallery, publish my books, perform my music in front of audiences, sell art, be getting good reviews, making new, healthier friendships, etc. I was still quite sick five years ago, unable to care for myself at all. I was making progress though. I was definitely ahead of where I was five years before that when I was completely broken for the second time. It wasn’t easy getting up again after that, and my third breakdown just a couple years ago wasn’t easy to get back up from either. In some ways, the third and most recent breakdown was the most heartbreaking, because it was caused by me getting a taste of all the things I wanted. It was too much too fast and it broke me, and I wasn’t sure I was gonna come back from it, especially because it was the third one. I thought, “three times is the charm. I’ll be crazy forever now…” and on some level, that is true. I AM a bit crazier now, but I embrace it and work with it. It’s part of my power as an artist to be a little crazy and different. If I fit in, I’d just be one of those people repeating ideas, but I have my own ideas.

I was thinking about things I’d still like to do with my life that I haven’t yet. Some of it would be easier with money, but I do have some dreams… I’d like to write and direct a movie, make a professional sounding album, really learn to play bass, even if just a few songs. I’d most like to learn “Cannonball” by The Breeders, “Money” by Pink Floyd, and a bunch of Pixies songs. I’d like to get a certificate to work as a peer counselor, and if I’m able to do that and like it, maybe go back to school for an Art/Expressive Therapy degree. I’d also like to learn to surf! I’d love to live on a body of water of some sort with my own private access to the beach, or at least vacation near the beach or uptown in P-Town some time in my life. I’d like to get a book published by a professional publishing company, organize a non-commercialized art and music festival, go to Australia to meet some of my friends there, as well as the San Francisco/Oakland area, do a graffiti mural or legally paid wall art (or both), DJ an event, make a line of skateboards and fashion (which I sort of have on my t-shirt store, but I’d like to have my own label). I dunno if there is anything else. Maybe go to a water park again if I stay this weight or lose more…maybe a bottom surgery or two if they create something that seems worth doing… go on a boat trip of some sort again, at least a whale watch, and maybe go camping or to a cabin in the woods. But I will start with getting hugged again. I actually had a friend try to hug me the other day, but with Covid going on and the stress I was under that day, it wasn’t exactly the kind of hug I need. My friend recently bought me a weighted blanket though and it kicks ass!

I am grateful I got my first vaccine the other day and am looking forward to getting back to life if and when possible so that I can do all the things I want to do.

It won’t be easy, but I will try…I’m 42 now and I don’t want to die.

This is a new 3 foot long painting I did based on an old art therapy drawing of what makes me happy. It’s kind of based on a vision I have about a big party at the end of the world that gets the world started over from the beginning. The party is in a heavenly type dimension where people just dance and sing and eat and drink and play music while enjoying the nature around them. A robot child plays DJ and the stars in the sky spin into a giant yin yang of darkness and light. The yin yang spins in orgasmic peace and unity while the music plays until it starts to spin out of control and spits the stars back out as spirits and souls.

Anyway, and here is a video of me performing 5 of my original songs on Facebook Live…

A couple other things… I got this new review on The Godchild. I don’t even know who wrote it.

I also got this awesome art in the mail from my friend EJ Greaves

And I wanted to say congratulations to Nas on his first Grammy ever for his 2020 album “King’s Disease” which I got myself for my birthday back in September. Nas is one of the best out there. About time he was recognized and it IS a great album.

Here’s my cat chillin’ with my shit. I recently found an affordable copy of that Dead Prez album you can see in the photo which I’ve been looking for for years without any luck. I was so excited to find it. Dead Prez are to hip hop what the Dead Kennedy’s are to punk, and not just because of the similar names.

Here is my recently re-done bedroom and my new weighed blanket my friend sent me.

And here is me. I am glad to say I am back into a size 42 pants, down from a 46 around this time last year.

And to leave you with some music, how about “I Am the Spring” by Morcheeba because it’s Spring today!!! YAY! Happy FUCKING Spring!

and here’s another one I love because I just got this Mad Season record too. Mad Season was a super group of Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, and Screaming Trees members…

Peace

I’ve been struggling with my rejections lately, but for some perspective, I’ve been stumbling upon some of my favorite underground artists and lost songs lately too. It’s like the universe did it on purpose. I recently used a song by Liggy Wog on my podcast of “The Godchild”, and I still have and listen to two of their cassettes. I’m pretty sure me and my ex wife were two of maybe fifteen fans they had, if that, and 25 years later it’s safe to bet I’m the only person who still has their music, similar to how I’m the owner of the only copy of a video cassette of an early 90’s feminist sketch comedy show that was on PBS at 2am every other Sunday for awhile. Lea Delaria who played Boo on OITNB, stand up comedian Kate Clinton, and Dr. Bertice Berry, plus several other well known feminists were the stars of the show. It was brilliant and ahead of its time and I’m the only one who has it. PBS literally sent me their only copy. A couple years ago, my friend Anthony searched high and wide to find me a copy of the song Electric Storms by The Devlins which was a B side to a song that flopped by a band that flopped in the early 90’s and I was the first and only person to upload it to Youtube. I still have The Organic Icecubes album from Mark Erelli’s high school band on my computer. I have a copy of “The Cadelli Stink Tape” on my Spotify (currently private)… which was a home town comedy gem of some kids I went to school with when they were like, nine and thought they were The Beastie Boys or something. I’m probably the only person who cares about the song Skies Turn Black by Bronze Buddha and Bobericc, and it’s one of my all time favorites. Lil Wayne’s most hated album is one of my all time favorites as well, and I have many super talented friends whose music still soothes me on a rough day that never went anywhere… so on and so on. All the artists who made those brilliant songs and albums that are hugely important to me probably considered those works failures. They weren’t a big success. They didn’t get those artists to the places they probably hoped it would get them, but they left their gifts to the world, if only at the very least, through me. I already know that my book impacted a lot of people who read it, as has the audio-book version. It has made a difference and my new books will be read too, whether they’re published by a publisher or not because there are several people looking forward to more, and that is something I can be proud of. Most people don’t get published, and if they do, it’s most often because they went with a glam agency, which was the kind of agency that did accept my book right away, and they called me on the phone after having read it and sent me a summary of how they would market it and it sounded a bit too good to be true, and while they are an actual publishing company, in the end, most people who sign with them sell about as many as I did self publishing, and are charged thousands of dollars for thousands of books they have to buy and this and that through the agency as well. I got out of it immediately thankfully, because self publishing hasn’t really cost anything other than some extra stuff I chose to put money down on like a week of promotional advertising and press kits, but it’s completely free to self publish through Amazon like I did, so I made the right choice on that, and the publishers I’m querying would be free as well. They’d be agreeing to do a lot of work for me on the faith that they thought my book would make them money. That’s not easy to get someone to do, especially for a nobody like me, so it is what it is. It helps to remember how much I love some really obscure sit though. Some of it is stuff I wouldn’t be me without. Other artists might consider that perspective as well, that even just a few fans can keep your art alive.

*BURP*

Here is some of the art I’ve been up to. I keep bustin’ my ass at it, hoping I’ll get noticed, and actually, today Parama Chattopadhyay who runs the art gallery posted a big thing on me with a bunch of my art, saying I was one of the artists at the gallery.

I made a drawing of cacti for my niece, because she asked…

• 

And I did a few more pages in my children’s book. Actually, I finished it tonight!

I got away for a couple days to see my parents for their birthday. Their birthday last year was the last time I went out to dinner or anywhere pretty much, for that matter. This was the sunset when I got there…

I stopped at the graffiti spot on the way home to take some photos and get a walk with some air…

My cat Moo was glad to have me back home…

My friend Mel sent me this fifteen pound grey weighted blanket as a gift to help with my stress and it’s friggin’ awesome!

And to leave you with some music, here are a few songs that may have been considered flops by the artists, but they mean the world to me…

And that is all I got for you today!