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I’m having a rough time. Every day, everything seems to be a failure or a miss. I’ve been holding on by a thread and I burst into tears today. I’ve spent my day talking about what’s going on with different people… my mom, my boyfriend, and a couple of my best friends. One of my friends even offered to buy me noise cancelling headphones or a weighted blanket to help with my stress. I think my dad has noise cancelling headphones though and will maybe bring them tomorrow when he comes to change my light bulb I can’t reach.

I’m so tempted to list off everything that’s going wrong and stressing me out right now. I can’t understand why life has to rain turkeys like this so often, Aren’t I a good person? I’ve been trying so hard, wearing myself thin, not only with my own work, but things I’m doing for others, and I feel like I’m not getting anywhere and it’s hard. I mean, just five years ago, my mental health worker at the time asked me where I thought I’d be in 5 years and I said “maybe making a little progress, but more or less the same.” She said “Don’t you think you’ll be in a relationship and showing your art in galleries?” and I said “No, not in 5 years, maybe ten, but even that, I don’t know.” and then just months later, I started dating for my first time in over a decade, since my transition, and since my wife left, and while that was a disaster at first, 2 years after my mental health worker asked me that question, I was in 2 open relationships… the same two I’m in now, and I started showing my art in galleries AND performing, and I was on TV and had a big solo show, and all long before that five year mark, where I didn’t expect to be yet. Now, I’m making so much progress, it’s natural I want more for myself, but while I may not be that extremely broken person I was five years ago, I feel like in a sense, that’s all I’ll ever be, is at the bottom. Maybe I’m not worthy of success, but after all I’ve been through and everything I’ve done for people I love, for God and the Universe, acting on faith and being locked up for it, and even helping strangers… I’ve worked my ass off to become a better person, but I still get walked all over and sometimes it makes me wanna explode. My anger is so high sometimes. Life has fucked me left and right and made me its bitch and I’m humiliated by it every day.

I guess it helps to remember that some piece of me believes in myself in a huge way. I still really believe that I’m The Godchild and that in the end, I’ll win somehow. I believe that good will win, and peace and love will come back to us in some way, even if it means the end of the world. I believe the world will re-start and we’ll all get a chance to play again. I believe that the Godchildren are the star players and that we’re important to the world in a huge way. There are many of us and our time and purpose is coming. I’ve always related to the story of the tortoise and the hare. I’ve taken the slow route, but what I’ve seen and been through better prepared me to do well in times like these than the people who seemingly won early on. I’m a soldier. I’m an artist, but I’m a soldier too. I marched in the drum lines of intergalactic world wars. This is not the end of my life. It’s mostly been a great year for me. I’m 42 which is a big deal. It’s “the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything” according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy.

It’s officially been just about a year since quarantine started, and since I’ve hardly left the house all year, it’s natural I’m struggling. I feel a lot like I did when I wrote this song, which I performed at Out Of the Blue Gallery a year ago yesterday. I was still just starting to get back at life after being stuck inside for 7 months with my third psychosis at the end of 2018 and early 2019.

Life is so up and down lately though. I was told yesterday that my art was gonna be in a magazine today and I woke up to find it wasn’t there, and the magazine won’t be published again for another month after I did a bunch of work to get it done immediately like I was asked. Then, I wasn’t able to do what I envisioned for my art show. Right after I was told I could do whatever I wanted and was asked “So, what do you want to do?” I answered and got a quick “Oh, no, we can’t do THAT… the cost, the politics, yadda yadda”. But we were able to come to a compromise that worked. It’s just that it triggered me and reminded me of times growing up when I was told a person was a safe person and could be trusted and that I could say anything to them, but after I did, I was punished or called a liar or stupid or bad or whatever. I ended up in tears on the phone, which was embarrassing, but I got through it and the compromise might actually be better anyway, it just triggered me on a rough day. It wasn’t really her fault. I knew my vision might be too much.

It’s been everything though. I don’t even wanna get into it all now. It’s raining turkeys on my life and I can’t catch a break.

I’ve done a little more art and stuff lately though… I painted this and took a video of me doing so…

I’ve done a few more pictures for the children’s book…

And here are some photos and art going into my May and June shows at The Armory… except for the photo of the utility box in the sunset which i took out of the show because I had a few too many things.

That’s about it. I dunno what to leave you with for music. I’ve been enjoying some records but can’t think of any tracks off them to share.

How about this? This is my former therapist and now kind of a friend who I perform at the Open Mic with. She did this parody version of Jolene by Dolly Parton called “Vaccine” and it’s appropriate for the moment, so enjoy…

It’s been a rough few days. I’ve been waking up in a rage caused by my cat’s constant crying and this fucking opera singer next door who sings scales of “la la la la la la la la la” over and over for hours at top volume just as I’m waking up each day. None of it is good for my PTSD. Even people without PTSD would been driven up a wall, but loud repetitive noise makes me insane…

On top of the rage, I was sent to tears twice yesterday because of a fucking Facebook glitch, I thought my best friend died and then I sobbed again with relief when she texted me that she was okay.

Life has been a challenge in other ways too. My aunt’s boyfriend’s son died of a heroin overdose the other day, half my family has had Covid, I’m sick with a bad cough right now, I was completely out of money until today and what I got today wasn’t much, but I bought a few things I needed for my upcoming art show. I don’t know if that’s even gonna be worth the effort and money I’m putting into it. Being in May and June, we still won’t be able to have large gatherings. People will probably have to go see it on their own time. Hopefully they will.

Today I got what was maybe the worst rejection letter I’ve received so far, because many of them are encouraging, saying my book sounds interesting and is well written, but just isn’t what they’re specifically looking for. The one I got today said “the writing just wasn’t where I needed it to be.” I felt shot down. I mean, I know I have a limited vocabulary and am not always eloquent, but I’m a decent writer. I don’t have the $10,000 it costs to get a fucking editor or even a proof reader. I’m a disabled, mentally ill, trans man who went into the psych ward after high school rather than graduating college, and then I was in and out of detoxes, or hanging out with gangsters and I missed out on a lot of stuff going on in the intellectual world, but I have an amazing story to tell, and the writing isn’t bad at all. I looked to see what I’d sent the agent, and realized that she was the one who said she can tell in three pages if she wants a book, and that if the writing isn’t pristine and she isn’t instantly wowed, she won’t be interested, so I knew she probably wasn’t the one, even though some of what she said she was looking for was relevant. I thought she was worth a try, but I feel like some people just get a tiny taste of me and they be hatin’. I realize that’s not proper English, but you know the phrase…Anyway, I don’t understand why she had to say that the writing wasn’t up to her standards. Nobody needs to hear that from someone who only read three very personal pages of their life. It made me feel shitty, but I mentioned it to a couple people who read The Godchild and they said that what’s great about my books is that they’re written in my true voice, which makes the raw honesty of the story stand out far more than fancy language. I’m just bummed though because in the last couple days I found two non-binary agents looking for something exactly like my book, but I already queried agents at both of their agencies, so I can’t query them. I’m so mad at myself for not doing enough research to find them first, but there’s no way I could have known they’d even exist until I found them. Hopefully if their co-workers aren’t interested, they’ll pass it over to their non-binary partners to take a look at. It’s just so hard to get started from the bottom, no matter how hard I work. People say I achieved a lot just by writing and publishing my books, but they’re meant to be read, ideally. I feel like I’d be lucky to get 2/5 of the readers I got for my first book if I release another one without a publisher, and that’s just not okay with me. I’m gonna keep trying.

I haven’t spent much time illustrating the children’s book this week, but I did one page I was proud of…

I framed a few more photos for the art show and ordered some more frames today

Also framed these 9×12 pictures

The Timothy Leary was a collab with someone I used to know who is living off the grid. They did the stencil and I added the colors.

For music, I’ve been working on this…

And that is all for now.

I was excited and mind blown when I found these photos yesterday before bed. Someone had mentioned something vague about my profile pictures and I was curious what they might be referring to. I saw that in 2010, 2 weeks after I swam to the island like I talk about in chapter 32 of The Godchild… my favorite chapter about an amazing day, I posted these photos I took that day. I did not get any of the art back that I left at the park that day I dove in and swam to a deserted island to spend the night with Mother Goose…but this is what I was doing before I dove in, and where my mind was at.

Unfortunately my phone camera in 2010 was not that great, but these are some cool pictures to have. If you read The Godchild I’m sure this chapter stands out in your mind, and so it’s cool to have a record of that actual, real day.

Another cool thing I found was this painting my alternative high school art teacher, Pat Mattina did of me while I was still a high school student. Pat is THE art teacher who I credit as being MY art teacher, even if I technically had many art teachers over the years, Pat was the one who turned me into a real artist. She was a great teacher. I had her for English too, which I also loved. Her English class was for the creative kids who preferred writing and art to sitting down and reading. Reddi’s class was for the analytical reader types. They would have been what was basically like an honor’s English class, but Pat’s class was perfect for me. We were still very smart, just different smart. We spent a couple semesters reading banned books and a couple semesters reading books about artists. We studied the Harlem Renaissance and abstract expressionism, e.e. cummings, beat poetry, jazz, etc. I really loved that school and the way they kept me interested in learning which public school failed to do. Pat did this painting of me standing by the steps in the front building. My pants were actually a dark pink and black plaid pair of Skidz, but she took artistic license. She originally didn’t want me to see this painting which she did while doing a series of paintings of some of the students. My favorite by her was called “Teen Feet” and it was the legs and shoes of several students under our desks. I could tell who each student was just by the legs and shoes in the painting because we were all so unique there, but Pat did this of me and didn’t want me to see it because of how sad I looked, and I really was so depressed back then. She saw it all over me, but it’s a great painting…

I’ve got a few more random photos from this week. First, this is me out in the snow, getting some much needed fresh air…

Here is Moo on the couch…

A Reks record.. the newest called THINGS with Apollo Brown, Evidence, Pharaoh Monch, and Statik Selektah, plus a few of my hip hop Funko Pops including the new Jam Master Jay

A new Painting I got by an artist named Len Di Mercurio

The most recent page in my children’s book

My new book covers have all arrived. You can buy them signed through me for $15 each or $40 for all 3. email me at wickedcliche@gmail.com

I got this lotion too. Sells great and made with hemp, so great for skin, even un-medicated.

And for some cool music, try out this friend of mine on Facebook. His show Bunker Buds is way cool.

First of all, I have an announcement that I’m having an art show at Out Of the Blue Gallery in Somerville MA this May and June, 2021. It’s got a theme of art, photography, and poetry done between 2006-2010 when I was most sick with mental health issues.

You can learn more about it here…

In other news, I did a couple more drawings last night for my children’s book and realized I’m only a little more than halfway done. I still have 14 more to go and I didn’t get any done tonight.

And now here are more of the apps that have helped me…

Zoom – I’ve used Zoom for a number of things this year including Open Mics, high school reunions, human rights meetings, and so far, two very successful Open Mic/Art parties that I’ve hosted. One was for my 42nd birthday, and one was for the New Year. For years I dreamed of having a big party for all my friends all over the world to attend. I’ve also been dreaming of organizing events like Woodstock where all my musician friends would play and artists would make and sell art since I was a young teen. Thanks to Zoom, and even the pandemic a little, that idea became a reality. Each party got an average of 30 people, including about 10 performers or artists talking about their art. Friends I’ve been talking to for twenty years through the internet but who I never met were there to wish me a happy 42nd birthday and to support one another and our creative expressions. It was such a nice time and I’m planning another in April to welcome Spring.

WordPress – Gotta mention this site which hosts my web site and blog. I haven’t fully figured out how to make use of it yet, but it’s nice to be blogging and keeping a web site again, especially now when everything’s faster and more accessible.

DrawingBox – People say it’s a shitty program, but I like it and use it to do most of my digital art on my iPad. There’s a free version, and for just a few dollars you can get the full version which is simple to use and I honestly like it.

Leafly – I don’t make full use of this site anymore, and I should, at least for the weed diary where you can keep a record of every weed strain you get and rate it based on taste and effects. I smoke so many different strains all the time and can never remember what my favorites are. You can keep track in Leafly. It was also how I found a medical place that delivered to me with great prices and it has a record of almost every major strain, and you can look them up by name to see whether it’s indica or sativa, what the THC and CBD content is, and how it will effect you, from dry eyes and mouth which seem to be a universal effect of every strain to being paranoid or anxious, which I like to avoid, and some are better for PTSD, stress, mood swings, depression, pain, etc. I like to look up the strains before I buy them to see which ones are best for my symptoms. It helps a lot and has made it so that I almost never have negative effects of weed anymore.

Amazon Kindle and Apple Books- I use both for downloading and reading books, which has made it easier for me to read more. The Kindle has also offered me a way to self publish my books and make them affordable to people all over the world, so it’s cool. I don’t have an actual Kindle, but the app is free to use to download books from Amazon.

Yummly – When I started cooking again, this was a great tool. You let it know what foods you like and don’t like, as well as what level cook you are, and it generates lists of recipes from all over the internet to make. It helped me a lot with my health.

Instacart – This has also helped me a lot with health. As an agoraphobic person who loves food, I was ordering all my food from local pizza places for years because I didn’t feel comfortable going to the grocery store and still don’t. Instacart has its issues, but I can get healthy groceries for snacks and meals delivered to my door now and that has lead to me losing a lot of weight and getting healthier.

DoorDash and GrubHub – Okay, well, I do still love to get take-out, but now am not limited to the same 5 pizza and sub places or 5 Asian food restaurants that delivered to my home. I’m not limited to pizza and Asian food at all, in fact. Living where I live, I can get food from all kinds of restaurants from at least 7 surrounding cities. Unfortunately, it did add to my weight gain at first because I wanted to try everything, but it was worth it, to sample great food from dozens of places all around me, and now that I’ve sampled everywhere, I know where my favorite places are for the healthier things, although I’m not perfect and get junk delivered too, like tonight I got Burger King because I just wanted a sandwich and something fairly cheap. That’s the down side. They rob you.

Uber/Lyft – If it had not been for these services, I wouldn’t have been able to attend any of the dozen art shows I went to in Allston and Cambridge in the last couple years, as well as a few concerts. I’m not exactly looking forward to getting back into them any time soon, and I absolutely hate being a passenger in a car, but this service has opened up opportunities when I had none.

Paypal – Such a great tool for when you wanna pay people who aren’t a company. I can pay for and get paid for art, I can pay someone to shovel my car, I can send my payment to the gallery, I can pay my boyfriend if he puts my meal on his card, or vice versa. It’s great for so many things. It’s made life a lot easier.

And last of all, I dunno if it counts as an app, but it’s an app that comes with my iPhone and most phones probably have it, and that is the Calendar and Reminders. I set reminders for fucking everything now and it helps me get it all done and not forget. I think without it I’d be lucky if I got done an eighth of what I do now.

So that is it for now. What music can I give you? How bout this instrumental classic everybody knows whether they know the title or not…

And that’s a rap… a wrap? a rap? Over and out…

First of all, let me be clear that Funko Pop action figures haven’t done all that much to change my life for the better, but they are a great little inexpensive present to myself every now and then. I added Jam Master Jay to my collection yesterday. All three members of Run DMC are currently available, but Jam Master Jay was the DJ and I don’t have any DJ’s yet. I couldn’t resist the mini turntables.

The others in the photo are Lil Wayne, Notorious BIG, and Tupac. I have other Funko Pops, but this is my hip hop collection. I have Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Joey Ramone, Bob Ross, Basquiat, Mr. Rogers, Batman, and Rainbow Brite too.

I am a nerd, what can I say? Speaking of which, I’m gonna talk a little about technology, which actually isn’t one of my nerd topics at all. I really don’t know much about technology, but I use it, and there have been some apps that have helped change my life for the better. I’m curious what apps have been helpful to you as well, and why. Please let me know in the comments, but here are a few for me. Most of them are probably well known.

Starting with the old days, beyond the Ani Difranco email list I was part of, which was kind of like a pre-social media version of social media, we had LiveJournal which I used for years and had a very popular blog, but then MySpace popped up which was kind of awesome in some ways and I was able to get back in touch with a lot of friends from high school who I hadn’t talked to in a decade. That had its pros and cons. A lot of my high school friends weren’t people I wanted back in my life, but some of them absolutely were, and I even became close with a few people I wasn’t even friends with in high school! In fact, I’d say the few people I feel closest to from high school now are about 50/50 people I was close with back then, and people I hardly knew then.

Today was the birthday of one of my most special friends from alternative school. We had our first reunion for students and teachers about five years ago in October, which was twenty years since I graduated high school and the same month my sister got married. That reunion was something my soul needed badly because my alternative school friends are my soul family… at least how I see it. I’ll always feel connected to them at my core. We’ve gathered every year since, including this year on Zoom, which is another app I will mention, but it was MySpace that first got me back in touch with my old friends, where LiveJournal was mostly all people I only knew through the internet, although a few of my depressed, emo friends I met in psych wards had LiveJournals, and I kept in touch with several of them through there, for better or worse. One of them is still a best friend and soulmate. I also visited some of my LiveJournal friends in 2001, flying across country to Olympia Washington to meet them. Some of them are family to me to this day as well… people who’ve truly saved me.

Eventually Facebook came along. It definitely offers the best and worst of things. It ended MySpace, and LiveJournal is now owned by conservative Russian spies or something. Until I recently started blogging on WordPress again, I used my Facebook for everything and still do. I treat it like my own pirate radio station, like Hard Harry from Pump Up the Volume, my most influential movie hero. I try to use my blog in the same way. I’ve always treated social media like that. I share news, art, photos, music, humor, inspiration, thoughts on what’s going on in the world or my life… I use it to share my own creative expressions as well as that of others I love, and yes, I even share my opinions on politics…not politicians so much. Fuck most of them, but the issues are still important and I use social media as a way of better understanding the world around me. I do try to avoid negative people, and artists are my favorite to follow. I love seeing art and music. I love that about Instagram too. I don’t go into as much details in what I write on Instagram because mine is public, and I also don’t really read what others write on there either. I mostly just like looking at the art. I follow all kinds of artists and share my art there too. I wouldn’t say Instagram has offered me anything I can’t get elsewhere, other than an easy way to view art and support other artists, which IS important, but I can pretty much do that on Facebook too. I still like Instagram though. For me, it is better than Snapchat which I don’t have and don’t like, and TikTok which I do have and am starting to like things about it, especially doing duets on people’s beats, but I just recently got invited to a rap battle group on Facebook which would probably be more worth my time. Facebook, by far has won for the most addictive and most helpful. There are definitely down sides, and I see those and would love to see a new site replace Facebook with similar features but more freedom. I love social media in most ways, and Facebook has almost everything I’d want, it’s free, and it’s where all my friends are. I’m an extroverted introvert who lives alone and has a bit of agoraphobia, so Facebook is the perfect way to get the interaction I need without it overwhelming me. Messenger on the other hand I could mostly do without. Sure, I use it to talk to many people I love, but I’d be okay with most of those people texting me on my phone. On messenger, I get a lot of bullshit and people who call me on there like it’s a phone annoy me, other than the woman I work with through the gallery who calls me on it for stuff relating to my art and the gallery, which is fine.

I do not like Twitter either. I just don’t get the appeal.

Beyond social media though, there are other apps that have helped me…

MyFitnessPal – I use this to track my food and calories and set goals for eating and stuff like that. It came recommended by my nutritionist and helped me lose over 100 pounds. Of course, when I stopped using it, I gained a lot of that back, but that was also because I quit smoking AND had a psychosis breakdown, so gaining 50 pounds back was kind of expected, but I’ve been using the app again and lost over 30 of those 50 pounds I’d gained back.

Habitica – When I was thinking about quitting smoking several years ago, and also wanting to START doing some positive shit more often, I started doing Habitica as recommended by a friend who said it helped him to take a shower every day. I was having trouble remembering to brush my teeth back then. I’ve brushed every day since starting Habitica, which I don’t actually even really use anymore, but it did wonders for training me to do lots of different activities. For many years with my severe PTSD, I would just sit on the couch and smoke cigarettes or vape while listening to music or watching TV all day. I hardly moved and it was very difficult to motivate myself, even to do things I wanted to do like art, writing, reading, etc. I just couldn’t get myself to do anything, but Habitica turns it into a game where you get points for everything you do that you wanna do, and lose points for doing things you’re trying to do less. You can sort of set it up any way you want. I put each individual thing I wanted to do, and would get points for when I did them, and would take away points for things like smoking on the days I smoked, but not every cigarette. In order to make it worth doing, you wanna set it up to give yourself more positive rewards than punishments. I had all sorts of shit listed… brush teeth, shower, go outside, take out trash, do dishes, make phone calls, clean litter box, read, practice songs, dance, write, do art, play bass, vacuum, do my self help apps, drink water, stretch, go to a social event, organize web sites, lift weights, walk, cook, make gratitude list, etc. It got me going and helped me to figure out how to do many things a day for small periods so I don’t get overwhelmed and I get so much more done now because of it.

DBT Diary Card is also a great app for retraining yourself. I can’t say for sure how well it works for people who haven’t been exposed to DBT as a form of therapy, but for someone like me, who had DBT as the main therapy used in the public mental health system because it was designed by a woman with mental illness, and it works, especially on people with PTSD, addictions, and OCD. Technically it is designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think that is misdiagnosed when at least 50% of the time, it’s not a personality disorder but learned behavior from trauma. I don’t believe DBT really helps people with BPD. I mean, I don’t know, I’m not an expert but from what I’ve seen, I believe it helps those with C-PTSD who’ve been misdiagnosed with BPD, but are capable of unlearning their learned toxic behaviors. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and it combines meditation and mindfullness with coping skills and assertiveness and all kinds of useful stuff that I credit as being the #1 thing that helped me figure out how to get my life together… not just the app, but the group therapy that came before the app. After leaving a few years of DBT groups, I got an iPhone because that was the only phone with an available DBT app which was a one time $5 payment. I still use it on occasion and have it customized to work on all my issues, only some of which are built into it. I track my feelings, thoughts, actions, and coping skills to get a better understanding of how I am affected by things and what needs working on. It’s great.

InsightTimer is another that has helped with my mental health. When I was having a lot of rage a couple years ago, using this app for guided meditations helped me calm down immediately. I only had to do it once before I was feeling better, and it also actually helped me stop grinding my teeth. I wish I’d used it a bit earlier, but it’s a free app with guided meditations as well as calming music and stuff to help you sleep.

Speaking of sleep, it’s getting late, so I’m gonna make this into a 2 part piece.

I did wanna share some music though, and I guess I should mention that I love YouTube for music. Sure, I collect vinyl and I also have AmazonMusic Unlimited, but Youtube is free and has so much cool shit. If I wanna send someone a playlist or a song to listen to, I almost always do it through Youtube if it’s available, which almost everything is.

Here’s a song that came on that had me all excited tonight. I’ve always loved this Moby album, Play.

and here’s a fun one too. RIP PM Dawn

another awesome one…

and one more for the win. gotta love this 90’s shit…

My day started off with an afternoon appointment with my mental health worker. I did dishes while she kept me company and she helped me take some trash out. I was grateful for her help although I was a bit moody. Sometimes she just really pisses me off and triggers me and it’s not really her fault. I wake up only 20 minutes before she gets here and so I’m still moody and she has a tendency to talk a lot, saying what feels like a bunch of bullshit to fill the time sometimes and not giving me the feedback or help that I’m looking for. It’s just a human trait. No one is perfect. She does so many things to help and she’s nice and respectful, just over-worked, but I feel it. It’s not just her though. I feel every single one of my mental health worker’s stress, and I can’t hold it against them, but I gotta try to forgive myself for being such a grump around her all the time because I’m human too.

After she left I used a discount I got in an email to get chicken parm from Luccia’s. You won’t find too many better chicken parms than theirs. They are a true Italian food place. There is one in Winchester and one in the North End. As a person who knows food, it gets whatever marking my highest recommendation would be, for sure. They even brought me two free pizzelles because it’s Valentine’s Day. They were delicious too. My Nana and Papa made pizzelles all the time when I was growing up. They’re flat Italian snowflake cookies.

I talked to both of my boyfriends today, but we did not exchange gifts or cards. I did splurge and buy myself something under ten dollars because I can’t afford any more than that right now. Funko Pop just released all 3 members of Run DMC and since I could only get one, I had to go with Jam Master Jay for a long list of reasons. It’s supposed to come tomorrow, my little Valentine to myself.

I spent most of the night drawing. I didn’t write any query letters. I practiced the Gorillaz song a couple times because the Open Mic is this Friday. I put out the idea of doing another Open Mic Party. For whatever reason, Facebook seems to know exactly which posts I most want to be seen, and they take it out of the algorithm to fuck with me. Okay, maybe I’m being crazy about them fucking with me, although not necessarily… but a few people replied and wanna come, and I know I can probably get at least 30 people again.

But on to the aht. Yes, aht. I’m from Boston, kid.

This first one I did last night, and I made it my web site logo, or at least I attempted to. It hasn’t updated fully yet, but this is it…

And here are a few of the new children’s book pages…

I was proud of myself for coming up with this image. The writing on this page says something about Meg (the main character with pig-tails) doing some things that were wrong before they grew up. I really had to consider how to approach the art on that. I didn’t wanna draw Meg dressed stereo-typically “bad” because what people wear has no indication of whether they are good or bad and or wrong or right, and I didn’t wanna do anything that suggested it did. I also didn’t wanna show Meg doing anything too bad, like violent, or drugs, or anything that could be a bad influence. I figured showing Meg throwing a paper airplane and being in detention was good because a paper airplane is harmless and them being in detention shows there are consequences (even if I did kinda make detention look fun.)

Nothing too mind blowing about the thoughts behind this drawing. Pretty straightforward, but I love drawing people with guitars and instruments.

This page says something like “my life feels like a game of Ping Pong” and is referring to being bipolar and non-binary.

This page was a big deal and I put a lot of thought into how to draw this…. although i actually may add one more detail, but maybe not. Either way, the most difficult decision was how to dress Meg on this page. Were they going to cut their hair short, and what were they going to wear to be the best version of THEM? I went with this and made a few decisions about some of the upcoming pages too.

I will leave you with some modern psychedelic rock. Here is a song by Mothership.

and a Tiny Desk Concert by King Krule

And that’s all, folks.

I was excited to get my 8×10 frames for the photos I’m putting in an upcoming art show. This is only half the photos, but I have to wait until next month to buy the rest of the frames and photos because I’m out of money. I’m really excited about how they’re looking though.

My T-shirts and other merch is on sale for 15% off right now if you wanna check out some cool stuff…

https://wickedcliche.threadless.com/

I’ve done a couple new pages for my children’s book…

I cooked this casserole…

Honestly, it looked better than it tasted. I wasn’t crazy about it, but it made me decide to ask my mom about one of my old favorite recipes of hers I haven’t had in a million years and I’m psyched to make it this weekend.

I listened to this record again last night. It’s Boston rappers Mr. Lif and Akrobatik. Read the reviews on the cover if you can, and check out their Tiny Desk Concert.

Watch the video if you get a chance. They put on a great show and are far more “relatable” than Eminem.

I’ve been busy since I got home from visiting my parents. I had to get groceries, take out the trash, and carry some heavy stuff upstairs after twisting my ankle and knee on the ice so my body isn’t happy. I still have a number of chores left that I need to do, but I’ve been focusing more on creative work and getting it out there. I queried more agents after getting a couple rejections which were pretty nice overall. One of them said my book sounds interesting but it isn’t the type of book they are looking for, and that’s basically what they all said….it’s not the type of book that fits with their list or they aren’t taking new clients. I gotta try to have faith that someone is going to represent me this time. I know the writing is a lot better and it’s a great story that could be important at a time like this. It’s also less controversial than The Godchild. I hope I can get a bite on it.

While I wait to hear about my novel, I’ve been working on a children’s book and I just finished drawing page 8. It is a mom giving the main character child Meg medicine.

I got five 9×12 frames in the mail and framed these pictures for an upcoming art show I’m doing of art from the psych ward and photos from around the time of my psychosis breakdowns in 2008 and 2010, which my trilogy “The Godchild” is about. I plan to read a chapter from my book about the first time I swam to the island in Spy Pond, as well as a few poems from that time period and I’m showing about 20 drawings, 20 photos, and 3 or 4 canvas paintings, all on the theme of my psychosis and the spiritual experience I went through. These ones I just framed show the island and my soul being born again and starting my life over new after breaking.

My parents got me this great steak and cheese macaroni and cheese from a place called Mr. Mac’s in NH. I took it home and put it in the oven for 20 minutes. It was delicious…

That was last night though. Tonight I tried to do something a little healthier and ordered a chicken kabob plate from Pita Cambridge, which has earned my vote for best kabobs in the area, and I have tried a lot.

I did a recording of me performing my newest song…

I got some new weed tonight. It’s called Cookie OG and it’s a perfect strain for me. Indica dominant but good for creativity, stress, pain, and mood swings. Just what I need right now as I have been a little moody and my nurse didn’t show up today and I don’t know when they will, so I could be late on my Testosterone and anti-psychotic although I’m usually fine being a few days late on those things. I just texted a note to my mental health worker to let her know just in case. The weed is perfect though. It really helps me a lot.

I’ve been practicing for the next open mic where I’m performing “Clint Eastwood” by The Gorillaz. If you don’t know it by name, you may still recognize it. I wanted to do something by a black artist for Black History Month. The majority of the hip hop I listen to, and hell, all music for that matter, is by or at least influenced by black artists. Unfortunately, most of my favorite hip hop by black artists have lyrics I wouldn’t feel quite right about rapping for one reason or another, but the lyrics to “Clint Eastwood” are not only appropriate, but it’s a kick ass song where the rap style and unique flow by rapper Del The Funky Homosapian make the song. It was incredibly difficult at first, but I am beginning to master it and should have it ready for the Jam’n Java Zoom Open Mic on the 19th, and will share a copy of it in here as well, but for now, you can see/hear the original…

Del the Funky Homosapien was also in the group Deltron 3030. This is a kick ass song and album…

He was also in Hieroglyphics and you can hear them here…

Del is highly influential and awesome. Enjoy.

First of all, my sister is happy with the art I made for my niece. She told me she wanted mushroom art, so I did this…

I knew it was gonna be popular, so I made it into a bunch of products from t-shirts, masks, pillows, bath mats, prints, cards, skateboards, magnets, shower curtains, towels, stickers, mugs, phone cases, etc.

Starting at some point today, February 8th until maybe the 12th, everything is on sale for 15% off for Valentines day.

https://wickedcliche.threadless.com/

That’s the link to the store. There are dozens of other designs if you don’t like mushrooms.

I had the Jam’n Java Open Mic Friday night and did pretty good with my version of “Loser” and I am thinking of trying to do “Clint Eastwood” by The Gorillaz next, but it’s tricky.

After the Open Mic, I went to find these in the mail.

The CD is Ravipops by C-Rayz Walz… more on that later, and the record is the soundtrack to “The Harder They Come” which is a Jamaican movie from the 70’s about a weed dealing reggae singer, and it is one of my all time favorite movies, and part of what makes the movie so great it the soundtrack, much of which is by Jimmy Cliff, the reggae singer in the movie. Here are a couple songs from the soundtrack. This is the kind of music and film that can change you. I know it was a big influence on me.

I hate football, so I don’t really care that much about the Superbowl, but I used to watch it with my family growing up, including one year when I was in college, taking what was my favorite college class ever, Pop Culture and Society with Peyton Paxton. He was my professor who dug my ideas and could tell that I really got what he was teaching, in a bigger way than the average student. He was talking about how we are brainwashed by society, but he never quite put it like that. The class was about what was popular and why it was popular, and what intention did the capitalistic society have when they chose these things to be the things we all collectively see, hear, eat, buy, root for, etc. It was a great class, but one of our assignments was to watch and do a paper on the Superbowl and its role in society and pop culture and stuff. I’m pretty sure the Patriots may have even been in it that year which made it a little more fun for me because I’m from Boston, and my Grampy was over that night who is no longer with us, and he was betting on the game with my dad. I also watched the year of Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” when I was married to my ex. We watched at her parents’ house and they were all in the kitchen during that exciting moment, which I personally enjoyed and was mad Justin Timberlake didn’t have to take any of the blame. I watched the year Prince did the halftime too… at least I know I watched the halftime that year anyway. I feel like I may have been alone at home, not watching the game, and then put it on when people online said Prince was starting. At any rate, that Prince halftime show was the best one I ever saw, easily, hands down, but I enjoyed The Weeknd’s performance last night. I’ve liked him for awhile now though and most of the songs he did were from his first album which I have and love. I though it was great, the way he sounded and the total package performance… but to backtrack…

I was supposed to go to my parents’ house last weekend but the weather was shitty and I wasn’t feeling great, so I made it a goal to try to visit them for the Superbowl weekend, and if that didn’t work, we were gonna do next weekend, but I planned to drive up Saturday and home on Monday and it was gonna snow Sunday, but my car would be in the garage, so I decided to go for it while I had the chance, because I haven’t seen them since Christmas, I needed to get out, and there’s no guarantee it won’t be bad weather this coming weekend. I had to stop and get gas on the way and I was a little unsure that I was gonna make it as I started driving because the sun was blinding, but it got shady and I made it up, listening to a CD I just bought called Ravipops by C-Rayz Walz. It was on El-P’s old record label and there is a song with MF DOOM on it, who just died, but C-Rayz is actually one of my favorite underground rappers, and I love the album Ravipops. I was trying to find a vinyl copy with no luck and noticed it wasn’t even easy to find a CD, so when I found one on his site and it said the money went to his bail, I had to buy it, and I enjoyed the hell out of it on my way up north and I even got a signed flyer with it that said Jymi- You are the light. C-Rayz. Of course, it also said 2020 and it’s 2021, so it wasn’t a personal message and he was probably not the one to write my name, but it IS a real signature, and still cool.

When I got up to my parents’ my dad took a look at my computer that he wanted me to bring because it had recently died and he fixed it and that was part of the reason for my recent blog move and why I’m starting over on this page with no followers and I don’t even know how to get any because I sign on here through another site… it’s no really like a regular WordPress account, or at least I haven’t figured that part out yet.

After my dad looked at my computer and we hung out talking, dinner was ready. We had a meat pie with mashed potatoes and a salad. It was all delicious and then we watched Ma Rainy’s Black Bottom on Netflix. It was my second time watching and I liked it even more than the first time… a powerful film.

I hung out all night by myself after they went to bed and I took a selfie to mark that I went out because this was the first time I’ve left home since Christmas.

It snowed Sunday and we ate Italian takeout. I had chicken, broccoli and ziti and a Caprese salad. After we ate, I did art while the Superbowl was on.

Those 2 drawings are new and for sale, and this last one is another page for my children’s book.

That’s all for now. I’m hungry and gonna eat something. Peace!

I’ve been busy lately with all kinds of things… my own projects as well as a lot more people have been approaching me lately, whether it’s with ideas, art, or music they want me to look at or they are asking for help with life problems or whatever. I’ve given back when I’m able, but I’m also keeping good boundaries and only get involved when I feel up for it.

My sister sent me a message today telling me that my 15 year old niece is suddenly obsessed with mushrooms and wants mushroom art for her wall and she asked me if I would do some for her. I said I would and I am glad to try, plus if I make a copy of it, I can use the design for shirts which will probably interest a lot of people, most likely for the same reason my niece is interested. I wanted to say to my sister, “You do realize what a sudden interest in mushrooms is about, at fifteen years old, right? Especially since she is the one who also recently got into vinyl. I thought I might name the drawing I do “I Know Why You Like Mushroom Art” and write that on the back, but I don’t wanna make her paranoid. First of all, she has a good head on her shoulders, and doesn’t appear to be fucking up her life in major ways like I was at 15 when I was also obsessed with shrooms, but I actually never even did them as a teenager, even with my obsession, so she may just like the idea of it, and if she does try them, they aren’t addictive or particularly dangerous, although I don’t do them or any Psychedelics other than weed. I’ve already seen and understand the kind of things people take shrooms for. My brain lives there all the time, so I try not to add to it, but I’m gonna draw her some shrooms, cuz I am that uncle who can do that.

My boyfriend’s cousin texted me the other day saying she’s reading my first book and that it’s well written, fascinating, and that I am brave. She also said she told her 7 year old son that she was talking to a famous person.

It’s been an interesting week. I’ve made a few new friends too. Technically, I have gained like 350 friends in the last few months on Facebook, doubling my amount of friends, which is now around 700. Some of them have added me and I have added some of them. They are friend suggestions and are mostly either trans men or artists/musicians. Sometimes I get requests that seem to be fake people and I try to make sure everyone I’m adding is real, and if I request them, it’s after looking at their profile and public page to see if they sound like people i wanna know, and that I’m not just using them. So far, I have met all kinds of new people who are opening my eyes to all kinds of new stuff and ideas, especially since many of the trans men are in their twenties, and I am 42 and most of my friends for years have been around my age or older, so I see a lot of new things with these new people including a lot of face tattoos, excessive piercings (no judgement, I have a nose ring and earrings and had my eyebrow and tongue in my 20’s, I’m just saying, almost all these kids have tons of piercings), there are more of them openly battling addiction and mental illness, and there are a lot more poly people and openly kinky people and their pop culture references generally go over my head, as mine probably do theirs, but it’s been cool to meet these new people and a few of them right away feel like soulmate types, as I have soulmates around the world.

I’ve been working on my children’s book, framing art for my upcoming art show, watching His Dark Materials, and listening to records. Here is some photo evidence…

I showed some of my illustrations in a Facebook group for Children’s Writers and Illustrators and said I was an intersex transman with bipolar and PTSD and that I’m writing a children’s book that lightly touches on the subjects of gender identity and mental illness in childhood. I asked for advice and what people thought of the illustrations. Most people who responded loved the illustrations except one person said they could be brighter, but honestly, a lot of the art in there made me wanna gag. I’m not entirely anti-digital art. I do some digital art I’m proud of, but when everything is digital and cutesy looking, it’s a real eye sore. Children are not getting the same kind of spirit in their cartoons and books anymore. One of my favorite books growing up was “The Paper Crane” by Molly Bang who illustrated with cut outs, kind of like early South Park, but with much more artistic skill. I like my illustrations as they are, but I did ask. The other feedback I got actually triggered me and had me upset all day because of the tone and wording, whether she meant it to be rude or not, she responded with “Please get it vetted by a mental health professional.” It felt like she was saying “Please see a mental health professional because this is inappropriate and crazy, and you shouldn’t be trusted to write kids books.” Then, several people liked her comment, and neither her or them liked my pictures or gave a compliment, not that they have, to, but I felt ganged up on and triggered by it even though it’s legit advice and I have actually shown it to 2 mental health professionals already, asking for advice and they think it’s great. My friends have all given positive feedback too, so if that woman and the people who liked my post were hating, fuck em, it doesn’t really matter. I’m actually really proud of how it’s come out so far.

Another thing I’ve been doing is framing art for my upcoming show of art and photography I did in the hospital and during my psychosis.

Here are some of my 8.5 x 11 frames. these are on computer paper done with broken hospital art supplies…

And these 2 were done on bigger and better paper in the hospital in 2006.

I’ve been listening to some new albums.

Double K of The People Under the Stairs died the other day and I had their record on my wishlist and was able to grab it before they sold out and prices were hiked like what happened with MF DOOM. This OST is an amazing album from start to finish.

Here’s a couple to try by them…

What a sad loss. They were perfection.

I got a friend request from this dude Kevin who made a song with Skyzoo. He sent me the song and it’s pretty dope…

And then I got these 2 albums today. The Rebelution one was supposed to be Royce Da 5’9 and I thought I’d try it anyway. I’m not especially impressed. It’s okay, but kind of weak reggae. The other album I ordered on purpose even though I hadn’t heard it yet. It’s by Jean Grae and she is one of the best rappers out there.

Here is a good one off this banger of an album…

I’m not gonna share any Rebelution. they were mids.

That’s all for now. I have the Jam’n Java Open Mic tonight at 7 and I’ll be performing Loser by Beck, my first time doing a cover.