It’s been a rough few days. I’ve been waking up in a rage caused by my cat’s constant crying and this fucking opera singer next door who sings scales of “la la la la la la la la la” over and over for hours at top volume just as I’m waking up each day. None of it is good for my PTSD. Even people without PTSD would been driven up a wall, but loud repetitive noise makes me insane…
On top of the rage, I was sent to tears twice yesterday because of a fucking Facebook glitch, I thought my best friend died and then I sobbed again with relief when she texted me that she was okay.
Life has been a challenge in other ways too. My aunt’s boyfriend’s son died of a heroin overdose the other day, half my family has had Covid, I’m sick with a bad cough right now, I was completely out of money until today and what I got today wasn’t much, but I bought a few things I needed for my upcoming art show. I don’t know if that’s even gonna be worth the effort and money I’m putting into it. Being in May and June, we still won’t be able to have large gatherings. People will probably have to go see it on their own time. Hopefully they will.
Today I got what was maybe the worst rejection letter I’ve received so far, because many of them are encouraging, saying my book sounds interesting and is well written, but just isn’t what they’re specifically looking for. The one I got today said “the writing just wasn’t where I needed it to be.” I felt shot down. I mean, I know I have a limited vocabulary and am not always eloquent, but I’m a decent writer. I don’t have the $10,000 it costs to get a fucking editor or even a proof reader. I’m a disabled, mentally ill, trans man who went into the psych ward after high school rather than graduating college, and then I was in and out of detoxes, or hanging out with gangsters and I missed out on a lot of stuff going on in the intellectual world, but I have an amazing story to tell, and the writing isn’t bad at all. I looked to see what I’d sent the agent, and realized that she was the one who said she can tell in three pages if she wants a book, and that if the writing isn’t pristine and she isn’t instantly wowed, she won’t be interested, so I knew she probably wasn’t the one, even though some of what she said she was looking for was relevant. I thought she was worth a try, but I feel like some people just get a tiny taste of me and they be hatin’. I realize that’s not proper English, but you know the phrase…Anyway, I don’t understand why she had to say that the writing wasn’t up to her standards. Nobody needs to hear that from someone who only read three very personal pages of their life. It made me feel shitty, but I mentioned it to a couple people who read The Godchild and they said that what’s great about my books is that they’re written in my true voice, which makes the raw honesty of the story stand out far more than fancy language. I’m just bummed though because in the last couple days I found two non-binary agents looking for something exactly like my book, but I already queried agents at both of their agencies, so I can’t query them. I’m so mad at myself for not doing enough research to find them first, but there’s no way I could have known they’d even exist until I found them. Hopefully if their co-workers aren’t interested, they’ll pass it over to their non-binary partners to take a look at. It’s just so hard to get started from the bottom, no matter how hard I work. People say I achieved a lot just by writing and publishing my books, but they’re meant to be read, ideally. I feel like I’d be lucky to get 2/5 of the readers I got for my first book if I release another one without a publisher, and that’s just not okay with me. I’m gonna keep trying.
I haven’t spent much time illustrating the children’s book this week, but I did one page I was proud of…
I framed a few more photos for the art show and ordered some more frames today
Also framed these 9×12 pictures
The Timothy Leary was a collab with someone I used to know who is living off the grid. They did the stencil and I added the colors.
For music, I’ve been working on this…
And that is all for now.
