Presenting : two videos of me reading from my upcoming book. It’s an autobiography about my life as an intersex person with Bipolar Disorder and Complex PTSD. The majority of the book takes place before my transition. I am now living as a non-binary trans man. These two chapters take place in the 90’s when I was in high school. I will be showing the second of these two videos directly on Facebook and Instagram Monday night, to get ready for my upcoming book release, which will be somewhere in the next 3-25 days.
I was gonna add photos to the book, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to, so instead, I’ll put a couple of the photos here, showing what I looked like at the time these chapters were written.
This first chapter I’m sharing is from the end of 1993, when I was fifteen years old and was first put in the psych ward after years of being badly bullied, abused, and giving up on life. I had already made my first suicide attempt a couple years earlier and was still suicidal while also trying to get sober from my early addictions, so my church told my parents to put me in a notorious psych hospital I call “Claymore,” and I dropped out of public school and went in-patient. That is what the first chapter here is about. I made it psychedelic looking to go with the theme, and I decided not to put this one up on FB and Instagram since it is incredibly triggering. Just be warned there is talk of all kinds of triggering shit in this chapter. It’s about an adolescent psych ward, and it’s real.
This is a photo of me at the age I was in the psych ward. Technically, this photo was taken a few months after I got out, but it’s still pretty close to that time.
If you choose to watch both videos, this is the one that comes first. They are around 23 minutes each.
This second chapter, which will be up on Facebook and Instagram, was about a year and a half later, when I was attended my alternative high school. I try to use them as an example of a better functioning, although still flawed system than the main public system.
It’s called Rumors because it starts off with me talking about some of the rumors I heard about myself and why I left public school. I also talk a lot in this chapter about the things I loved at alternative school, including being part of the Boston Pride celebrations as a newly queer person, and finding the LGBTQ world that was still so taboo in the mid 90’s.
The picture was probably a few months before this chapter took place, but still that same time period. I was 16. That photo is from my 16th birthday party.
My book will be out soon. Thanks for your interest. I hope you enjoyed the videos!
Well, I heard back from the publishing company who wanted to read my book, and they said that 1. they can’t publish it as quickly as I hoped, so it wouldn’t work anyway…2. that in the future I probably shouldn’t try to rush a publisher (oops… but, of course I was only trying to be fair and tell them I was already planning to self publish and had already sent out press kits announcing it, so if I didn’t hear from them by the 20th, I would need to begin uploading to Amazon. I sent the query to them 5 months ago….but I get it, and knew it was a risk to attempt it) and 3. right now publishing companies almost exclusively only accept memoirs from subject matter experts, celebrities, and popular social media influencers. They did not end up even reading it, so no feedback on the actual book, but I’m proud of myself for getting the callback response from them. It is a sign that I am a good enough writer, with an interesting sounding book to get the attention of a publisher. Most never get this far, so I will take the achievement and move forward with the regularly scheduled programming…
I’m really not too upset that I’m gonna be self publishing again. A lot of people say it’s actually the best option for mildly successful authors who write the kind of books that speak to a certain type of people more than mainstream society. It’s not like a blockbuster film or summer reading…That kind of stuff does well with a publisher but indy type authors can get totally taken advantage of by publishing companies sometimes, and while I know the place I heard from was a legit small company, I don’t have a clue what going with them would look like, or if it would even be something I could make work. I already know how to self publish even though I’m planning to use my own ISBN’s this time and have to figure all that out, but I’m in control and I mostly know what I’m doing and what to expect, so it’s a lot less anxiety right now to just self publish anyway, and I can release when I said and not be like Kanye.
I’ve been doing a lot of editing, and tonight I made a video of myself reading a chapter from my book, about my first time in the psych ward, and I will post that in a couple days. One day at a time, one thing at a time, I am getting there.
Here’s a picture I took of my street art. It’s hot as fuck out there.
I have a lot to be grateful for, despite the last few days which have been kind of awful. I won’t get into it all right now but my anxiety and stress are through the roof and the shit that’s been happening is not fair to me and it’s my life story and I’m tired of it. It’s a constant fight that gets me seemingly nowhere. BUT this entry is going to concentrate on some of what I’m grateful for, because although I said I’d throw these last couple days away, there was actually some good too.
June is Pride month and I found a few of these old photos from Boston Pride in the 90’s. Fun times with old friends, most of whom are still in my life.
I got this mask in the mail the other day. I bought a set of 2 Bob Dylan masks for my dad for Father’s Day, but I know he wouldn’t wear this one. I dunno if he’ll even wear the one I’m giving him, but I kept this one and took a selfie in the heat…
I made some new stickers for my press kits and sold 2 packs of 6.
And I got my pack of 250 stickers of my logo in the mail and they came out better than expected…
I texted about 50 people for addresses to send press kits to and got to talk to all kinds of people I hadn’t really talked to much, some of whom are interested in the book, so that is good news!
I started editing “I Write the System” by reading it aloud because that’s something highly recommended to people who edit their own books, and it’s been great, because for one thing, I can tell how it’s far better writing than The Godchild and everything flows naturally and sounds great, but there were a few very minor things that I definitely wouldn’t have even noticed were wrong if I hadn’t read it aloud, so I think it’s gonna be worth doing. I’ve also been trying to figure out what chapters I might be able to read from it if I were gonna do a book reading, and I found a couple so far that I think might work. It’s been good to get that done.
This gift to myself also came yesterday, which cheered me up. I can’t afford to buy myself much other than a couple little things under ten bucks, but I put most of my money towards stuff I hope will turn into money coming back to me at some point, like the stickers, envelopes, printer ink, and stamps for my press kit and I’m thinking of buying my own ISBN numbers for my future books rather than using the free one on Amazon that keeps you limited to them for life. Unfortunately it’s $200 for one ISBN or $300 for ten, so it makes sense to go for ten since I already have plans for three book releases in the next year and I especially don’t wanna get stuck with Amazon for the children’s book because I heard the quality of their children’s picture books aren’t great….but, I can’t afford $300 for anything right now so I’m hoping to ask for the money as an early birthday present. But yeah, this Funko Pop of Hitchcock was too cool. I still wanna direct a film some day and he was one of my earliest influences.
What else? It’s hot as fuck, for one thing. I need a vacation from the stress.
BUT I’m grateful to be alive. I got my medicine and took a cold bath with my pride soap, I have the AC in the bedroom, music playing, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, friends, family, etc. Speaking of family, my sister helped me learn how to do something new with my web site. I’m using it on this page. I’ve been reading from an incredibly helpful list I got on LinkedIn about how to make a web site that actually gets seen. Obviously that’s the goal of making a site, but of course it isn’t easy… at all, but I’ve already learned a few things and redid the front page if you wanna check it out here.
That’s all folks.
Here’s a random song I’m in love with for the road…
It is FUCKING FREEZING! Can’t believe this was me just a couple days ago in 90 degree weather…
Today I am in layered shirts and sweat-pant shorts and I took like 12 hot baths cuz I am so damn cold and my body aches!
I saw my parents early in my day, got my printer working with my dad’s help, but need new ink, filled out 20 pages of paperwork to prove I’m still disabled, got Panera for dinner, and started working on re-writing the first 1/3 of “The Godchild”. Everyone who read past the first 1/3 agreed that most of the book was exciting, easy to read, and hard to put down, but a lot of people put it down a lot or completely before they got that far and that needs fixing. It’s not just other’s opinions either. While it is not entirely boring, it goes on a little too long with no direction. I am going to fix it up and make it better and am hoping for a re-release next Easter if I can get it done in time. Obviously I have a lot of other projects right now, the other of which I got to being that I got some professional stickers designed and ordered. I’m really praying they come out good because stickers are expensive but what would normally cost $500 on the majority of the sticker sites I found, I was able to find a deal for $70 on because I’d be buying them in bulk. It was a lot to spend, but I probably spent that much or more on the random fun sticker packs I bought last year alone. Last year I put 5 or 6 fun random stickers, one original sticker, one of my old business cards, and 2 or 3 prints, plus 8 pages of writing in each press release for The Godchild which meant it took 2 stamps per person and I think the prints were a couple bucks each. I will NOT be spending that much this time. I got 250 new business cards with my new web site made for $20 and 250 professional logo stickers for $70, I have to buy new ink for the printer, and then I gotta buy a couple books of stamps since I have several already, and that’ll be that. I’m pretty sure I have plenty of blank stickers so that I won’t have to buy more of those, but I’m gonna give everyone one professional logo sticker, one original one of a kind hand drawn sticker, a new business card, and 1 page about the new book. It will get the job done for far less but I really loved sending out all those stickers and prints to friends last year. Maybe it helped make up for the fact that I haven’t sent holiday cards out since I was like 21.
Here’s a couple random pictures from my bed as I go to bed in the early morning…That Bob Dylan poster is an OG copy from the 70’s and the Prince is an OG 80’s poster.
I guess it’s time I head to bed myself…
Here is a video… it’s not a song, but a Jim Henson video from his early collection pre-Sesame Street and Muppets I think, that helped me understand music better…
I’ve been busy with a number of things this week. I had the art show Saturday, an appointment with Nikki Sunday, I think I cooked and cleaned Monday, the nurse came Tuesday and I had a friend stop by that night, I had a call with Nikki Wednesday, and yesterday I had a zoom with the nutritionist. Tomorrow I have Jen coming by for what I think is my last appointment with her, and then I was supposed to go up to see my parents this weekend, but it looks like that’s not gonna happen due to the weather, but they might be coming to see me, and then I’ll see Nikki again Sunday, yadda yadda. Time just keeps flying by. I made these stickers a couple nights ago and offered 6 for $10 and a new friend ordered a pack. I made a few more that I didn’t take pictures of and am sending them out later today.
Today is my boyfriend’s birthday, and we talked more of our plans when he comes to visit in July. I’m looking forward to that. I had fun with my friend the other night too. He is an artist I know who I relate to a lot and had a great time hanging out with him. There is also someone in my neighborhood I’ve been meaning to see again too. There are a number of new people in my life I’d like to maybe see now that we can hang out with people but I also don’t wanna do it so early on with the restrictions.
He brought these cool beers and we just hung out talking, which I need. It helped lift my mood a lot to have the social time with him and the event Saturday.
I’ve been busy with all sorts of projects, including the fact that despite the fact that I keep saying I finished my new cover, I keep changing things.
That’s a photo of it on my computer screen. It won’t be blurry like that, and I have to center it better and possibly change the font, but I think that’s what it’s more or less gonna look like.
I finished my 8th edit of that same book and it’s shaping out nicely. I’m getting ready to start writing a one page description of the book to send out as a press release with stickers and business cards. They won’t be as big of packets as I did for The Godchild… no 8 pages of reviews and quotes, probably no prints, and then I’ll do one original sticker and I’ll possibly buy cool random fun stickers in bulk, or if I can get professional stickers of my logo made in bulk for fairly cheap, I may do that instead.
I’ve realized I probably won’t get around to my next book for a couple years. I wanna redo and re-release the first Godchild book first, and I’ve actually been going through that and taking notes on what to keep, what to purge, and what important things I need to keep in the story from the stuff I purge. I plan to completely redo the beginning. There’s so much unnecessary shit and so much important shit I somehow managed to leave out completely, so I’ll give the first 1/3 of the book a complete makeover.
Here’s me and Moo. Aren’t we cute?
Don’t mind my ADD. I’m listening to jazz right now but I did a couple new hip hop videos for tiktok. The link is through Instagram though since that’s where I have more followers. I’m trying to get ready for the upcoming open mic.
My last post was about haters on the internet and whether it even makes sense to ask strangers their opinions on art or writing. It was stemmed from some hate I got about my book cover the other day. A bunch of people said they wouldn’t even pick up my book because the cover was “too busy”, “unprofessional”, and one person said they wouldn’t know what the book is about by looking at it (as if any book cover can really do that)… but it was eating at me because so many people emphasize that the cover is the first thing people see. If I get a professional publisher, I may not even be able to use it, but it’s looking more and more like self publishing is the most likely thing to happen, and I can live with that, but I don’t wanna scare people away with an unprofessional cover, yet I also felt my cover was nearly perfect for my book… maybe not perfect graphic design, but it felt right to me. It was what I envisioned… So… with the help of the basic Paint program, I added a few lines here and there and I think it’s better. Here is what I plan to go with…
Here is what it looked like before.
So, I just made a few adjustments, but I think it’s better.
I’m heading to bed because I already took my night meds, so I can’t do a full post about my show at The Armory yesterday, but I will when I wake up.
Here’s my new business cards though….
And here’s a song I wanted to share that I fell in love with…
I’ve been getting a lot of shade from strangers on the internet as I put myself out there more, and especially when my stuff gets seen by many, which was the case with a comment I got today on my Tik Tok video. It got 18 likes and a number of compliments, which isn’t a ton, but often times I only get a few likes and views. This time tons of people saw it and I got some compliments, but I also got unsolicited advice from a stranger with 4 followers and no videos of their own. He said “You need to throw in better punch lines and think of better rhymes. The words shouldn’t all end in ‘ad'”
At first the negativity hit me hard and I felt like shit, but then realized I was being gas-lit and told the opposite of the truth by someone who was trying to invalidate my work. I’ve been editing my autobiography and there’s something in there about how when I was growing up, kids and teachers used to tell me I was stupid, ugly, fat, boring, and other stuff like that when the opposite was true. I am fat now, but for the first ten years that I was called fat, I was actually quite skinny. I was also very attractive, fairly smart, and extremely unique, even if I didn’t know how yet, but I believed I was fat, ugly, stupid, and boring because those comments were felt much stronger than any compliments I may have received. This dude on Tik Tok saying “all your words shouldn’t end in -ad” took something kind of unique I do on purpose and spun it like it sucked because he had no understanding of it. Yes, I often throw a bunch of similar sounding rhymes into a verse, but unlike the typical lyrics where each line ends in a rhyme, I throw them in throughout the line for a different kind of effect. It was also only a 1 minute clip of a three minute song, so it may seem excessive in that one part, but there were plenty of other rhymes that didn’t end in -ad.
“I gave all that I had/ and was made to feel bad/ for trying a fad/ and not being rad/ and of course there’s my dad/ but I’m not gonna get into that./ Some stuff’s not even in the past.”
That was the one line with all the words ending in -ad. It goes on from there…
“I’m trying to find my independence/I wear an anchor as a pendent/ I’m sending letters to the president/ It’s evident/ that America is doomed/ We can all sit in one room/ but with whom can you bloom?”
So yeah, this dude with 4 followers and no videos whose advice I did not ask, whether it was meant to be constructive or not, was BS by someone who’s likely just jealous.
Keep in mind, when I say someone is jealous of me, I don’t mean because I’m such a handsome, rich, successful, talented artist. I’m not sure I am any of those things… definitely not rich, and success is a matter of how you view it. In many ways I am successful, but the average person isn’t gonna see me that way. My art may be great, I can’t say for sure, but there are lots of people who still think Picasso and Basquiat’s art is trash, and they’re obviously big influences of mine. Hell, there are people who don’t like DaVinci, even with all his skill, I mean, I’m not even such a huge fan, although I do appreciate him, but The Mona Lisa is a bit underwhelming, in my opinion. Still, who the fuck am I to say it isn’t good? (and that’s not even what I’m saying, but many of these haters are.) And I may be okay looking, but I’m not exactly a hottie or whatever. Anyway, my point is that they may not be jealous of my art or my looks or talent, or any of that, but what they are jealous of is my bravery to put my own art out into the world… hell, the bravery to do art at all in the first place. To be able to say “I’m an artist. This is what I created”, and then not only that, but my art clearly exposes my heart and soul in a vulnerably honest way which one can’t help but feel. On top of that, I often say political things that piss off half the population. To bravely put out my opinions and my creations and bare my soul the way I do, I make it easy for haters to shit on me, and it’s hard, but I am brave. A few friends have reminded me of that lately, that bravery isn’t about not having fear or not being hurt by the comments meant to invalidate us, it’s about continuing to speak up and continuing to share our art, continuing to live each day the best we can when the world is trying its hardest to break us. I am one of the bravest people on the planet by that definition. You aren’t being brave if there’s nothing to be afraid of, which brings me to another story…
After talking about not letting the haters get me down, and not listening to advice by strangers who may know nothing about what they’re giving feedback on, and in fact, usually don’t, I saw a discussion in a writer’s group about Beta Readers, which are people who read your book for free or a small fee, and give you honest feedback. Many swear by them, but others say it’s a waste of money and time. I said I’ve thought about doing it, but usually people find these Beta Readers in writing groups and they’re complete strangers. What if my reader is prejudice to my topic? What if they don’t know anything about the topic? What if they don’t read that genre or they’re lacking empathy for people with mental illness or addictions? Why would I solicit the advice of one or two total strangers and take their word on my work when it could be great and just not meant for them? I got a reply right away from what appeared to be a straight, white, Boomer, cis man saying “You worry too much.” I ended up deleting my comment, and his in the process, which I now feel was weak of me, but I didn’t wanna get ganged up on with other replies. I reminded myself the same thing as before; that I’m being gas-lit by people trying to invalidate me. What the fuck does an older straight, cis, white man have to worry about when giving their book to someone to read? Unless he went through a horrible sexual trauma, survived a suicide attempt, spent years in the psych ward, is talking about true crimes or war crimes, or has problems with his dick, there is almost no topic a straight, cis, white man can really be considered brave for writing about. There may be a few other topics, I’m sure, and I’m not saying they can’t be brave for other reasons, but to “bravely” write about a topic, I think there are limits for straight, cis, white men. Most of what they write will be read by people who’ve grown up in a society where the straight, cis, white male perspective is the norm and not to be questioned the way people would question me for what I dared to share in my books. Being told I worry too much is invalidating of the many reasons I have to worry and he more than likely does not. For me to hand my life story to a complete stranger on the internet in 2021, and say “be totally honest and tell me everything you think needs work” would be setting myself up for possible disaster, inviting the wrong kind of person to unleash their hate on me after learning everything about me.
I was just trying to offer a perspective as to why I agreed with many who said it was a waste of time and money. I mean, unless I got someone who I know is not transphobic, is politically left, doesn’t hate people based on past mistakes, etc. My book isn’t for everyone, and I don’t even want the opinions of the average reader. It is hard for me to take criticism of any sort though, and sometimes it pisses me off at first and then pushes me to come back harder. That’s the only way to properly use criticism, but I find that if it comes from a stranger whose opinion was not asked for, and it invalidates what I already created in any way, I’m not gonna listen, regardless. I know I have more to learn, but it doesn’t mean that what I created so far is wrong or bad just because some random dude doesn’t like it.
Speaking of all this, part of me was glad to hear the woman next door singing today. She didn’t sing yesterday and I was worried I made her feel like she couldn’t sing, ever, but she sang today for a shorter time and with her windows closed. I could still hear, but she only did it for a few minutes. I would be okay with this. I’m not someone who has no empathy. I’m a musician myself and sometimes it can be a little loud. I’ve also completely blasted my music late at night and had the cops called on me many years ago, but I’m mindful now of the volume and when I practice, it’s just for about 15 minutes a day every few days…. of course I know I need more practice than that, but 1. I have a million other projects, and 2. I sacrifice it sometimes for the sake of my neighbors, and this woman has spent the last 3 years, including the entire pandemic, making high pitched opera sounds that are like nails on a chalkboard for five hours a day sometimes, every fucking day while standing on her porch with windows open, just a few feet from all our windows on this side of the building. It’s been terrible and needed to be stopped at almost any cost, but I was a little relieved to hear her sing again, as well as the fact that she was more mindful about it this time…but I was glad I didn’t break her spirit completely. She is brave and continuing on.
Here is a picture of a graffiti sticker I bravely stuck over some racist graffiti I found last month. I was happily surprised to find it still there…
I’ve had a busy day today. I woke up at my parents’ house, showered, packed, ate a bagel, and drove an hour drive home. The drive wasn’t bad at all. Now that I take an exit to avoid part of the highway that I don’t like, and I know the exit numbers have changed, at 3PM on a Spring day there’s no traffic or blinding sun, and there was no rain like I’d anticipated. It was just a beautiful Spring drive.
When I got home, I comforted my cat right away. She’s an anxious cat who needs to constantly be comforted and she has a hard time when I leave her but I was only away from her for one full day. Still, she’s howling like crazy in the other room as I write, but I’ve given her some food and attention… maybe not enough…
I got some popcorn teriyaki chicken for dinner, talked to my mental health worker and my boyfriend, and I re-did the cover for my upcoming memoir while waiting for my weed. I’d made one yesterday, but I felt like I could do better. I definitely think I improved it a little bit, even though it’s the same basic idea.
I liked this idea of a claw machine representing a very flawed and rigged system, pulling my androgynous baby picture out of a pile of photos of me from various stages of my life. They are the same photos I used in the one I made yesterday, but I added the 8th grade, big hair photo, since 8th grade is an important part of the book and it’s probably the furthest from my true self that I ever was. I also changed some of the details of the person I drew, who is supposed to represent a young soldier.
As soon as I finished, my medicine came…
This is one of my favorite strains. LA Confidential. It’s recommended by Snoop. You can read about it here…
I took out the trash and took a couple photos of the clouds…
I’ve been listening to music, took a bath with my new soap, smoked a little bit of my new weed, and I sent out a few more queries. I got another encouraging rejection today, and this one included a link to a web site kind of like the other two I’ve been looking for people through, but this one has a bunch more people I haven’t tried yet, so I researched four of them who were looking for memoirs and sent them each what they wanted, which were all different. It was hard work as usual, but maybe it’ll pay off. I feel like maybe I’m giving up too early. Now that I’m editing again and fixing a lot and am halfway through, I feel like it’s worth trying some new people. If I was close with a few like they’ve said, maybe this extra edit will be enough. I thought I was out of people, and I haven’t heard back from them all yet, but I don’t know what to expect. I only know what happened last time. This book is stronger in most ways. I do believe in it. Even if I self publish, I think this one might get read more and a little more buzz. I can only hope it reaches the people I’m meant to help with it.
I listened to Big L in my car on the way home. He was a brilliant artist. Some of his lyrics are potentially offensive if they didn’t make for such beautiful poetry.
