This time last week, I was settling in with my boyfriend on our first night together in two years when he came to visit for 5 days. It was a great opportunity for me to take a break from the stress, socialize, get out, do some fun stuff, listen to some of my favorite albums, watch my favorite movies, and eat my favorite foods…and share them with him, of course. We had a blast. At first my transition back into the daily grind was off to a difficult start and I had a meltdown three days in a row, but the Universe sent me a little sign at the very least, if not some great news, that one of the publishers I sent a query to wants to take a look at my full book. I don’t know if I’ll go with them or not, if they even choose to go with me, but if they do, it will depend on a number of things. I wrote down all my questions tonight, just in case, but I don’t know what to expect. I’m just grateful I got a letter back that wasn’t a rejection. That’s a good sign I’m doing something right.
The rest of this post will be the manipulated photos from my staycation… I took and altered all of the photos, except for the ones of me in the water, which were taken by Koda but altered by me…
Someone in a writing group asked a question to the group, “Do you think you are a good writer?”. I thought I’d blog my answer.
Growing up, writing was the only thing I did that people took positive notice of. I was always in the mid-level classes and was failing most of them due to the trauma I was going through, which had my attention spent on other things. I had a reputation as a “bad kid”, yet was also considered one of the best writers in my town, which wasn’t really a small town and there were several famous people from there, including a famous author who once taught English at the public high school… (not to me, but my mom had her).
I had a difficult life though, and after a few years of community college, I had to drop out of school. I spent much of the next couple decades in and out of psych hospitals and hanging out with street gangsters while on high doses of court ordered anti-psychotic injections and going through ongoing abuse that I only just partially escaped a few years ago. All the stress and trauma and chemicals have done so much damage to me, and I’d becoming lazy with texting and social media being the majority of the writing I did. When I wrote my first book in 2013 out of a desperate need to tell my story, the writing was awful and I’m kind of embarrassed by it now, especially since I only just released it a year ago.
However, I spent the last few years as an artist in an art gallery showing my art, performing my music, and talking about intellectual things that got my brain working better. I started reading more and meditating and writing and memorizing songs, I had to learn to self-publish and make web sites and press kits and send query letters and so on. It’s been a hell of a year in growth. I like to think my writing is getting back to the point where I can confidently say it’s not bad. My new book is a huge improvement from the stuff I released last year and I’m feeling grateful to have some of my magic back, but I think the biggest thing that makes my writing decent isn’t so much the writing quality, but the way I simply and honestly explain things in ways in which people can learn from. I present new information in a manor of speaking which helps people to understand perspectives they never considered before. I may not be the best writer to ever live, but I’m decent. It’s something I was born with, and I’m improving day by day as I write so regularly now.
There are still days I think my writing is shit, but I belong to a writing group on Facebook, as I mentioned, and it appears from the questions and feedback I see in there, that 99% of the people in there have no writing skills whatsoever, although some of them are not writing in their first language, but the majority of people in the group are Americans, and they make up about 95% of the authors of millions of self published books on the internet that I compete with to be seen in a sea of available books out there. Anyway, no disrespect to them. If you love to write, then write! It’s okay if it’s not good. It might get better, it might not, but writing is good for the soul no matter the quality. If I have to compete with a sea of terrible books, I know mine will stand out at least a little, and they’re getting better… but like I said, no matter your skill level, I think people should always write or sing or do art or whatever you love, as long as you aren’t driving your neighbors crazy with five hours of vocal exercises every day!!! Live your life your way and try to be proud of everything you create because it wasn’t here until you made it.
I recently got these funko pops of Alfred Hitchcock and Spike Lee, two of my favorite filmmakers. Some day I wanna write and direct a movie.
Anyway. That is that. Here’s a few songs about books that I love… (songs I love, about books, I should say)
There’s been some stress the last few days, but I’m trying not to let it get to me and I’m being as assertive as possible to get my needs met. There’s a skill in DBT to help with communication and getting your needs met and stuff. There are two sides with similar charts; “asking” for something, and “saying no” to something. On both sides, you evaluate what’s most important, getting your needs met, keeping the relationship good, or feeling a sense of self respect. Depending on what your biggest objective is, this can can change how you ask or say no. Like, if you need a favor from someone and you mention it and they sound unsure… if your objective with that person is to keep the relationship good, and you can find someone else to help you, then you decrease the intensity of asking, but if they are the only person who can help and it’s something you really need, then you increase the intensity of asking. There’s a lot more to it. It involves charts and acronyms and all sorts of stuff, and it takes a lot of practice, but learning to use it effectively can really improve your interpersonal relationships. I found myself using it a lot today, and am grateful for it because I’ve had some challenging moments with people and handled most of it a lot better than most people would have in my position. I was proud of myself, but at the same time, I feel a little guilty about “increasing the intensity of asking”; especially with my mental health worker. She’s the best though and I’m grateful. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by all I do in the world for almost nothing in return.
This is a painting I sold at an art show 3 years ago. Here’s a few other photos from that day…
Tom Tipton: Founder of Out Of the Blue art Gallery
I’ve been doing these shows with the gallery for a few years now. This was when it was located in a house in Medford. Now they’re at the Armory in Somerville, but they need help. You can read about that here…
I got some bad news today that I kind of saw coming, even though it might not be as bad as I thought, it might be. My favorite mental health worker is leaving her position and moving to a different position on the same team. It may end up being that nothing much changes between us, but it might mean that we won’t be working together anymore. I’ve sort of been waiting on this news and somewhat prepared to hate her for hurting me if she went about it the way others have, after we’ve become so close. I went through several workers in a few short years, and one worker who left around this time five years ago who absolutely broke my heart because she promised to keep in touch, but didn’t. It was a messy thing though, I won’t lie. It was partly her fault for all the boundaries she was breaking at a time when I was extremely lonely and broken, and I thought she cared about me and maybe even liked me in a romantic way. Obviously that was where things were partly mine to blame, although I never did anything inappropriate, but I think she knew how I felt and I honestly thought she felt the same, because of how close she got to me… but that was 5 years ago, and I went through several workers since her and tried so hard not to allow myself to fall for one ever again. And I’m not in love with my worker who’s leaving now. I don’t feel romantic feelings towards her and I know she doesn’t for me, but I still kind of love her as a person in a way that one would grow to love anyone who helped them so much in 3 years time, nevermind a person like her, who I clicked with immediately in our first phone call. I knew after our first 15 minute conversation that this day was going to come and it was gonna feel like hell, and I’ve been sobbing all day. I don’t know what’ll come of it though and I know the last thing she wants to do is hurt me or even leave me. She is fighting to keep me, so I appreciate that and don’t hate her, but I’m feeling a lot of sadness. When we first met, I was stepping out into the world for the first time as an adult, just about to turn forty years old after a life of being broken, and I was doing great, but within just a couple months of us meeting, I fell into a deep psychosis that lasted months. I was on bed-rest, completely miserable, and we texted every day and she came to see me every week. She was the first, and still the only one of my workers to read my first book in its entirety, and she was the one to encourage me to publish it, which was something I severely feared for far too long. She helped me through 7 months of feeling so fucking terrible that I was almost ready to give up, but she encouraged me every day and she loved my art and my songs and let me practice in front of her. I could tell that she was honestly impressed by me and that I made her job more enjoyable and worth doing, to see me recover and publish my books and perform and show my art. It made me feel good to have someone in the system that actually believed in me and who saw the artist I was and thought the world would wanna know me too. She helped me believe in myself and helped me survive one of the most difficult times of my life. I’d just achieved so much of what I always wanted after a life of being broken, and doing so broke me again, and it looked like I might lose it all, but I came back even harder and I have her to thank, but I don’t know if I’m losing her and I don’t know how to feel about it, except sad that this is how it always seems to be. I still think about Stacey and Elisa, Celie, Miss K, Robin, Michelle, Joanne, Leah, Caitlin, Leslie, Ana, Pat, etc. There are so many people who once saved me and meant the world to me as teachers and therapists that I’ve lost and my heartbreak is real. I miss them terribly. I hate that I’m forced to let go of so many great people. I felt like when she left, I was gonna tell her to fuck off, and that I’d hate her and even possibly quit therapy, because I can’t keep taking this kind of loss… but maybe she’ll be one of the ones to stick by me, as I do also have a list of people who once meant the world to me and are still in my life in a different way. They still mean a lot to me, but since they’re no longer employed to work for me, I have good boundaries and they’ve become like other friends in my life who I just talk to once in awhile. It still means a lot that they’re out there and part of my world. I hope she’ll remain in my world because she’s an awesome person who I’ll always have love for. It’s hard to think about getting to know someone else, and I’m sad and hurt but I’ll be okay.
I decided that for a little food therapy, I’d try the macaroni and cheese pizza from Za. There are two pizza places in my town that put pasta on pizza, and I thought it sounded like too much carbs and not particularly appealing, but some people love it and the one at Za has caramelized onions, which I also like, so I thought I’d try it. I mean, I do like macaroni and cheese and pizza.
It was good, but I probably won’t get it again. They have a great chicken and veggie pizza I like there too. Just as good, and probably a lot healthier, but this was fun to try.
As for the good news, my mom got her blood-work back today and she’s still cancer-free for 5 years now! That is definitely happy news! And while it’s not looking great for my memoir being published, I haven’t heard from everyone yet, and even if I self publish again, it has a chance to succeed if the right people read it. I know the writing is better than The Godchild books and it’s getting even better as I do more edits. The big craft fair at my mental health center will be a perfect place to sell the book along with some stickers and prints and stuff. Life is okay. I’m grateful for getting through it.
