Last time I wrote, I was having a difficult weekend. I’ve been dealing with severe PTSD triggers and a lot of anger, stress, and extreme anxiety. I was beginning to take control by making gratitude lists every day, and I continue to do so. It definitely helps.
Unfortunately, about an hour after I posted my last blog, I learned that my good friend took his life in February. We didn’t have many friends in common and nothing was ever announced through his page, but when I went to his page, wondering why I hadn’t seen anything from him in a while, I saw that he’d died of suicide, and even more than that, he was driven to it by someone who was trying to get him to kill himself because of information he had that they didn’t want coming out… and there’s more to it than that. The back story is in my trilogy. I can’t help but feel I’m in danger as well, and this week has been rough. The truth is, I never feel truly safe. I’ve never known what it feels like to feel safe… and that in itself explains a lot about me, but more so about my complex situation, and my friend who just killed himself was going through something quite similar. We were both caught in the middle of a political war with corrupt government, church, hospitals, and so on. He was a survivor like me, but he was targeted so badly that he ended up taking his life, and I feel sick about it.
I decided that I was better off just keepin’ on keepin’ on than to overthink it. I cooked myself a whole chicken on Easter, with garlic, butter, white wine, lemon juice, parsley, salt and pepper, and oregano, along with a zucchini casserole with tomatoes, green chilies, and cheddar cheese, plus mashed potatoes and gravy. It was a nice treat. I’d gone to my parents’ the weekend before and we had an early Easter just the 3 of us, but I was alone on actual Easter Day, except for a visit from my mental health worker who helped me with dishes and bringing a big box out to the trash. I was grateful for the help and for the delicious food… I was also grateful to myself for taking the effort to celebrate Easter, even by myself.
I struggled through the week with severe anger and other PTSD issues and decided further action was needed beyond the gratitude lists, which WERE helping, but I knew that Thursday was gonna be a major challenge. I had to wake up at noon when I usually don’t wake up until 3 to 6 PM and then drive myself in my tired state to the mental health center a half hour away (and I have severe driving anxiety), then I had to put on a mask, which I struggle with due to hospital staff trying to kill/suffocate me with towels over my face when they beat me senseless years ago. I had to wear the mask into a crowded building full of mental patients with boundary issues all over the place (which is also extremely stressful), and then get this injection that I don’t know if I fully trust, and wait around at the center with the other mental patients for 15 minutes until I got the okay to drive home. I knew this would be a challenge for me the way I was feeling. I was feeling like any little thing might set me off, and that I’d lose control and the cops would be called and I’d be killed, or at the very least, locked up for a long, long time until I broke completely. I’m always in fear of that possibility, especially when I have to leave the house when I’m not feeling up to it. It was the date of my second vaccine though. I had to go even though I was scared of losing control.
I decided to try a guided meditation from the Insight Timer app. I found one that was 23 minutes long and it says if I do it every day for 56 days straight, it will re-wire my brain, so that it’s healthy and restored in all kinds of ways. I decided I’m gonna attempt the challenge. I’d only done it once on Thursday morning before going to bed the morning before my afternoon vaccine appointment. When I got there, I was in a room with three people ahead of me, all getting their vaccines, and the nurse asked each of them nicely “Do you need a verification card?” and they all said yes because they weren’t given out the first time. When it was my turn I said “I need a verification card too” and she immediately snapped at me saying “I already gave you a card!” to which I snapped back “No you didn’t!” and she was moody, but she gave me my injection and card, yet I have no idea what her issue was. I can’t help but be paranoid that she was working for people who want to break ME the way they broke my friend who just killed himself…like they knew from my blog or some other way that I was struggling, and that they thought a nurse yelling at me with a lie would be enough to push me overboard because it IS a huge trigger for me to be told a lie like that, and if I reacted in a crazy, out of control way because of that, they’d just lie and say “I’m sorry, I thought I already gave him one” or something and I’d be in handcuffs being beaten by the police by then. I know it seems far fetched, but people DO work in the system for that very reason. Did you see The Departed? People like Matt Damon’s character exist in every position inside the system, working for gangs and corrupt politicians and I’ve been locked up and tortured just for talking about it, but I’ll never stop until it’s truly exposed.
It’s definitely been rough, but I’ve been cleaning, I took a few walks and saw some bunnies, I’ve cooked and submitted a few more queries of my memoir, played the keyboard, talked to friends, taken baths, done art, listened to records, and done whatever I can to get through. I’ve done three days of 23 minute meditations, and I’m grateful for every little thing.
I did that new cray pas drawing on Easter in memory of my friend.
My long haired cat rolling around in crumbs under the table. Sigh….
I’m doing my best, as as my Tupac shirt says “Only God Can Judge Me”
Here is some music…
