It’s been a few days since I last wrote. I’ve been doing more cleaning and keeping busy with all sorts of shit. I think I slept late Thursday and really took advantage of the fact that I was done with everything I needed to do before my party. I may have queried 3 agents that day, and I practiced my songs for the party and got outside to take out the trash, but it was all fairly stress free. The ten days of mediation so far seem to be helping as well.
I got a text from my newly ex-boyfriend telling me that he’s doing a lot of work on himself and that he’s vegan again. His food issues, along with him constantly telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat, plus making other kinds of comments implying that he thought I was too fat, was the main part of what led me to end things between us, so I didn’t really give a shit to hear that he’s vegan again. What I was unable to face, but was in the back of my mind all through our relationship was that he had a lot of issues he was keeping from me and when they would inevitably come up in some form, like when he was drinking and didn’t realize he was oversharing, they were things that scared me off a LOT, but I try not to judge people. We all have our issues and things we do that aren’t so great, but the fact that I let so much scary shit slide out of wanting to be respectful to him, but he still had the balls to tell me he thought I was too fat and that he didn’t like most of my art or music, I should have left a long time ago. I guess it wasn’t as big of a priority since we only saw eachother about once a month before Covid, and not once since, so it wasn’t like it was eating me up all the time, but more often than not, when we were together or had a conversation, it went poorly in some way, and I probably should have seen it, but being poly-amorous now, at least I still had someone else the whole time who was treating me the way I deserved to be treated, and I hope I am giving as much back. I think I am, and I knew I really wasn’t giving much of myself with the recent ex, but he’d earned my lack of enthusiasm… like, he let me down so many times, I wasn’t gonna keep giving so much of myself for someone who had proven their inability to even keep our important plans.
On a similar note, I’m an understanding person, and I have to cancel plans all the time, so I’m never mad at anyone if they have to cancel on me now and then, so I wasn’t mad at anyone who cancelled on me for my Open Mic/Art Show/Spring Zoom Party, but that is one of the hardest things about throwing an event, is having all sorts of people tell you they’ll be there and then at the last minute, eight of the performers cancel ten minutes before the party starts, leaving three performers and maybe an artist or two. I was really struggling as it was. I was afraid I was gonna go on a crazy rant about my friend who was just driven to suicide by the Catholic Church/Mafia/local corrupt politicians because of information he has…and while it may be true, it would only make everyone super uncomfortable and/or paranoid/triggered to hear about it, so I didn’t wanna go there (and thankfully, I didn’t), but I almost burst into tears five minutes before I started the Zoom and had to hold it all together. I ended up having a drink to calm down, which helped, but I was a little hyped up because of it and I got the show started as fast as I could. My two first performers weren’t there, so I had to ask for a volunteer. My friend in Australia went first and did an Australian Country song. I went after him and did an original rap, then a cover of Clint Eastwood by the Gorrillaz, then one of my local friends shared photography, another local friend shared art, my friend in NY did an Amy Winehouse cover and a Patti Smith cover, then a local poet read a poem, and I did one more original rap song. It was only about an hour and a half long, but that’s all I was up for. It was still cool though. There were friends from about 7 different states, plus Australia and lots of awesome people I love, so it was fun.
That was my photo from tonight. I also too a couple pictures of the cat, of course, my best buddy…
With 4/20 coming up, I have plans to eat a brownie, smoke some good strains, and listen to weed related records.
This is what I just got tonight. It’s called Grape Soda
It’s definitely a dark purple bud. I really like it. It has a good taste and smoke, it’s cool looking, and soft, has a calming effect, and not too strong of a medicated feeling.
This is the other one I have… it’s called Alien Bubba. It’s great, but very strong.
That’s about it. I have my mental health worker coming in the afternoon and she’s gonna help me bring my photos out to the car to bring to the gallery on Monday. I’m hoping someone can help me bring them into the gallery from my car because it’s a bit too much for me to do on my own. I don’t wanna ask for too much, but seeing as I have such severe pain issues. I’ve been getting a lot stronger too though. Part of me is always in soldier mode, and especially right now, after my friend’s death, I can’t help but wanna make sure I’m able to defend myself… no with guns, because I hope to never resort to those, but I wanna be able to fight back if someone is trying to hurt me. I’ve been doing my hand weights again and I’m doing great with my diet as well. I’ve lost a lot of weight this year, like 50 pounds out of the 60 it took 2 years to gain, and it’s only been the last 6 months or so that I’ve been dieting, so my goal is to end up even thinner than my lowest weight a couple years ago, which was he lowest in over a decade. I am only about 8-10 pounds above it now, so it’s a reasonable goal.
I will leave you with a song… RIP Black Rob. He died today and I love this song. I know it from the Slam Soundtrack, which saved my life
and here is an old video by Jim Henson that helped me understand music…
